I’m in a bind, can’t believe this is happening.

[LadyCafe]

I hope I won’t receive harsh judgment. I’ve been married for 10 years and we have children. I’m pretty happy in our marriage and love my husband. Yes, some of the passion and excitement is gone. Believe or not, I’m the one who intitiates sex and willing to try new things. DH has also been moody this past year. He doesn’t seem to listen when I talk and isn’t present. The kids always take a tole on the marriage as well.

I met a guy. A very good looking guy and he’s interested in me. It’s so tempting to take things further and I’m having a really really hard time saying no. He texts me, but not daily, which makes things confusing. I don’t know what he really wants. I mean, he wants sex but I don’t know if he wants a long term affair or not. Do affair partners contact one often?

Has this happened to anyone before? I honestly wasn’t looking to have an affair. I feel like it came out of thin air.

I can’t believe I’m talking like this and seriously considering it. I go back and forth, ie this is just for me to what on earth am I doing?!?

1. That guy is selfish. 2. Do you want to be that selfish? 3. You'll get what you deserve.

It's unlikely to be what you expect. Are you ready to deal with that? Do you think your kids are?

Ok, no judgement here.

Unlike others here yes, I can understand the temptation of having the excitement of an affair, and I understand that while it is something that is fun, exciting and hidden it seems harmless because it’s making you feel great and giving you something to be excited about without any impact on your life. I would consider the following though...

Lots of people have affairs that no one finds out about, BUT there are lots of people who have affairs and do get caught - most I would think, especially if you are in a situation where it’s hard to get out descreatly and live somewhere where you would have to travel along way to be together without people seeing you. It’s also expensive to pay for hotels or places you can be together and that can add up and be hard to hide. Would also be good to think about

Op, I have been in your position, I was in a marriage that was a bit dull, rubbish sex and just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Someone else showed interest in me and then I realised that me and dh were over, mainly because I knew if I had any feelings towards anyone else then I probably didn’t love dh anymore. I ended it with dh but not so I could be with the man who took my fancy, because I knew it was the right thing to do. I was flattered that someone else had shown interest (as dh wasn’t showing any), I did end up sleeping with the other man after splitting with dh but we didn’t have a relationship.

This man is married and this will be his 3rd affair. :/

So his way of dealing with the boring patches of marriage is to look for someone to have a fling with?

You can make your life more interesting in better ways than by having an affair with a guy who's targeting you because you're needy. I can guarantee, if you have an affair and it comes out, you'll be the bad guy and his wife will forgive him. If you have an affair, the most likely outcome is that you'll end up with nobody.

OP oh dear - think your marriage is in more of a mess than you perhaps realise. Please do not have an affair, as nothing good will come of it and if your husband found it, it would hurt beyond belief.
Please talk to your husband but I don't think you should mention possible affair at all but you both really need to sort out what is wrong and see if your marriage is fixable.

You both deserve this - it isn't as if you can't stand him - just have drifted apart and this can happen gradually. It doesn't mean there is no way back.

Please delete this number and block from your phone.
Sort things out with your husband, if your future doesn't lie together then you will know in your heart of hearts that you tried to rescue things.
good luck

Opps sent too soon.....

Think about the guy too, could he get increasing demanding / jealous and tell you partner or other people that know you about the affair after a big row or a situation where you upset him in some way?

I’d also give some thought to what you want long term, is it to break up from your husband - because this won’t fix your marriage it might just be something to occupy you and add some interest In Your life that your marriage is missing. Which sounds good for now but could stop you making the decisions you should be making about your marriage, like separating, relationship counselling or trying to seek opportunities to put some excitement back - a holiday by yourself, joint classes, etc. May be pursue this first in conversation with him and double check there is absolutely zero chance of making your current relationship what you want?

Most of all you really need to think about how you would handle this going wrong, because when it seems so secret and separate from your real life at the moment it feels like the two things will never meet, but else where on MN there are at least two threads about people having affairs who have been unexpected caught out in the last few days over a tiny little message or email here or there which has resulted in shouting, tears, people being forced to move out, admit to family members and their own children how they have cheated and broken up the family home and found themselves living with their parents with very little notice over an affair they never thought would be revealed. There is a real chance of this happening if you choose this route, so think about the practicalities of how this would work in practice - where you would live if you were asked to leave with only a few hours notice to find somewhere else to live etc. How old your kids are and how they would handle a conversation you might have to have with them about this if it was revealed.

Maybe you like the attention and the excitement? Maybe try relationship counseling with your husband before taking things further? Sometimes what we want most (excitement, someone to talk to, a more physical relationship) attract us to people we would not otherwise have considered. Maybe he is the man for you, maybe not. But perhaps you need to explore your deeper feelings and your emotions before doing anything and possibly regretting it.
However, that said, some relationships do not last forever and even if this is not the right man for you, maybe he came into your life when you have been questioning, deep down inside, whether your current relationship is worth it. So perhaps having some counseling, with your husband perhaps, will help iron out whether there are deeper things afoot in your current marriage, whether you or your husband are truly happy (beware.......your husband may come out with saying he is unhappy!) and whether you can start a new chapter with your husband or whether this attraction to another man is a signal of something deeper in your emotions and psyche. Ultimately you can ask the whole world what they would do but this is your life and only you really have the answer and the key to know what you need and be ready to live with the consequences to any decision: be that to stay or to go.

This man has been married for 7 years. He’s been faithful for 4 years. He told me about his past encounters. He’s had 3 affairs in the past 3 years.

I don’t know how his wife doesn’t know? How does one get caught?

He doesn’t call me babe or anything like that. He’s not a creepy flirt which makes this hard. He seems normal. He says he needs his escape and he’s just not good with monogamy. We talk about other things like traveling, music, etc.

And no, the mums I know don’t go out. Men seem to have more fun. Mums are always tired because they’re the ones with the kids all the time. But I need to have fun with friends... this doesn’t make me a 13 year old girl! I think it’s normal to want to have time with friends.

Doubt OP will be back.

Just came in for a bit of flagellation.

He’s not a creepy flirt

He is, he's just grooming you.

“ I can guarantee, if you have an affair and it comes out, you'll be the bad guy and his wife will forgive him. If you have an affair, the most likely outcome is that you'll end up with nobody.”

Exactly. Men rule.

No of course it doesn't make you a 13 year old girl! And mums should always have fun too! Just not at the expense of their family!!
Find a local group online that meet up. Or try to arrange an outing with your mum friends?? Or get a babysitter once a week and join a class or something??
You are making some very pathetic excuses for your behaviour.

I stand corrected. X post.

Why not get a hobby to make new friends?

You said your dh travels a lot though - can you not talk to him about travel? I have a few friends with similar tastes in music - that doesn't mean I feel the need to sleep with them.

You are projecting op, I get that it's hard for you to see it but you are bored. Bored of being at home doing the grunt work I would guess. Change that - he is not the answer

My schedule revolves around him and the kids.

So how about changing that without making it revolve around another man?

I have had some handsome men hit on me over the years and no I haven't been tempted:

two questions you have to ask yourself
are you being used for a bit of fun? Almost certainly you are, as certainly there is no real love or emotion that has been described here

secondly, what do you think this is going to do to your dh, dc and your future? Almost certainly you are about to blow up all three.

Can some handsome stranger really have the power to blow your life up?? Seriously one or two grubby experiences with another man that could ruin your life.

Will never ever be worth it.

Be flattered and put some love and energy into your marriage before it is too late

Lady I have a friend just like tha man you describe, he has been married twice and cheated many times, it doesn’t seem to bother him, he split from his wife last year and she still is oblivious to his affairs, these men don’t change, they see every woman as a challenge, he just wants to get you into bed.

Thanks Snow, April, sugarplum, and wouldeat. Good stuff.

You’re right, Minor. I’m bored and a bit resentful of DH, as well as jealous. I also think these are my last years of being and feeling attractive because I’m getting older.

Do you know what happened at the end of hos other affairs? Did he end them? Did the other women's partners find out? Did they just end them?

Whatever the reason, he obviously has no respect for women.

The OP writes like a man.

I agree with the others, get a hobby (i'm serious, my hobby is my life!) and do the most empowering thing you can do and say "no, im married, i have a family" .

If your relationship is up the shite pipe, go see a counsellor or at least dedicated some time together once a month or so. You owe it to your DC

Gosh I really feel for his poor wife, brutal!!

Have you ever tried addressing the problems in your marriage OP?

Have you ever spoken about how you feel with your DH?

It's not a crime to leave a relationship if you're not happy and you've tried, but can't change what's wrong. I've left a marriage for another man. I can see what you're asking here. You won't get any sympathy from anyone if you're planning to deceive and lie though, because it's just not right.

Emmasmum, his first affair was a weekend away with friends and he met someone. It was a one night stand.
His second affair didn’t work out. He didn’t sleep with her.
His 3rd affair was with another married woman he met on a dating sight. She ended it because she fell in love with another man. She was sleeping around.