I’m in a bind, can’t believe this is happening.

[LadyCafe]

I hope I won’t receive harsh judgment. I’ve been married for 10 years and we have children. I’m pretty happy in our marriage and love my husband. Yes, some of the passion and excitement is gone. Believe or not, I’m the one who intitiates sex and willing to try new things. DH has also been moody this past year. He doesn’t seem to listen when I talk and isn’t present. The kids always take a tole on the marriage as well.

I met a guy. A very good looking guy and he’s interested in me. It’s so tempting to take things further and I’m having a really really hard time saying no. He texts me, but not daily, which makes things confusing. I don’t know what he really wants. I mean, he wants sex but I don’t know if he wants a long term affair or not. Do affair partners contact one often?

Has this happened to anyone before? I honestly wasn’t looking to have an affair. I feel like it came out of thin air.

I can’t believe I’m talking like this and seriously considering it. I go back and forth, ie this is just for me to what on earth am I doing?!?

Really?

My friends mother had an affair and left the family home for the other man. My friend never spoke to her mother again. 10 years later my friend developed cancer and was quickly diagnosed terminal. She still wouldn’t speak to her mother even though her mother begged. My friend passed away and her mother was not allowed at the funeral. For some people affairs are unforgivable, let’s hope your children are not one of those people.

Oh god, @PushingThru, one of those cuckolding fantasists?

Makes sense. That's why it's such cliched rubbish.

I’m assuming no one has been in this position. REALLY?????? Just because no one here is advising you to cheat on your husband... we must not have been in your position??? WOW lady, offensive much? I am sure many women have been in your position. They just chose to be decent human beings. And they probably didnt go about seeking advise on how often to text potential affair partners and how to gauge if they want a long term affair or not.

Like I said... the op should definitely go for it.

January isn’t a long and dismal month, mn needs all the entertainment available
.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad
So, in fact, you agree with everyone else: there's something not right in the OP's marriage and this man is not the answer, ideally she should address her marriage to sort it or leave it.
You didn't actually need to have another man waiting to leave your husband. And not having the affair would have been the adult and right thing to do. Leave first. Get together with other person later

OP - we get that your husband doesn't 'get' where you're at. I'm not sure you 'get' how stressful it is to be the sole wage earner either. Travelling for work is nothing like travelling for fun.

So that's why so many are suggesting counselling. Somewhere along the line you two have stopped being able to communicate well (and from my reading of it, value and cherish each other.)

How many of your 'mum friends' work? And how many of those would you say currently have a career rather than a job? If the answer is not many to both I think you need to change who you are speaking to and spending time with. Being a SAHM may have worked for your family in the past; it's not now. Time to get into retraining and back into the workplace and find some value in yourself.

Or you could chuck a hand grenade into your relationship, your family and your comfortable life. Your choice.

My mum had an affair, 17 years ago. It got found out (as they tend to).
I still haven’t forgiven her.

LMAO @"another married woman he met on a dating sight."
I missed that before... this guy really has a type doesn't he?! Married and on dating websites, wow. What a gent.

I know there's some people here now saying that its not an awful thing to do and some have said that they've had affairs that didn't end terribly etc.. bit I can guarantee that if you want to leave your husband and be with someone else then having an affair is not the way to go about it. All of those relationships will have had trust issues and every single one will wish there hadn't been any overlap in the relationships.

You need to ask yourself one question - do you ultimately want to leave your husband? If the answer is yes then you need to start making positive steps towards that (affair would be a negative step) such as talking to your husband about the problems you're having.. how bored you are etc and make it clear that you want to separate.

If the answer is no, you don't want to leave your husband then you need to start making positive steps towards making yourself happier. Talk to your husband and ask how you can both make things better for you. Get his opinion and see what's going on his head.

I really hope you make the right decision. I've been cheated on and I could never understand how the other woman chose to do this to my family - I know it was mostly his fault, but she still had a hand in it. I don't know how any woman can do that to another. No matter how "gorgeous" the guy is. He's not yours for the taking.

OP i posted up thread, and just want to add - if you are not happy in your marriage then you can either a) leave or b) address the problems eg counselling.
I'd venture to bet that if you were 'free', this other man would not find you so interesting. Sorry.

I wish people would be truthful about what being in a long-term marriage is like and what motherhood is actually like. Not the fake romantic notions we are sold as young adults. Indeed, it’s quite far from fairytale. Both being married for a considerable length of time and having children. Maybe if we knew the true state of affairs (excuses my pun), we wouldn’t have unrealistic expectations of happily and blissfully ever after, with a stomach full a butterflies 15 years later. Maybe then mothers would be better mentally prepared for the loneliness, loss of their identity, harsh restrictions in any part of their lives after children. We have been lied to, either deliberately misled or by omission. It is hardly socially acceptable for a mother to want to still put her own needs high enough, we must give and give and give and never have anything for ourselves.

I absolutely know how you feel OP. However, I am afraid an affair is not going to put that right. It will make a bad situation worse.

I loved the post up thread from a lady who went back to work after 12 years. It is our unfulfilling boring lives that is a problem. Try and find what will make you feel better about yourself and your day to day life. It is work for me, absolutely. I shrivel up at home and get depressed, every little niggle seems a big issue. I was so so much happier when WOH (I work from home very part time now). It is the old story though, what is good for me is not good for my kids and family in general, so like millions of mothers I make a choice to benefit everyone else to my own detriment. Kids have been much happier since I stopped WOH, H’s career blossomed, there’s been A LOT less stress for everybody and better healthier lifestyle. But do I miss my work, putting on my smart clothes, feeling sharp and competent, confident of my abilities, knowing my worth, being interesting, having lovely exchanges with colleagues? Like hell I do, every day. Being SAHM is not a bed of roses people think it is.

Do identify the real issue why you feel this way OP. This other man won’t solve anything for you, I am afraid.

That’s a really great post Orangesandlemons.

Yes I agree. orangesandlemons hits the nail on the head. OP it happens to millions of women every year, including to a high percentage of the pearl clutching perfectionistas on here. Its enticing and addictive but long term its grubby amd stressful. Distance yourself and think about what you really want.

This OP’s posts reads like some weirdo who wants everyone to share stories about shagging round on their husbands.

There’s a third option which is an open marriage.

ladamanera - ew.
orangesandlemons - so true.

@ladamanera gasp

Be careful saying that around here. The pearl clutchers will come out from behind their twitching curtains and have a fit. There will be a need for smelling salts and a lie down. Mark my words...

clutches pearls and faints.

Just kidding.

Ha...
Wimmins. Stay. in. your. lane. Misery. Is. Your. Destiny...

This infomercial is brought to you by Madame Bovary.

Thank you OrangeandLemons! You said it perfectly.

After having 3 babies close together, I’m finely getting back to normal(somewhat).

When I tell anyone how hard staying at home can be, I get the “it’s a luxury to be at home” bit. And I know it is. I don’t have to work. It is a huge luxury. But I let myself go for almost 7 years. I look at past photos of me and I look utterly exhausted. I still look pretty tired.

DH and I have a traditional marriage. He is involved and does help though. I told him last night that I’m bored, mind numbingly bored. The kids go back to school next week, thank goodness, because I’m running out of ideas. He said he’ll try harder to not be grumpy and tired when we go out. But I feel guilty putting this on him because he works.

And of course I feel guilty that I’m attracted to this other man. I’m terrified.

I need to go back to work. Our youngest is 3. I’m ready but also scared. I’m so behind. Completely starting over.

It depends who you talk to. I don't think I'd ever want to be full time at home, as much as I love my son.

As someone who almost had a physical affair. I had a full on EA ( we met up twice only talked nothing more). However the guilt of what I did ate me up and I came clean. This texting, messaging and phone calls went on for 18 months. Needless to say my partner was completely floored at my level of deceit, lies etc. He has left and I'm an emotional mess. All of my own making I know. Nothing can change what I have done but I wish I could turn back the clock and send the OM packing. My instincts at the time to just that. However like you I was flattered at the attention and it made me feel desirable and wanted. Please DO NOT have an affair if you want your marriage to last. Take steps to reconnect with you husband if that's what you,want but cheating is not the way to go imo. Just as an aside note my Om was not a Radom stranger he was my first love who had found me via Facebook which I guess made the emotional connection stronger. I had just been through a long almost life ending illness and my partner and I had lost something in the battle. Not an excuse by any means not please from someone who has been where you are now please don't the fallout will be more than you can imagine. Good luck.

Do have any idea of the devostating pain this can cause to your dh and kids? You literally risk pulling life's apart.

My ex wife had an affair with someone she knew who seduced her. Now I have to live with the aftermath of her destructive decisions. Only tonight I had to deal with the agonising up set of too kids that miss their mummy very much. I will never be the same again, I don't think you ever recover from that sort of betrayal and pain. I lost my best friend and the woman I loved. A lovely family future down the pan. And to top it off my ex wife regrets it and wishes things could be back to how they were. Not even she's go anything out of the choices she made. Now she is alone, unloved and even her family hate her for what she did.

So I would be very careful before you make such a selfish and destructive descision.

If you want out then end it but don't cheat. Betrayal causes so much pain, damage and relationship issuses going forward. Surely you don't hate dh that much to do that to him?