'D'H affair?!?

[thegrinchthatstolexmas]

'D'H has a long term friend that lives abroad. He also runs quite a niche business that involves lots of travelling abroad for meetings predominantly on the country that she lives.

She speaks various languages and has been acting as a translator for some of the meetings.

A few weeks ago whilst play fighting 'D'H called me by her name and passed it off as a simple mistake as he had been with there the previous week.

He's become more and more secretive with his phone but today have it to our DC to play games on whilst he was falling asleep.

DC then handed me the phone to get out of a WhatsApp message as they couldnt work out how to do it.

The message was from 'd'H's friend a generic picture message outlaying that she had 'fallen for their late night chats, fallen for the way he makes her feel' etc

Followed by a message from him to her saying he was free (I was out) could he call.

Then a message saying he wasn't free anymore. All this whilst DC were at home in his care.

Am I reading too much into this?

My dad did take his own life.

He'd had affairs.

Not for one minute did I ever blame my mother.

I was immensely grateful that she chose to leave and provide us with a stable background away from all that angst.

A responsible man just does not treat himself like this. Sadly he is one to 'let go' and move on from.

Crikey OP.

to say that he was entirely blameless is a stretch in my opinion. His messages suggest he wasn’t exactly shutting her down. Calling her when they were both alone, continuing to use her for work creating opportunities for them to be together is hardly the actions of someone trying to shut down a one sided crush.

The suicide attempt is very dramatic and clearly a power play to make the situation go away — considering you are yet to end the relationship or even blame him for an affair it seems quite early on for him to try and end his life over it all! Now his mum is arguing his case for him while you feel you have to let everything go. Very handy for him.

And you are left feeling you can’t do anything that would later reflect bDly on your DC s view of you!

Honestly OP, I would suggest a time of separation while you think what you want to do and he seeks counselling for his suicide attempt. Until he is more stable I don’t think it’s a good idea to have anyone who turns to sicuide so quickly around your DC. That issue is for your DH to work on, not you to accommodate by never calling him out on anything / walking on eggshells because he might try and kill him self.

He tried to kill himself? That’s really pathetic, not standing up to his responsibilities!
This is not your fault he’s either guilty, very disturbed or highly manipulative

Your mil is wrong, you’ve done nothing wrong here

Ok plan B. He comes home, you get ducks in a row. You lie low, start amassing info, screen shot more messages between them both....then confront with the evidence....

Agree with pp's that he is trying to manipulate the situation to make himself look like the victim. He did nothing to try to convince you that you had the wrong end of the stick (like call her in front of you), just buggered off for a walk, the 2 of you had not even discussed how you both wanted to move forward and yet he's already attempting suicide? That's a touch much, unless he had pre-existing issues with mental health that made him more likely to do this.

He's already got his mother on-side, even though he was the one in the wrong and I'm betting he's hoping this will give him the sympathy vote with friends/family if and when this all comes out. IT IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. He declined to discuss things with you like an adult or reassure you and is now attention seeking and hoping you feel so guilty you'll take him back, no questions asked. Oh, and if you ever try to discuss it in future, the threats of suicide will no doubt pop up again. Agree with a pp who suggested a trial separation so you have space to work out what you want to do

What a piece of shit your husband is. None of this is your fault. Asking your husband to either explain himself or leave in this scenario is completely and totally reasonable. What follows from that is not your fault.

Don't you feel bad for one second. All of this is blame shifting. Shifting it on to you with the fake suicide attempt. Shifting it on to her saying it's one sided. Basically he's a coward and all he's thinking of is himself. There has been no regard for his kids at all in any of this. That would be enough for me to end it because I wouldn't stay with a shit dad.

Thegrinchthatstolexmas how are you?

I discovered my partner of 11 years cheated on me 2 weeks before Christmas. The OW lives in a different county to us by about 300miles. It was mostly an emotional affair though they did meet once half way at a hotel which she paid for and slept with her. Its been a difficult time from I found out, I always trusted him and believed he was meeting up with his mate who studies in the same county that he met her in for sex (his account was that it was awkward). And like your DH he always accused me, but I was always loyal and trusting. But its 11 years of my life and two kids and I'm not prepared to give up without a fight even though its tearing me up - but despite everything I still want him in my life, he has told me he wants to stay with me and the kids and that it has broke him seeing the consequences of his actions and seeing me so hurt and I believe him. I've told him that I will be able in time to forgive him but that he will need to forgive himself if we are to move forward because I can't be strong for him if I need to be strong for me and the kids. Hopefully you will get to the truth and that things work out for you.

You can see where he has got his manipulative ways from. Don't enter into conversation AT ALL with MIL. Keep him away if you can and batten down your hatches.

What an absolute low life.

This is what OP told us her H said :
Quite calmly asked
what do I want to do.
What do I think is going on
Volunteered to leave
Then said it was all one sided

So she didn't even ask him to leave.
Why would an innocent man volunteer to leave?

WhatsApp backs up every day and you can install the back ups. Don't remember how, but i Googled it when I needed to and it was easy.

Oh gosh OP! Remember MIL opinion is invalid as she will never listen to two sides.

Stay strong xxx

Oh bub3017 I’m sorry for what you are going through that is truly awful. I hope you are remembering your worth.

How are things today op? I am so sorry that this is happening! I honestly am speechless at your h's behaviour. He sounds incredibly manipulative and was more than certainly having an affair! Please don't let your h manipulate you into staying with him! You deserve absolute loyalty! His reaction screams guilty and the ow is disgustingly brazen about the whole thing!

Your h chose to have an affair, knowing exactly what the repercussions would be! You supported him as he built your joint business, he repaid you by having an affair! My dh would absolutely stand up for himself and do everything within his power to prove he wasn't having an affair if he was innocent! Your h's actions are those of a man who knows he has been caught out and is seeking to manipulate you into staying anyway!

You are not responsible for your h's actions, if anything happens, then your h and the ow are to blame, not you! As for your mil, don't let her poisonous tongue make you feel an ounce of guilt! Your h could have easily talked himself out of that situation if it was innocent! Instead, he felt so guilty and panicked about losing everything that he attempted suicide! He might as well have taken an add out on a local billboard saying 'GUILTY AS CHARGED'!

Have been thinking of you OP since you posted, how are things going?