Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m in a bind, can’t believe this is happening.

226 replies

LadyCafe · 02/01/2018 13:37

I hope I won’t receive harsh judgment. I’ve been married for 10 years and we have children. I’m pretty happy in our marriage and love my husband. Yes, some of the passion and excitement is gone. Believe or not, I’m the one who intitiates sex and willing to try new things. DH has also been moody this past year. He doesn’t seem to listen when I talk and isn’t present. The kids always take a tole on the marriage as well.

I met a guy. A very good looking guy and he’s interested in me. It’s so tempting to take things further and I’m having a really really hard time saying no. He texts me, but not daily, which makes things confusing. I don’t know what he really wants. I mean, he wants sex but I don’t know if he wants a long term affair or not. Do affair partners contact one often?

Has this happened to anyone before? I honestly wasn’t looking to have an affair. I feel like it came out of thin air.

I can’t believe I’m talking like this and seriously considering it. I go back and forth, ie this is just for me to what on earth am I doing?!?

ConfusedBlushShock

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 02/01/2018 14:30

Ladycafe see your reaction just there when someone suggested telling your DH about your flirtation?
Now imagine telling him that you’ve actually had sex with someone.
It’s a fantasy and that’s fine. But your reaction speaks volumes about what you think deep down.
Don’t take it further with this other man. Try to reconnect with your DH instead.

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2018 14:31

I can’t tell my husband what’s happened!

If it feels so dreadful to imagine having that conversation now, can you imagine how you’ll feel when he finds out you’ve been having an affair?

Speak to your H, if needs be end the marriage. But do not start a realatijshio with this new person. You will fuck up a lot of people!

gamerchick · 02/01/2018 14:31

I can’t tell my husband what’s happen

You can! You haven’t done anything really over the line yet. You can tell him, lay all the cards out and say that your marriage is in trouble and can you both talk about it.

Anything else is lazy and selfish.

Original poster
LadyCafe · 02/01/2018 14:37

Ok. I guess affairs all end terribly. What my friend said was intriguing. I definitely don’t want to end my marriage.
This man is married and this will be his 3rd affair. :/

OP posts:
IAmLucy · 02/01/2018 14:37

You are wrong to assume nobody has been in this position. I would bet a huge number of women are in this position right now as we speak. It's what you do with it that matters.

I'm not saying all people who have affairs are horrible people. I'm sure it's far more complicated than that. But it's no good looking for support or trying to make selfish excuses for yourself because when the shit hits the fan (which it will) nobody will give a shiny shite about your excuses least of all your husband and children.

If it's a road you are willing to go down then that's on you. At least be prepared to accept the consequences. No good looking on here for validation because I doubt you will get it

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 02/01/2018 14:39

Zaphod makes the point I was trying to type.

You stand to hurt the people who mean the most to you, all for some excitement.

If you don't want to be with your husband then leave him: then get into the world of dating with other people who want to date and have fun. This man is not looking for that, he's zoned in on someone who is married which is where the excitement is for him. He won't be the one who ends up hurt.

Do the right thing. Marriage breakdown is hard enough without adding an affair into the mix.

user1500124076 · 02/01/2018 14:40

My husband had a brief affair. It was a mostly drunken, stupid thing that I do believe meant nothing, and three years later we've worked hard on rebuilding our relationship. But there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about it, about what he did with her, how he betrayed me so easily, and how I now struggle to trust him in any situation. It plagues me. We love each other and he's mortified and riddled with guilt, and I'm committed to making it work. But there's no denying it didn't destroy something very precious inside me that I'm not sure can ever be fixed. Do not do that to your husband just for a bit or fun and "excitement". You are not the centre of the universe.

Angelf1sh · 02/01/2018 14:40

You sound immensely selfish and I don’t really understand why you’ve posted this. Are you looking for people to tell you to crack on and enjoy an affair? Ffs.

user1500124076 · 02/01/2018 14:42

*bit of fun

And by stupid drunken thing, I mean they had sex whenever there were staff drinks going on (they were colleagues) -- not that it was a one-off.

DotCottonDotCom · 02/01/2018 14:47

You know when people say affairs ruin lives?

They really, really fucking do. Forever.

Be a role model for your children. Get a grip.

You say you wouldn’t want to end your marriage.

Would you mind if he does the same to you then? Imagine finding out you’ve been with a man (your husband) who’s been sleeping with someone else. You feel disgusting, violated, you didn’t consent to this. Your marriage would feel like a lie.

gingerclementine · 02/01/2018 14:48

LadyCafe the most useful comments you've made on what's happening are:
It's exciting and fun. I'm curious.
No one can blame you for wanting to have these feelings in yoru life. But get them from something other than an affair. Affairs ruin lives - most notably, children's lives. You do not really love your own sex drive more than you love your children, do you? So don't put it first.
Think of some other aspects of life that are really incredibly exciting and fun that you're curious about and get stuck into them. No lives ruined. All the excitement for you. None of the guilt. And if you can rope your DH in on an adventure it may rekindle your passion for each other too.

Fairenuff · 02/01/2018 14:50

I’m assuming no one has been in this position.

Why?

I have most definitely had propositions and made the choice not to act on it. Yes, it's flattering but would be a horrible thing to do to your family.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 14:50

This man is married and this will be his 3rd affair

That tells you all you need to know. How can you remotely be attracted to someone knowing that's how they behave and treat people.

Still want to know what the point of posting was.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/01/2018 14:52

Look at your children and picture yourself telling them that you're having an affair with a married man and their dad wants to divorce you. Think what their expressions are like as you tell them. Then give yourself a bloody good shake and stop all contact with that guy.

morningconstitutional2017 · 02/01/2018 14:52

Actions have consequences which will upset your husband and children. Try to resurrect your marriage first. You say that your husband isn't 'present' - could it be that he's feeling unappreciated too?

KarmaStar · 02/01/2018 14:52

Hi OP
What is it you are asking by posting?also I didn't understand what you meant by the children being a toll on the marriage.
Are you saying as your husband is moody you feel as though you are entitled to progress with this man for affection you're lacking at home?
Sorry for all the questions,I'm just a bit lost.
For what it's worth,I'd tell this man (if he doesn't know)you are married with children and you love your husband and you are going to put everything into making it work and you want no contact with him so you can concentrate on your dh and dc.
If you and your husband then mutually agree your marriage is over,please don't rush into another man's arms until you know what it is you want in life and for the sake of your children who will have their own concerns.
I really hope that by talking you can remain with the husband you say you love and you are both committed to making the other happy.
Good luck🌼

misscheery · 02/01/2018 14:53

Just imagine it the other way round. Your DH finding a new woman, making him feel this way. Just imagine how hurt you would be.

You need to tell him and discuss it. Either discuss the reasons you're no longer happy (because if you'd be happy you wouldn't be interested in someone else's attention), either break up and move on.

What you're doing is just not fair. You're having an emotional affair.

cowssheephens · 02/01/2018 14:53

Don't be so silly OP! Grow up.

MinorRSole · 02/01/2018 14:53

I think a lot of women have been in a similar situation to you. I know that I have, I'm married not dead. The difference is how you handle it.

Yes I've had men flirt with me and try and initiate something. Some I have found attractive and it's always flattering but it's just the same as every other 'first stage'. If you gave into it, fell in love, both left your partners etc etc - you'd be back here in 5 years with the same story again.

Butterflies are fun but they never last long. If you are lucky they may come back for brief visits but those initial stages are fleeting no matter how good they feel at the time

It's just a mutual attraction in danger of getting out of hand.

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 14:54

This makes sad, depressing reading op. Sad

Mrsmadevans · 02/01/2018 14:54

'This man is married and this will be his 3rd affair. :/'
Says it all .....you will be 3rd in line then there will be a 4th and you will soon be on your 2nd
Not worth it imho

cherrycola2004 · 02/01/2018 14:57

Block his number, go no contact and talk to your husband. Make it work or leave him. It's not fair!

Straycatblue · 02/01/2018 14:59

I don’t know what he really wants. I mean, he wants sex
I met a guy. A very good looking guy and he’s interested in me
I feel like it came out of thin air.
This man is married and this will be his 3rd affair.

Actually you do know what he wants you have written it yourself

A good looking married man who regularly cheats on his wife wants to have sex with you. This isnt some fairy tale romance.

It didnt come out of thin air, some men are especially good at sussing out which women will be foolish enough to fall for their charming lies, believe me its not about you as a person, dont be fooled, anyone will do for him, its about him finding someone willing to drop their knickers for him . Any holes a goal.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 15:03

Yeah, youre right OP. Everyone No-one who's ever had an affair has felt like this. Hmm

PinkHeart5914 · 02/01/2018 15:04

This is hardly a dilemma! you can either drop your knickers and have some cheap sex or you can not cheat on the man you’ve been married to 10 years and have a life with.

Imagine when it all come out ( most affairs do) are you going to tell your dc life as they know it is over because mum wanted a meaningless shag?

If you care about your dh in the slightest you wouldn’t even think about treating him this way, it’s a very low way to behave.

Block this guys number and put your efforts in to your marriage and dc

Swipe left for the next trending thread