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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H affair?!?

216 replies

thegrinchthatstolexmas · 28/12/2017 18:38

'D'H has a long term friend that lives abroad. He also runs quite a niche business that involves lots of travelling abroad for meetings predominantly on the country that she lives.

She speaks various languages and has been acting as a translator for some of the meetings.

A few weeks ago whilst play fighting 'D'H called me by her name and passed it off as a simple mistake as he had been with there the previous week.

He's become more and more secretive with his phone but today have it to our DC to play games on whilst he was falling asleep.

DC then handed me the phone to get out of a WhatsApp message as they couldnt work out how to do it.

The message was from 'd'H's friend a generic picture message outlaying that she had 'fallen for their late night chats, fallen for the way he makes her feel' etc

Followed by a message from him to her saying he was free (I was out) could he call.

Then a message saying he wasn't free anymore. All this whilst DC were at home in his care.

Am I reading too much into this?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 01/01/2018 19:05

Dont fall for it.

DPotter · 01/01/2018 19:21

Of course you don't want him to come to any harm. You're a reasonable person who until very recently thought her marriage was fine. That doesn't mean you can't be really angry and saddened at how he has behaved by betraying you.

But I agree with others - these are not the actions of a totally innocent man.

WeirdCatLady · 01/01/2018 19:28

If he truly wanted to kill himself he would have done.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.

He is a lying, manipulative cunt. You, and your dc, deserve so much better.

Original poster
thegrinchthatstolexmas · 01/01/2018 19:34

His mother has a habit of not seeing fault in her children and will make it clear to all that will listen that she believes I am responsible for her child's attempt on his life.

I really do believe that this was not one sided but at the same time don't want to have to tell my DC in years to come that their dad killed himself because I accused him of having an affair

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 01/01/2018 19:34

these are not the actions of an innocent man...

He volunteered to leave. An innocent man would not have done that.
Now he's trying to make it all about him and what he wants.

Mxyzptlk · 01/01/2018 19:36

That wouldn't be true, though.

Gemini69 · 01/01/2018 19:40

at the same time don't want to have to tell my DC in years to come that their dad killed himself because I accused him of having an affair

you mean..... you Caught Him... having an affair... Flowers

and what his Mother thinks is irrelevant.... she will always be deluded..

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 19:40

Did he go to hospital regarding his suicide attempt? Was he seen by the crisis team ? At least you know that you won't get any support from his mother so you can cross her off your list. Do you think he would be willing to sit down and have a proper honest conversation with you at this point ?

Ashamedandblamed · 01/01/2018 19:40

He makes his own choices.

I'm sorry but this is bizzare he is clearly attention seeking. If someone accused me of an affair I would think it was ridiculous and let them come to their senses. I wouldn't go out and try to kill myself if I had nothing to hide. Even if he hasn't had an affair do you even want to raise children with someone who is either a massive attention seeker or mentally unstable and manipulative.

ferando81 · 01/01/2018 19:43

He's a Narcissist -he's turned it round so that you feel guilty.

TheweewitchRoz · 01/01/2018 19:44

That wouldn't be true at all Op.

An innocent man wouldn't behave like this at all, so his actions are definitely those of a guilty man - it's up to you how you choose to proceed but you're absolutely not responsible for him being suicidal (& not wanting to sound harsh, but if he wasn't suicidal before this, it's very unlikely that he's actually suicidal now but rather emotionally blackmailing you & if he was suicidal previously, then he needs proper help to deal with his mental health issues).

I think you need your own RL support network as it doesn't sound like you have anyone in your corner.

Good luck Op Thanks

Gemini69 · 01/01/2018 19:58

I'm betting he took some pills .. told his Mother.. and that was the end of that attempt... Flowers

Thingsdogetbetter · 01/01/2018 20:04

Agree with CremeFresh. Was he rushed to hospital? How serious was this suicide attempt? Did his mother get anyone involved for his mh? Bet she didn't cos it's all designed to manipulate you into taking him back! Don't fall for it.

Call their bluff. Tell his mum you're so concerned about his mental instability that you can't possibly allow him back in the house with the children until he has been assessed by the mh team! See how long he can keep up this charade in front of professionals!

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 20:04

Or didn't actually attempt suicide at all , just told his mum he did.

ThatWasNotLove · 01/01/2018 20:09

What exactly did he do OP? Jumped off a bridge and is now in hospital?

If he did try to kill himself and if he had managed, it would not be because you accused him of having an affair! He's being the absolute ultimate manipulator. He's done something wrong (affair) and knows he's going to lose everything and everyone will know why. What better way to make himself look like the victim.

And I'm not a cold-hearted bitch. I've spend a lot of time considering ending my own life (serious historical trauma) and haven't, because of my kids. So, unless he has other mental health issues, which he may do, this is something manipulative. And if he does have underlying MH issues, then it wouldn't be your fault if he did it.

And also, if his DM was aware of his threats and wasn't able to prevent it, if she mentions it again I'd be inclined to say turn it round to her not looking out for him. In a way that's not fair, but if she's blaming you for any of this it might give her something to think about for a bit.

ThatWasNotLove · 01/01/2018 20:12

Also, if his response to being accused of an affair when he's innocent is not to talk to you about it, show you his phone, WhatsApp history etc and CONVINCE you he's innocent, then he obviously doesn't care much about his marriage.

He does seem to care about how he's viewed by others though - being the victim in this, essentially making you look bad - is more important than making sure his wife is certain nothing happened.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 01/01/2018 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowduck · 01/01/2018 20:16

Oh no, I am so sorry. You don't need that added pressure.

He is a grown man. You are not responsible.

Hugs and have a Gin

croon979 · 01/01/2018 20:25

Eurgh, you don’t need this crap when you are trying to deal with the uncovering of a potential affair which is hard enough. He is being so manipulative. If his Mum knows about his messaging and sneaking around and still has landed this with you, then i’m sorry, she is clearly going to see nothing wrong in her blue-eyed boy. Do you have any real life support?

DarkNightDelight · 01/01/2018 20:40

Wow what a piece of work he is ShockHmm
And how incredibly selfish!

He's still guilty in my opinion. So sorry that you're dealing with this narcissistic man in your life. Could be worse I suppose, you could be him.

Big hugs and WineBiscuit

SandiKo · 01/01/2018 23:11

Oh god his faux suicide attempt spiel has made me so cross. It's total BS. An innocent person would just demonstrate their innocence and then decide what they wanted to happen next - not actually top themselves. They'd be punishing everyone by doing that, not just you.

Joysmum · 02/01/2018 00:04

Tell his mum you're so concerned about his mental instability that you can't possibly allow him back in the house with the children until he has been assessed by the mh team

Totally agree.

vwlphb · 02/01/2018 00:15

Absolutely nobody tries to kill themself just because their partner has gotten the wrong end of the stick about an affair.

Innocent people fight their corner, especially if they care about their relationship. This just sounds like someone who can’t face taking responsibility for their actions.

Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 00:22

Tell his mum you're so concerned about his mental instability that you can't possibly allow him back in the house with the children until he has been assessed by the mh team

brilliant .. and very true Flowers

MakeMisogynyAHateCrime · 02/01/2018 00:24

Wow OP he is absolute scum.
I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my children.
His mother is just as bad.

Who do you have locally?

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