worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

Because @Hogtini we're not all marrying controlling abusers.

You need to put your foot down.
List specifically all his behaviours and reactions you don't like and how they're affecting you.

He won't care.

End it sooner rather than later. Don’t waste any more time on this man, and certainly don’t worry about others think. Just think how wonderful it will be to run a bath for as long as YOU want, to reply to a WhatsApp message, to buy the things you need. It’s hardly unreasonable as an adult to want to not be controlled and feel u set constant disapproving scrutiny. Look at your finances, certainly don’t tell him what you’re doing until you’ve worked out your options.

Hi op

Unfortunately lovely you repeated a pattern and married your Dad, it's really common for abused kids to do this

Fortunately for you , you have the benefit of seeing how this is going to play out in years to come
And it doesn't look good. Trust your gut and get out, you get one shout at life don't let him control
It for you. Abusers get worse once kids are involved, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

💐

Gosh you really need to be more assertive. If you have a joint account then you do not need to ask for money. When he turned the taps off on the bath why did you not just turn them back on. When he turns the heating off, why don't you say that you are still cold and want it kept on a bit longer. You are enabling his behaviour to a degree by allowing him to do these things unchallenged. You are his equal and you should not let him think otherwise. Similarly, go see your friends and if he makes noises or statements of dissatisfaction then remind yourself the issue is his not yours. Remind him if necessary that he doesn't control you and that it is perfectly normal to have friends as well as a husband. His behaviour is like that of a small child. If you pander to it, it will continue and get worse, however, you have the power to nip it in the bud based on how you deal with it. You need to be strong!

I just feel like such a fool. Growing up I watched the way my dad treated my mum and me and knew exactly what he was like. I have since been able to remove myself from him as far as possible although we still have contact. I just feel like such an idiot that I could have married someone similar... but then I look at my dh and think he's nowhere near as bad as my dad and I can't imagine him doing some of the things my dad has...

If i did break up with him, I'm not sure what would happen...I own the house we live in so would I make him leave? Then i'm not sure what he would do... i know if we broke up, he'd probably get really depressed because he has that tendency

Life is too short to walk on eggshells in your own home. It will only get worse, especially if you have children in the future.

Was wondering if i showed dh this thread if it would make a difference

Yes. It would make him angry with you - how dare you tell lies about him on the internet, why are you listening to a bunch of strangers, you've made him out to be a monster, etc.

Then he would have something else he'd want to monitor about you - every time you were online he would say "Having fun slagging me off, are you?" and every time you were upset with him about something it would be "Why don't you just run away and tell a bunch of bitter old women about it online?" You would apologise, try to convince him it wasn't like that, apologise again, grovel, admit you were in the wrong, - anything to make him drop it.

He wouldn't. Why would he stop a behaviour which is having the desired effect, ie: terrorising you and making you compliant and uncertain of yourself?

And he would have very effectively cut off yet another avenue of support and outside perspective.

Kazplus 2, when he has turned heating off and I've seen him do it, I've told him I'm still cold and then he says he'll put it back on in a bit etc. but most of the time he turns it off when i'm not there so i don't realise its not on until i start getting cold. You're right about the bath, I should have turned them back on rather than catching cold in a half filled tub but at the time I just didn't want to start an argument. I have asserted myself many times and told him flat out i don't like what he's doing etc but very time I do, he negates my feelings and doesn't listen :(

It's easy to say that people in these abusive relationships need to stand up to the bully, but I really don't think it changes them and can sometimes prove quite dangerous.

Leave this awful man!

Take a trawl through some posts on here and see how a loving, equal relationship should be.

You’ll never have that if you stay with this man. Even being alone forever would be preferable! Not that you will be, but I know that you’re scared of it

I really can’t believe the shit some people put up with and think it’s not too bad! Not a criticism, OP. Just sad for you. You are worth, and deserve, so much more.

It's really not your problem what he'd do. He's a grown man.

See a solicitor ASAP and then as soon as you have legal advice, tell him to go.

Before you get him to leave, you might want to tell someone else...even have them on hand incase he turns nasty.

Congratulations OP, you've married your father.

This isn't going to get better. There are no magic words that will all make it fall into place for him.

There is a long, long list of red flags here. Even the good things you say are just more evidence that he's controlling and abusive. Shall I lay it out?

-financially controlling
-restricts your access to money

• discourages your career aspirations so you can't make it on your own and won't become financially independent
• isolates you from people who love you and care about your wellbeing
• lovebombed you (moving very fast with big declarations and gestures of love in an unreasonably short timeframe - to try and lock you down fast)
• selected a partner who was vulnerable and familiar with abusive relationships (people who have grown up in dysfunctional family relationships often don't have the boundaries that healthy people use to protect themselves from predators, because your version of normal is already completely skewed - you can change this but to change it you need to recognise it first)
• isolates you by stopping you from accessing your communications with the outside world (phone)
• sees fit to punish you with silent treatment etc when you step outside the lines and see friends or respond to a text
• is super nice to you when you are sick and wholly dependent on him and too ill to go anywhere or do anything independently of him - in other words, when you are under his total control.

You are not a person. You are a possession. And if you know what's good for you, you'll choose which one you want to be. Because you cannot be your own person in this marriage. It is not allowed. You are his thing to display and your function from now on is to add value to his life - yours is over.

You need to get out, OP. Live independently. You cannot have a functional relationship with this man.

He's nowhere near as bad as my dad

If I handed you a cup of coffee and told you there was only one teaspoon of dogshit in it, would you drink it?

What about if I told you that hey, it could be worse - I could have put five teaspoons in?

Still no?

Your husband doesn't have to be "worse" than you dad for you to end it. The only acceptable amount of abuse is none.

This will get x 1000 worse if you get pregnant. Upscale the contraceptives and exit whilst it is uncomplicated (albeit painful )

Of course your husband has nice qualities- all abusers do.

You would be foolish to turn a blind eye to his behaviour especially given that you grew up with an abusive man.

Your own husband is abusive yet somehow you are clinging onto the positives - this is normal but please don’t be unwise.

His family seem lovely? I bet they do but I bet his father is not as lovely as you think he is. These abusive men put on a great act to others.

Please wise up and do not worry about his family. In fact if you told them you were divorcing because of his emotional and financial abuse I suspect his mother and siblings would be all too familiar with his sort of behaviour.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

He may not be as bad as your dad now.
But this is early days.
And he's living in YOUR house.
Wow.
Take back control now.
Tell him you want a divorce but it will take time (I believe you need to be married for a year before you can file for divorce)
You want him out and he has 2 weeks to find somewhere else.
Diddums if he's get depressed.
Unless you are a mental health professional, you cannot help him with this.
It's something he will have to get help with.
The fact it's only been 7 months is very good as it's your house.
Longer than a year and he'll be entitled to some of it so end it now and get him gone!

He sounds absolutely vile. It doesn't matter that he's nice some of the time - I imagine mass murderers can be quite nice when they are getting their way.

He doesn't even give a shit about your basic human comforts, never mind your actual feelings. What an utter twat he is. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

Classic case of controlling behaviour. Do not say with this man and do not have children with him. Lots of abusers can be utterly charming. Its how the victims remain - by thinking back on the good times

So sorry OP. It's sounds horrible. Please get a divorce. You know it won't end well.

Unfortunately, as your parents had such a bad relationship growing up you probably let a lot of bad behaviour from DH go as he is not as bad as your dad.

Someone with parents who have a healthy relationship would probably have seen red flags that you haven't. He know this. His controlling will only get worse. If he knows he'll get away with certain things he will ramp it up.

Please don't give him any more fuel. Don't lie to him and don't show him this thread. Make sure you log out also in case he's monitoring things.

If he uses his phone again while driving tell him you will not live with someone who cares so little about your safety.

Run for the hills, it will only get worse.
Do not waste another minute with this man, please leave him today

You did marry the wrong man, you're right. What are you going to do about it?

He is rude to your friemds because he is trying to isolate you from their support.

He is reducing your money for the same reason
And that is also why he doesn’t like you to communicate with people

This man is unpleasant. He's controlling you and he's selfish. He also sounds unhinged to be honest. Get out of that marriage...fast.