"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's December 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hi!

So, I saw my parents recently for 10 mins (10 mins too long but birthday). Mother in bed all the time (no idea if choice or condition). I hate going into that fucking bedroom, the bedroom she attempted suicide in. More than once. Heart rate went through the roof, dry mouth, incoming panic attack but no way I was showing any weakness.

In those minutes I was told "we have formalised our wills". I've been told before I would be excluded, as would my DS as I'm not his birth father (no, I'm not, but I've been in his fucking life since he was ONE (he's now in his early 20s) and raised him as my own. He's called me dad for over 17 years, and he IS my son, it simply wasn't my tadpoles), oh yeah, and that my darling brother had been given POA and made executor. All with a rather smug expression.

It's hilarious really, that she thinks I give two shits BUT my son? That's just nasty and designed to hurt me, with DS and DP worthwhile collateral damage. And it has. I'm distraught. I guarantee my daughter is going to get loads of things, my father has a hobby going back as far as I can remember and has goods from it that must be touching £100k+. My daughter. The daughter they always wanted and never had, although I "should have been a girl". As for my brother, my parents desired him to have children. He never has (medical), I do have sympathy for him; I believe he, and his wife, would have been super parents.

Had a massive panic attack when I got home. I've not said a word of what was said. DS is going to feel cast aside and unloved; DD is very sensitive and this will impact her hard. And DP. Get ready for WW3. No idea how to tell her though!

Hi Attila/toomuch

@whyareweallhere It is, and it's something I've been dealing with for a while now (narc mother, enabling father, golden child brother. Search my username on SH threads if you want the backstory).

I'm LC, VERY LC with my parents. I don't go at Christmas, my birthday etc, but I do drop a card in on their bdays/fathers & Mother's Day. I've been NC with my brother for a few years now. There may be a text rarely but I ensure I stay in control and walk away the instant I feel uncomfortable.

With LC, you need to answer the question to yourself just what your reaction would be after LC with x, y, z. If it destabilises you it's not worth it, you've suffered enough. My post under this shows my reaction to a 10min LC.

With NC, you have to mean it and cut these people. My brother was at parents on fathers birthday, parked outside. I posted card through letterbox and went home.

Neither is easy, and often self-doubt if I'm making the right choices. Then I remember my childhood.

You can PM if you want to ask anything you don't want on the thread. Be strong

Hi Steve

So sorry to read this though unfortunately not all that surprised regarding how your visit to them panned out.

Dysfunctional parents often use money and wills to further control their intended targets here. This tactic of toxic parents is well documented and designed to hurt.

My advice to you fwiw would be to completely cut off all contact with them now because they bring nothing to your life or to your own family unit's lives. LC is not working out and you really do owe these people nothing. I would certainly reconsider the sending of cards for both mothers and fathers day. Do talk to your DP about what happened here.

I hope that you can find a way forward from that visit and that Christmas for you and everyone else on here is a happy one. I will be ok re the festive season (the holiday was booked and paid for a year ago and I will never willingly again have MIL here for Christmas) but I will certainly raise a glass to all fellow Stately Homers on December 25th.

Oh I wasn't surprised. I entered with my mental armour on. I'd forgotten the impact that room has on me. Clearly wasn't prepared for the delivered offensive though.

I've been thinking of just going NC. It would be a way to evade the snipes, the snide insults. I also found out my parents are thought great, and that I was lucky, worshipped and given anything. They did well to keep the true nature of my childhood within the walls.

It's been a shit, draining couple of years and my reserves are low, and this procrastination isn't helping.

Do enjoy your holiday Attila, I will join you in getting shitfaced. Oh, and raise a glass on the 26th too

Hello everyone.

I've posted on Stately Homes before, over a year ago, when I was struggling to get my head around what was going on with my parents.

A bit of background. I'm late 40's, I have an adult son and long term partner, neither of who have much to do with my parents, it was just me that met with them regularly. They did a meals out for Christmas & Birthdays where she'd be on her best behaviour.

Earlier this year my SO proposed to me I of course said yes! We decided, for lots of reasons, that we wanted to get married but didn't want a wedding. We decided on just the two of us plus my son and his girlfriend for witnesses.

Everyone was pleased for us, except my mum! She took the huff immediately but refused to talk about it. She gave me the silent treatment, pursed her lips and so on. I assume it was because we weren't having a big wedding but I actually don't know what her issue was because she never said. I tried to bring it up but was met my that face she pulls and her turning her back on me - which means I should shut up. I did what is advised, I didn't react, I thought she'd come round eventually but no, she kept up her disapproval/hatred or whatever it was for a whole nine months. Not once asking how things were going, if i'd chosen a dress, nothing. It was as though it was a banned subject.

We got married about 6 weeks ago. She didn't give us a card or even verbally wish us luck. We saw her (together) the week after we got married, she didn't say congratulations or ask how it went or anything. It was like it didn't happen. My dad was there every time I met them too, he looked quite awkward and uncomfortable but said nothing, not while I was there anyway.

She has hurt me so very much by ignoring such a significant day. I kept hanging on waiting and waiting for her to say something and she never has.

My point is, I can't see her anymore. I just can't. She's destroyed that tiny last piece of hope and her actions led to me sobbing the night before we got married. I made an excuse not to see her about a month ago (through my dad's facebook messenger as she never responds to texts) and then just didn't bother to contact them. But then yesterday she sent me a text (she has never ever text me before) saying she's going away for a few weeks, hopes to see us before Christmas and that she's missing me!

I think i'm being 'hoovered'. She has never missed me, it's not something she has ever said before. I've blocked her from being able to text or call, i've blocked my dad too and their landline. I'm scared though, i've never stood up for myself, I feel terrified, I don't even know what of. I can't go back to sitting opposite her disapproving face, I don't want to either but I feel so frightened and I don't even know what of. Hours and hours after the text I got to the point of thinking 'how dare she', how dare she ignore her only child marrying, shoot disapproving looks, sulk, scowl , make snide comments week after week for nine months and then say she's missing me and hopes to see me, it's just so very wrong and I feel hurt that she couldn't even pretend to be pleased for me in exchange for a weekly coffee. I feel like i'm doing the right thing by withdrawing but I also feel so helpless. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do or am I doing it? Will it get better or will it (as I fear) get worse?

I'm so sorry it's so long. I'm really anxious and I can't condense.

I'm sorry, I proper rambled with my PP. It's just, I went low contact with my parents about 18 months ago to kind of give her what she wanted and to save my sanity at the same time. A bit like if she's only able to take small bites I will be able to last for longer.

I'm definitely the scapegoat. She puts on me all the bad things she thinks about herself. She sees me as fat, ugly, scruffy, witch looking, untidy, clumsy, a slag, uncaring, selfish. She doesn't outwardly display any of these, and neither do I (I don't think) but I do remember snippets from childhood where she thought these things about herself or she said other people thought them of her. She constantly nit picks and puts me down, her default mode is disappointed. She also tells me all her problems, bitches about other people (no one is safe). I don't have direct contact with any of my family as everything goes through her. She does all the things i've read about and it's validating yet hurts like crazy at the same time.

This feels different though, maybe because it's more specifically aimed. I feel like i'm being selfish by moaning about the lack of attention she gave me for getting married, I feel like i'm being a spoilt brat. It's honestly not that though, i'm so not an attention seeker or a make it all about me person, it's more that she went out of her way to make it obvious that she wasn't interested. I've never seen her be so stubborn about anything before. It frightened me, and it frightened me that she could keep this up for so long. I don't even know why either. I don't know what I was supposed to do.

Hi. 3 deaths in my family have made me reevaluate everything. N C with Bully of a sister for over a year. Realised she was allowed to bully me to make my parents lives easier. One parent now dead other struggling and i am just expected to do everything for them. It's crap

I just have to write this down and this is the only appropriate place and you all might understand where I am coming from.

At our family's most recent holiday gathering, I talked a lot, told stories, laughed, interacted with people, when I'm not supposed to talk at all - it embarrasses my mother, or she's afraid I will say something to embarrass her - she wants me to stay quiet, although she welcomes my brother speaking.

I am just so over it at this point in my life (I'm mid-50's) that I went on and on and others chimed in contributing, so I don't think I was dominating, just introducing topics - ALL right in front of her. HA! She's lost control of me.

Owst - I hear you. How liberating it must have felt to finally break free, to find your voice and speak out! You are no longer confined within the box of their making.

I'm sure you will have ruffled more than a few feathers that night and about bloody time too!

This is not connected to my previous posts but If you receive a card for a birthday after months of no contact. What do you do? Send it back? Put it in the bin?

Hi Why. I've done a load of reading about that sort of thing and the recommendation is to bin it.

It does make sense because even sending a card back is contact.

The way I think of it no contact is done to protect yourself, it's a bit like retreating to a safe place. Sending a card back is more along the lines of not speaking, ignoring or silent treatment and not only is this what a lot of people are trying to escape from, it can give the message that you're in a mood but you'll be okay once you calm down. Or, it can be a red rag to a bull. In other words it can make them push harder and before you know it it's a re-run of dramaville.

whyareweallhere I'd bin it. I think some people say that if you've officially gone NC - sent a letter and so on - then you should send it back but my preference is just to bin because they might take a sent back card as communication.

Oldwomansaysthis good on you! That's awesome.

Norabutty you're not being selfish for wanting her to recognise your marriage in a positive way, not at all. (I wonder if you feel like a "spoiled brat" because that's how she labelled you, as a child, if you asked for your needs to be met?) It's not even as if she wasn't interested: she was showing her disapproval pretty hard, although as is standard, not actually using her words to express what was wrong. I think you were supposed to figure out what you'd done wrong, and fix it, without her having to make herself vulnerable by letting you know she cared or be obliged to feel any gratitude as she would if she had actually asked you. Do you think she wanted you to have a big wedding? Or is it possible that as the scapegoat that in her eyes you weren't supposed to be getting married at all - she's jealous of your relationship?

I wonder if this is the first time she's expressed her displeasure and you've not scrambled to fix whatever it was that was wrong? I think if you've been doing it since childhood you get very good at anticipating their needs and reading their moods and adjusting your behaviour almost without thinking. And it can seem as though you have a very "nice" relationship, you know, there's a lot of nice sentiments expressed and things like that... as long as you keep doing what they want. But if you once go against them you see a side of them that might be entirely new or you might not have seen it for a long time. And if you last experienced that side of her in childhood, that fear is probably coming from childhood too.

Just remember, scary and all if their anger is, if you don't hear it, you don't have to worry about it I think the most crazy-making thing about all this is the fact that we grow up so attuned to our parents' moods that we almost read our own emotions off of their faces. She's angry = I'm scared, and also, I have a job to do to fix that. Once you stop seeing their moods as your problem it gets better. Once you stop being able to hear the shouting, it gets better still . You're on the right track.

whyareweallhere

Re the card, I would bin or otherwise shred it, do not give it any more power. Sending it back is a response which is the desired wish of the sender. Do not give them that power either. Radio silence from you should be maintained.

Thank you toomuch , you're bang on with me being a spoilt brat as a child. And with all the rest.

I have thought a lot about what it was she wanted me 'to fix', i'm not sure which one of the two thoughts I had it might be but I couldn't do anything about either of them. I have thought it could be both and that's why she sulked rather than tantrummed or manipulated.

She knows we didn't have the cash for a big wedding and although she has plenty she wouldn't ever spend it on me, so that's a conflict for her I suppose. She wouldn't be able to ask me to have a big wedding as then she'd have to hear me say out loud that we couldn't fund that and that would have to put an end to her sulk.

The other thing I thought it might be is that she absolutely hated her wedding. Back in the 70's (they were only 20 years old) my dad slept with my mum and my mum got pregnant. She was from a catholic family so they were forced to marry and she wasn't allowed to wear white or even have a new dress. Her two sisters went on to have big white weddings and she is very jealous of those and very bitter about hers. She was made to feel like shit by her own mother. It got worse because when she came to have me she had a very long and difficult birth and was not allowed pain relief. When I was a child she blamed me (not herself or even her mother) for all of this, the wedding, being 'stuck' with my dad, losing her figure, the financial cost, the cost to her social life and freedom etc. She has not done this recently, or in the past 25 - 30 years but maybe it all came flooding back. I had a child out of wedlock, he's in his 20's now. I have lived over the brush for over 10 years, and i'm happy. I think rather than being pleased for me that she thinks that this is very unfair on her.

So that could be the conflict, she'd be able to show off if I had a big wedding but I don't deserve a big wedding. It's just a theory though because she didn't indicate at all what is was she was so pissed about.

It's not the first time I haven't scrambled to fix what was wrong, it's the third, but it's the third in a very short space of time. About 6 months previously I increased my hours at work which meant i'd only be able to see her once a week not twice, again though I suppose she couldn't legitimately reason that I should earn less. The next one is sort of linked she reasoned that I could see her twice a week if I made my son catch the bus home from work rather than give him a lift home. I pass right by his workplace on my way home so this didn't make any sense. In her mind it was as though I could detour after work to visit her for an hour whilst my son was tied up being stuck on a bus. None of it made practical sense so I said no, I think she felt rejected but there is only so much of me to go round.

Thank you for the advice about not seeing their moods as my problem. I did pander to her a hell of a lot, automatically. There's no going back from this though. She's gone too far now, and it's public. All my friends and my OHs family know that she didn't acknowledge our wedding so I kind of feel humiliated on top of ignored and sulked at. It's hard though, no matter how much I try and rationalise it and I know i'm doing the right thing I still feel like i'm being 'awkward'.

Apologies for length of post, again. It feels soooo good to write it down.

Re: mail - I am NC with my dad for 20 years. I just put all of the correspondence in a file cabinet unopened. One time there was something really hard in the envelope, so I opened it and found several gift cards. I am sure he kept the unique numbers off the back of the gift cards so he could check on the balances of the cards. I'm sure he thought I would spend it and he would be able to complain that his daughter won't speak to him, but she is still happy to spend his money - the ungrateful bitch. I just hid the cards in my file cabinet, not wanting anyone else to get their hands on them and spend them and my dad think it was me. Otherwise, though, I don't care what these cards and letters say - it's manipulative crap. They stay unopened and unread.

+1 for just binning the card.

@NoraButty

I'm so glad you are sticking to your guns. Your mother's refusal to acknowledge your wedding - such a significant commitment in your life - was mean-spirited. The question for her now, is that as your marriage is now an inescapable fact, how is she going to reconcile that with her previous behaviour?

I lived with DH for nearly two years before we married. I was so nervous about actually committing to someone and admitting any sort of vulnerability, that it took him two years of unconditional love and patience to convince me. So opposed were M and F to our living together - "What would people say?" - that about twelve months into our relationship, F came to see me when I was alone at home and actually tried to make me choose between them and DH. I think that was the first time I openly defied them.

When we got engaged, there was no acknowledgment whatsoever from M and F, although M told members of the extended family that it would end in tears. She has never really accepted our marriage but to outsiders, she pretends otherwise.

As I have said previously, M has strong opinions about everything under the sun. No facts, just opinions. Truth is a mere inconvenience and can be swept aside. She cannot cope with being wrong. When she is, she either rewrites history or she lashes out. So the fact that our marriage has lasted so long (25 years and counting) is an affront and has to be in some way reconciled with her opinion. Even if it is done through gritted teeth.

That's why I'm wondering, Nora, if it might be something like that for you? That your mother simply cannot bear to be proved wrong and so she is making approaches now so that she can "adjust the reality" and pretend that she was always happy with your decision to marry quietly, using Christmas as an excuse to paper over the cracks? I could be wrong, of course, but it's the kind of thing my mother would do. It doesn't change anything, of course. The hurt has been caused and the damage done and I'm so sorry for that.

May your marriage be a long and happy one. And remember that living well is the best revenge.

The other week, DSis had what she described as a "really weird" phone call from M. M hardly ever rings and when she does, DSis usually ignores it, preferring limited contact via one-line emails. However, she picked up this time.

M didn't bother to ask about her grandchildren. ("Grandchildren are such a bind" she told my DSis matter-of-factly just after she had given birth to her much longed-for first. "You'll realise that yourself in time")

Instead, M went on at great length about how terribly she is suffering because of the silence from me (it was M who initiated NC!!!) and how she had been so overcome that she had collapsed in the street but "a nice couple, a professional couple" (whatever that means) had helped her to her feet and got her home. How she "loved all of her children", etc etc etc.

DSis and I concluded that this was my cue to get in touch to offer sympathy for her alleged collapse and, probably, to seek abject forgiveness for unknown transgressions. M barely tolerates DSis but so obviously picked her as the messenger because she knows that only DSis has any influence with me. However, DSis would never put that kind of pressure on me and in fact, says she was "quite cool and offhand" with M during the call.

I'll know M has reached DefCon4 if her next move is to use middle sister as an intermediary. Middle sister holds no sway over me but I fully expect that she might, at some point, descend on me to try and broker a reconciliation (in her own interests, not mine. She is apparently already having a mini-breakdown having to cope with M on her own without me in place as a human shield). However, I feel ready now to deal with that. DH says if middle sister even tries, he is going to tell her a few home truths and he's never been a man to mince words. He is beyond livid at the way M has behaved and F did his usual - stood by and did nothing.

Feeling crappy at the min. Christmas is coming, should be a time for families and all that shit. I’m NC with most of mine due to childhood abuse. Does this ever get better? Does this ever go away and not intrude on my life every day?

Hi Shepherds

re your comment on your stepmother:-

"Now she keeps contacting me wanting to see my kids. I said she can but will only go through her daughter".

No, no and no again. The rule of thumb here is that if the person is too toxic/difficult/narcissistic for you to deal with, its the same deal for your kids also. Why would you want this woman anywhere near your most precious resource, i.e. your kids?. This woman has and will continue to steamroll through any boundaries you care to set here. Narcissists as well make for being deplorably bad as both people and grandparents and your kids really do need to stay away from her, this abusive woman.

Her daughter as well is likely to be a carbon copy of mother.

BTW where is your dad here in all this, I ask only as he is not at all mentioned.

There are normal beings out there who do behave normally but your stepmother will never be one of those people. It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

If she comes to your house you do not let her in. If she persists with unwanted contact then have a word with the police re harassment. Have no contact at all with her or any of the flying monkeys she could now send into do her bidding for her. Cast iron boundaries and radio silence from you needs to be maintained. Would also suggest you read the Out of the FOG website and Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

"Well I've only maintained distant contact and my dd quite likes her.
She is their 'grandma'-as my mum died".
I always thought better something than nothing".

I'm afraid not re your last sentence.

Further lower all contact albeit now distant with your stepmother to zero. No good will come of maintaining any level of contact with her. Your DD quite liking her is no reason really to continue any form of contact. Children need emotionally healthy people as grandparents, not abusive nightmares like narcissists in their lives because the narcissist amongst other things will do the golden child/scapegoat dynamic on your own children. Your stepmother is clearly as well not emotionally healthy.

Am I surprised that your dad left her; not a bit of it. Women like your stepmother cannot do relationships at all and the men in their lives are either discarded or are as narcissistic as they are.

I understand that you are scared of them but this is what she wants too. Best thing here going forward is to concentrate your energies on your own family unit and to live well. You need to put mental distance between you and she.