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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H affair?!?

216 replies

thegrinchthatstolexmas · 28/12/2017 18:38

'D'H has a long term friend that lives abroad. He also runs quite a niche business that involves lots of travelling abroad for meetings predominantly on the country that she lives.

She speaks various languages and has been acting as a translator for some of the meetings.

A few weeks ago whilst play fighting 'D'H called me by her name and passed it off as a simple mistake as he had been with there the previous week.

He's become more and more secretive with his phone but today have it to our DC to play games on whilst he was falling asleep.

DC then handed me the phone to get out of a WhatsApp message as they couldnt work out how to do it.

The message was from 'd'H's friend a generic picture message outlaying that she had 'fallen for their late night chats, fallen for the way he makes her feel' etc

Followed by a message from him to her saying he was free (I was out) could he call.

Then a message saying he wasn't free anymore. All this whilst DC were at home in his care.

Am I reading too much into this?

OP posts:
Chunkymonkey123 · 29/12/2017 13:33

I’m so sorry OP. No advice but thinking of you and your DC. You deserve better than this 💐

croon979 · 29/12/2017 13:53

Well done OP, you have done really well. You have done the right thing regarding your communications with her.

I think threatening to kill himself because ‘he doesn’t want to start again’ is telling Hmm. If it was me I would need to get him to tell me the truth before I could even start to figure out how I wanted to deal with it/next steps. I would be saying to him that the messages she sent him were damning and he would have told you and not snuck around if there was nothing in it. I would also say that you will never trust him until he comes clean so if he really doesn’t want to start again then he had better start talking. No promises just to get him to start admitting what has really gone on so you can take control and decide if there is anything worth salvaging or if you are kicking him out for good. Flowers for you OP. Stay strong.

Original poster
thegrinchthatstolexmas · 29/12/2017 13:58

The threat to kill himself is infuriating as I feel I can't argue with him how I want to do as not to have that on my conscience if that makes sense. DC would never forgive me

OP posts:
croon979 · 29/12/2017 14:01

Is he fragile or unstable? You know him better than anyone OP. It seems like a manipulating and guilty reaction to me. If someone was assured there was nothing to your suspicions, I don’t think this would be the likely reaction. But you have to deal with it as you think best.

Olgivy · 29/12/2017 14:02

Tell him to jump off a cliff and take a running jump while he is at it.

He went from non suicidal to suicidal once you found out what he is playing at, meaning it's not a mental health issue it's anMANIPULATION tactic to keep you under control.

birdbandit · 29/12/2017 14:15

Are there any men who don't threaten suicide, when their shit hits the fan?

OP, forward him the number for the Samaritans, and don't be further manipulated by his crock.

And the "it's all from her" do you believe that? Do you believe your DH is this innocent, that he has never encouraged her? Her reaction to the threat of you telling her partner, suggests to me that she isn't that fussed, she believes she has her next step sorted.

Good luck.

Anasnake · 29/12/2017 14:48

He's panicking and she's calling your bluff, don't take any notice of either of them. YOU are in control, not them.

Joysmum · 29/12/2017 14:54

Ah so his first reaction is to respond to how HE is feeling. Nothing about remorse or what’s best for you or the kids.

Typical of those who cheat, they are selfish and think very little about anyone else but themselves...and so begins the manipulation Angry

Accidentallyexisting · 29/12/2017 14:56

Did he think about your mental health when he was at the very least getting his ego inflated by this other woman. Suicide threat is a low blow op and manipulation. I understand your concern. Tell his mother he has threatened this and tell him if he says this again you will have no choice but to inform health professionals. Tell him he has already hurt his wife does he really want to hurt his children like that? Divorce and seperation is one thing but a father who commits suicide messes up their life forever. Tell him it’s unkind to band that around like a child who isn’t getting their own way. You are in shock and hurt at his actions, he isn’t, he has known about his actions for a long time and behaving like that will only distance you further.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2017 15:25

Hand him the arsenic. What a drama llama. Boo Fucking Hoo.

There is only one way to deal with kind of manipulation and that is to ignore it.

Chunkymonkey123 · 29/12/2017 15:27

My ex ‘attempted suicide’ when I found out his lies. I don’t think drinking half a bottle of whisky and taking three painkillers was a serious attempt tbh it was yet more manipulation. I’d had enough. He doesn’t get to use mental health issues against you when lots of people are genuinely struggling.

Why has he gone straight to losing everything anyway when all it is is a crush from her?! Seems a bit dramatic. I suspect a drip feed from him. I would tell her husband and see what comes out. The only way you can move forward is to know everything.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 15:30

any Man threatening to kill himself needs help.. if he dos it again.. hit 999 and let the emergency services assess him Medically... then complete your argument.. you cannot be emotionally blackmailed by the unfaithful scum bag...

well done for standing up for yourself Flowers

Mxyzptlk · 29/12/2017 15:33

Why has he gone straight to losing everything anyway when all it is is a crush from her?!

Exactly. You haven't threatened anything. Why is he not just reassuring you? Because he's not all that innocent, I'd guess.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 29/12/2017 15:35

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. My ex also threatened suicide the first time I tried to end our marriage. It took three attempts in the end. That was 6.5 years ago now and the bugger's still alive.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 29/12/2017 15:36

Sorry, meant to add to that that you mustn't allow him to emotionally blackmail you in this way. It's all part of the script.

Comekittykitty · 29/12/2017 15:38

Well done for being on the front foot OP. Another vote for ignoring his suicidal ramblings. Clearly much more than late night chats have happened or he wouldn’t fear “losing everything”...

I really feel for you. Hope you have RL support close by.

I would contact partner of her, teach the cow a lesson and stick two fingers up to her.

LaurelLiar · 29/12/2017 15:45

Why has he gone straight to losing everything anyway when all it is is a crush from her?!

Exactly this!

PawsyMcPawFace · 29/12/2017 15:51

Wonder Woman Grin my ones still alive too. It's all emotional manipulation and very low. As already suggested, if he does it again, call 999. He won't do it again after that.

His actions are very telling.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 29/12/2017 15:52

He's going to commit suicide over someone fancying him....aye right!

IndieTara · 29/12/2017 16:01

It def sounds like an affair

Original poster
thegrinchthatstolexmas · 29/12/2017 16:22

As each moment passes and the more I think about it I'm almost 100% certain there is Atleast an emotional affair going on

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 29/12/2017 16:27

Without a doubt op.

Innocent men don't act like this.

Flowers
croon979 · 29/12/2017 16:43

If you haven’t already I would tell his Mum the detail of the messages you found and the fact he was sneaking around arranging calls when you were not around. Also tell her about the dramatic threatening to commit suicidd which as a previous poster has said, seems an overreaction if there has not been anything going on. She should know that it is her darling son that has caused this mess and whatever lies he may spout, he is not to be believed.

yetmorecrap · 29/12/2017 16:54

You know OP, I think a lot of these guys don't really want it to lead anywhere necessarily, they just can't help getting an enormous ego buzz by the idea that 'someone else' is interested and get totally carried away with the secret 'thrill' of it, especially when general life can become a bit Groundhog Day. Some men are also total drama llamas, as are some women, . Personally I think it may well be an 'emotional affair' that's a bit one sided on her part, he though is a total fool for encouraging it if that is the case . I think if your marriage seemed fine before this then it would be a good idea to ask him for honesty, say if you find anything else out he doesn't tell you you will be separating , and you want a text sending that you are copied into to the OW telling her to bugger off basically. Then, keep the antenna totally up however act casual.- hard I know

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 29/12/2017 17:29

If he really hasnt done anything wrong he really has a funny way about acting like it.
If I had literally done nothing wrong except receive a few unrequited messages and wasn't interested I wouldn't be going off for walks and threatening suicide

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