Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

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Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

Actually that's not accurate, sorry.

Emotional intelligence, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time), kindness are all there similarly.

It's the desire to learn and curiosity about the world that are there, but just sometimes at a different level.

And a specific lack of education, but not a lack of interest.

Argh, I'm probably making a total mess of this.

4 standard deviations would be more or less the difference between a genius and a learning disability. That seems unlikely within a relationship, although far from impossible.

Yep.

Person with highest IQ tested at highest test could score person with lowest tested at borderline LD.

But person who scored at 'genius' level is not 'A Genius'.

It sounds unlikely. I know.

I guess so, yes.

I don't quite follow the part about "four standard deviations".
I don't think it would necessarily be a problem, not if you judge by the film "Good Will Hunting" anyway? (With Robin Williams and Matt Damon). Have you seen it?

We all have differences - of emotional intelligence, shared interests and kindness etc are on a similar level and it’s just a lack of curiosity or willingness to learn new things, it probably describes a lot of couples. I can’t see a problem with it.

Plenty of people have relationships where they have significant cultural differences or opposite political views and manage to work round it. I can’t see that this is any different.

If you’re talking about someone who has actual learning difficulties then there might be an element of care-taking involved in a relationship like this, which could then lead to a power imbalance, but no more so than a financial discrepancy or one partner being a sahm for example.

I think it would be very difficult to have a partnership of equals in that scenario.

*IF emotional intelligence, not of

DH and I are different intelligence wise. Doesn’t bother me 99% of the time. The only minor irk is his inability to spell.

We’ve been together 22 years, married for 16.

I think the shared interests would allow lots of scope for a good friendship but a long term relationship would ultimately be unsatisfying for both parties. Or it would create such an unbalanced relationship that both sides would need intellectual/emotional stimulation and support from outside.

I'm sure that it can work, but I don't think it would work for me, and if it's an issue at the start of the relationship is not going to go away.

You are making a mess of this, yes! ;-)

What do you get from the relationship, do you enjoy discussing current affairs or other topics of interest with them? For me I'd rather be with someone with different interests but a common level of critical understanding, than someone with shared interests but their understanding being only at a superficial level.

It's fairly clear who the 'intelligent' one is here. Sorry but long term this relationship would make you very lonely.

According to research most successful long term relationships are based on similarity in a range of areas. So I wouldn’t give the relationship much chance of succeeding.
Romantic relationships are based on sharing norms, values, a sense of humour and interests. I would imagine that the person with the higher IQ could start to feel isolated and misunderstood, especially if their educational level is different too. The person with the lower IQ might start to feel patronised or not good enough unless their partner condescends.
Although the term condescending is used as an insult, its literal meaning is adopting the way of speaking, the interests and concerns of the person to ahom you are speaking.

I have two good female friends married to men who are both less intelligent and less educated than them.

They have both been happily married for over 15 years.

The main impact on them I can see is that as the primary income earners by far they both expressed regret that they didn’t have the opportunity to become SAHMs for any length of time. However this could be the case regardless of intelligence or education.

I also know plenty of men married to less educated, less intelligent women. No one bats an eyelid at those relationships.

Person with highest IQ tested at highest test could score person with lowest tested at borderline LD.

Is this some Facebook type test?

Is the person with a possible learning difficulty able to maintain meaningful employment?

I'm trying to assess if this test has any real world significance.

So one of the couple is two standard deviations above average, and the other two below? So one is in the top 2% and the other in the bottom 2%? I can't see that working to be honest.

MyRelationship see that's kind of the position I have. There is an element of 'care taking' involved but no more than there would be if someone had a physical disability/sensory impairment and required support. There are a lot of people on here who act as carers for partners with anxiety/depression.

it’s just a lack of curiosity or willingness to learn new things, it probably describes a lot of couples I'd say this is similar too but at different levels in terms of one has a first class degree etc and one attended a special school and has no formal qualifications. Although is employed full time in a skilled role.

hevonbu a standard deviation is about 15 IQ points. I haven't seen Good Will Hunting, no. Maybe I should!

I do agree with Hawk though, none of the relationships I’ve mentioned are what I would call “equal”

The more intelligent partners (whether male or female) are definitely in charge.

Is this some Facebook type test?

No. Both offficial testing. One as part of medical assessment.

Aren't most successful relationships where you can "be yourself"? I think this would be difficult, for both parties, in a relationship where you had to either explain ideas a lot or not bother to talk about certain subjects because it would feel like hard work.

Merrier top 1%. Basically IQs of 161 and 75/80 (tested twice).

BenLui I agree that it doesn't seem to be as much of an issue if the man is the intelligent, higher earner and the woman is the less intelligent trophy wife.

There would be no issue of children.

Aren't most successful relationships where you can "be yourself"? I think this would be difficult, for both parties, in a relationship where you had to either explain ideas a lot or not bother to talk about certain subjects because it would feel like hard work

Yes, this is the main consideration, I think. But there are other people with whom there can be intellectual converstions.