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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m in a bind, can’t believe this is happening.

226 replies

LadyCafe · 02/01/2018 13:37

I hope I won’t receive harsh judgment. I’ve been married for 10 years and we have children. I’m pretty happy in our marriage and love my husband. Yes, some of the passion and excitement is gone. Believe or not, I’m the one who intitiates sex and willing to try new things. DH has also been moody this past year. He doesn’t seem to listen when I talk and isn’t present. The kids always take a tole on the marriage as well.

I met a guy. A very good looking guy and he’s interested in me. It’s so tempting to take things further and I’m having a really really hard time saying no. He texts me, but not daily, which makes things confusing. I don’t know what he really wants. I mean, he wants sex but I don’t know if he wants a long term affair or not. Do affair partners contact one often?

Has this happened to anyone before? I honestly wasn’t looking to have an affair. I feel like it came out of thin air.

I can’t believe I’m talking like this and seriously considering it. I go back and forth, ie this is just for me to what on earth am I doing?!?

ConfusedBlushShock

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 13:42

If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, leave him.

Don't have an affair.

this is just for me

It's not just you, is it? You have a husband and children.

Sorry, but you sound a bit silly.

thethoughtfox · 02/01/2018 13:44

Dear , OP you are likely to get flamed here. Do the decent thing and work on your marriage or end your marriage. This person is a red herring. You sound like you are asking for advice on having an affair which doesn't reflect well on you.

Cricrichan · 02/01/2018 13:46

You're flattered, of course you are. But think of the massive consequences of this. You're happily married with kids. Don't jeapordise this for some unknown.

chatty1234 · 02/01/2018 13:48

Either spend your time reigniting with your husband or leave. Do not have an affair it ruins lives.

Bluebell878275 · 02/01/2018 13:49

What a dilemma Hmm

How about talking/ending things with your husband (remember, the man you made vows with) before being so selfish.

Grow up.

suchislife44 · 02/01/2018 13:49

No judgement as I understand how you could be contemplating this and getting a high from feeling desired by this man whilst feeling bored and undesired in your marriage. However, you are married and beyond the fact that having an affair would be morally wrong and demonstrate a huge lack of respect for your husband and children such situations generally end in disaster. I would suggest taking a step back and evaluating the relationship to which you are committed. Do you want to work on your marriage? If so talk with your husband and do so. If not do the right thing and leave him for both your sakes.

BrokenBattleDroid · 02/01/2018 13:57

Being cheated on can have massive lingering effects on romantic relationships for the rest of your life; issues with trust, jealousy, insecurity etc.

Would you wish that on him just because you're not enjoying your relationship right now? I would suggest good quality talking and couples counseling to see if the relationship could be salvaged first, but walking away is preferable to an affair.

Original poster
LadyCafe · 02/01/2018 14:02

I know. I know all this. It’s strange when you’re in it though. I’m assuming no one has been in this postition. It seems like it’s not happening. It’s exciting and fun. I’m curious. And there’s the fear, worry, anxiety. I’m having a hard time walking away.

OP posts:
chatty1234 · 02/01/2018 14:04

It won't be exciting and fun though if you cheated and your husband and kids found out. Is it really worth it

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/01/2018 14:17

I’m assuming no one has been in this postition. Well, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. Do not leave you marriage for this man. If you think your marriage is done, then do the decent thing. Saying your dh seems distant is probably a bit of self justification.(might not be, only you know that) but it is the line that gets trotted out by adulterers to justify the affair. (He/she doesn't understand/love/care about me.)
It is happening, it is real and trust me, if you get into the affair you will come out the bad guy. Firstly, block this man. He has not got your best interests at heart. Then talk to your husband.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 14:17

I’m assuming no one has been in this position

SERIOUSLY? You really think no woman has ever been in this position before? Some choose to fuck the new man and not give a second thought to their husbands or children, some choose to give their head a good shake and work on their marriage, some leave the marriage and then fuck the new man.

Naive in the extreme.

AnnaT45 · 02/01/2018 14:18

You need to remember you have a family, you need to think of how your actions will impact them. One or two fun shags may result in tears of upset.

If you're having problems in your marriage address them, sleeping with someone else isn't the answer. I get you're flattered and fancy the excitement but it's not going to last.

Deep down I expect you know this which is why you've posted here.

StripeyDeckchair · 02/01/2018 14:20

Block his number

Sit your husband down, tell him what has happened and work on your relationship

AnnaT45 · 02/01/2018 14:20

I meant years* of upset, but tears will also occur too!

Original poster
LadyCafe · 02/01/2018 14:22

Is name calling necessary?

I never thought I would be this person. Relatives in both our families had affairs. And I thought, how could they? Now that I’m in it, I get it. A friend told me she’s having an affair and it’s been going on for 2 years. She said it’s amazing. I didn’t tell her about mine. It’s tempting.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyCafe · 02/01/2018 14:23

I can’t tell my husband what’s happened!

OP posts:
AnnaT45 · 02/01/2018 14:26

Your friend said her affair is amazing?! Not that she feels guilty or anything? Where's the end goal with it?

To be honest you sound like you want to do it. Go for it, hope it all works out for you!

BrokenBattleDroid · 02/01/2018 14:26

The difficult bit is the massive gut wrenching gulf between what you want to do and what you should do. What you want has a ridiculous pull I'm sure, otherwise there would be no appeal.

Remember a lot of the appeal is a trick of the mind because you're feeling stagnant. It won't be that great and you'll feel rotten to the core if you go ahead with it. If it gets found out you could end up feeling like you literally ruined your life for nothing. There are NO benefits to an affair in your situation (for anyone), only losses.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 14:26

You've been called a bit silly, selfish and naive.

Hardly name calling is it? Hmm and if it's the most you get called then you're lucky.

I have less sympathy for you the more you post and your use of the Blush emoji is nauseating. I hope this is a wind-up.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 14:27

Not sure where anyone has called you a name. I called you naive. Someone else said you were silly.

Others will probably be along later to be far more unpleasant if you're lucky.

What was the point in your thread?

chatty1234 · 02/01/2018 14:27

You came on here looking for advice but you seem to have made your mind up so go on have the affair and then come back crying when your husband and kids leave you and you'll be alone. They deserve better

SoupDragon · 02/01/2018 14:28

I’m pretty happy in our marriage and love my husband

Clearly you aren’t and you don’t.

BrokenBattleDroid · 02/01/2018 14:28

I would also question why you're friend is raving about how wonderful it is? Trying to convince herself perhaps? I would bet a lot of money that it doesn't make her feel like a very wonderful person.

user1483387154 · 02/01/2018 14:29

If you are not happy with your husband talk to him or leave the relationship.
It is not fair to cheat on him

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/01/2018 14:30

Sweetheart, I'm going to say this gently.

This man has zeroed in on you because he can see you are looking for excitement. But he doesn't want a relationship. He wants sex with someone who won't make any demands on him (because you are married); he will likely also be wanting the same from other women at the same time, because he's a user.

If you're happy to be used, and to have your marriage be blown apart by a guy who will move on to his next conquest when you need him most, then go ahead. Knock yourself out. But take care of your heart.