Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

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Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

If your basing compatibility on iq test I'd do the guy a favour and end it.

DH is very, very clever, fearsomely so. I'm just bright enough; nice degree, few years working in finance and now teaching. He understands science and maths in ways I couldn't even begin to, but has the emotional understanding of a drunk toddler. So whilst IQ is one way to measure a person it's entirely possible that the one with the higher IQ actually does have some of their needs met by the person with the lower IQ who might be more emotionally competent and have more life skills. DH's intelligence comes from an entirely different place to mine; put us both on desert islands and there's no question I'd outlive him. Put us in a laboratory and no question he'd outlive me.

If two people make one another happy, treat one another kindly and aren't hurting anyone else, there's nothing more to it. I'm not sure love is quantifiable, in fact I'd go so far as to suggest even 'like' isn't measurable. That's why relationships are confusing, because sometimes they don't make sense to anyone but the people in them.

OP has said children not an issue Marsha. I presume it is OP in the couple.

Has the lower in one got a learning disability that has brought this down ? My ASD son is very intelligent but has limited common sense.

In reality I think it can makes difference (my iq was 153 pre menopause !) and I know I struggled to find common ground with one of my boyfriends (years ago) who I just couldn't hold a meaningful conversation with - he just wasn't bothered about anything other than his limited interests.

Well it's not really 'hilarious', garden, tbh, but wondering about things that you have mentioned. There's not really a 'care to get them right'. The tests were conducted under appropriate conditions but I do think that other factors, outside of simple intellectual ability, that impacted on the results.

With all due respect, it's not possible to score 161 on an IQ test just by 'trying hard. And most people, when undertaking any test as part of a diagnosis, would try their best.

Lemonshark I see what you mean. There isn't any of that though. There's no 'snidey comments' or chips on shoulders. The difference is acknowledged, but not an issue between them.

Does the high IQ person also have additional needs that make them vulnerable or have social issues in any way (e.g. Aspergers)? Yes. Exactly that.

I wouldn't expect a person with learning difficulties to be especially intimidated by a phd, for example because anything above GCSEs would count as very academic to them so I'm not sure about the claim someone made above that this person would feel 'belittled'. I think that would be more of an issue for someone who is intelligent, but still pretty average I would agree with this.

Hermione That's what the fear is, I think.

Nousername They each bring a great deal. The less intelligent person is far more socially adept, compassionate, open and honest and has given the more intelligent person the confidence to take risks emotionally, for example, and forces them to rethink their more rigid approaches. There are shared interests and common positions, e.g. political - it's just that one person has a deeper understanding than the other.

"put us both on desert islands and there's no question I'd outlive him."

One thing I dislike is the idea that those of us not super intelligent, must therefore be practical, as if these things were distributed evenly in the womb.

If your basing compatibility on iq test I'd do the guy a favour and end it.

I think it's clear that wasn't the question.

Thanks Gwen I thought it was at first but then a few lines made me question it

Op I don’t see why not, if you’re enjoying the time together then that’s what counts at this stage

OP, are you the partner with the higher IQ score?

In what context were both tests done and who did them?

What is the condition that would impact on the test performance partner with the lower IQ score?

It depends what is important to each person. I dated someone of approx 2 s. d's difference in intelligence to me. He was lovely in many ways and very good looking, but I couldn't get over the disparity. I was embarrassed by him on occasions, and felt awful about that. I really wanted to be able to look past it, but I couldn't. It was important to me to be with somebody at the same level as me. My now DH is at my level and its so much easier and more comfortable. I feel proud of my husband but felt ashamed of my ex and it even might have grown into contempt, which is the kiss of death to a relationship.

Has the lower in one got a learning disability that has brought this down ?

Yes. I believe so. Both have ASCs.

I can understand why it's important to be compatible in terms of educational attainment.

It just baffles me why someone needs to think about it in such prescriptive terms as comparing IQ scores. A bit Paralysis by Analysis.

Kind of sucks the life out of it.

I have a relative with an IQ in the top 2%. He doesn't seem particularly intelligent day to day. He is bright, yes but not noticeably more so than others. His spouse failed their 11+ and has a skilled manual role. The discrepancy in IQ is not striking in real life.

Whilst I deliver IQ testing in my job (and maintain that all these posters scoring 150 plus have not been assessed using standard educational measures for the UK, which don't measure above 145 ish) I am hugely skeptical about their worth as measures of much except for the skills in an IQ test. They can be hugely impacted by anxiety, confusion, tiredness, lack of familiarity, cultural constraints etc. If your relationship works, forget those numbers. If it doesn't work, forget those numbers. Just work on whether you are compatible and spark off each other.

I would struggle in this scenario I think, either way round. I've been married to someone who had more intellectual firepower than me; it had its moments but I think the difference contributed to what we were individually prepared to put up with in life, and I also felt inferior a lot which made me miserable as I didn't feel I could ever legitimately ask for my goals to take precedence - his always had more logic behind them but logic isn't everything. I'm certain the difference was nothing like as much as you are talking about.

If your basing compatibility on iq test I'd do the guy a favour and end it

^^ lol mulch I agree. I wonder if it's Alexa talking...

I used to go out with someone who wasn’t that academic etc whereas I was - over time it did bother me but that was more to do with him having a chip on his shoulder about me going to university. I ended up calling it a day.

Nope. No degree. Long past that stage...

No intense scrutiny. Having a thought and developing an opinion is pretty normal.

They were different tests conducted a fair few years apart. I'm not really considering either score to be 'correct', if I'm honest, but they do illustrate that there is a significant difference. If I'd just said one person was more intelligent than the other, I'd have had snarky replies (have seen it before), where as the majority of replies on here have been useful to me and thought provoking. So thank you.

Is this your relationship? The thing is quite often 'geniuses' are socially inept and need help in different ways . My son has learning difficulties and is the most amazing sociable boy , excellent at making friends even though he can't talk and has the most loveable aura . I would find it a bit weird if a NT woman was Interested in him when he is an adult .

I also felt inferior a lot which made me miserable as I didn't feel I could ever legitimately ask for my goals to take precedence - his always had more logic behind them but logic isn't everything

That's shit really. Just because one person can make a 'better' argument for their goals than the other doesn't mean that they are more important or should take precedence. I think both people have a responsibility to make the other person feel valued and achieve their potential/goals. Whatever they are.

My IQ tests at 155, which puts me in the "highly intelligent" range according to the link given earlier.

My late H had never been tested or diagnosed but clearly had dyslexia, and I would say his IQ probably would have tested around 90-99 once the dyslexia was accounted for.

I fell for him because he was kind, protective and honest. I was coming out of a relationship with a man who was highly intelligent but emotionally cold.

At first things were lovely and although I had to make a conscious effort not to use "big words", after we married the cracks started to show.

As his son got older (5 when I moved in, sole residence) it became apparent that H simply could not cope with any form of interaction with the school and did not value education.

H was expelled from school at 13 and his insecurity about his own lack of academic attainment was a massive, massive problem, which was now impacting massively on DS. Any letter from school was a massive deal and would result in tantrums and threats to remove DS from school and home educate him (turns out his idea of home ed was "we don't have to get up in the morning and he needs at least 6 hours of CBeebies every day including the boring maths and english ones.) H had NEVER once sat down with DS and read to him, with the result that at age 6 DS simply could not read or write.

(DS clearly also has dyslexia but H would never agree to let him be diagnosed. I took over all the education support stuff and things did improve for DS.)

I know OP you've said children wouldn't be an issue with this relationship. However I hope the above illustrates that this kind of gulf between partners can result in problems which have a very hard impact on the relationship (and possibly on others.)

As our relationship worsened, every time we argued I would be accused of "using big words on purpose". When I tried to lower my vocabulary he would then accuse me of being patronising. I could not win (and of course an argument shouldn't be won anyway, it should be resolved.)

The thing that ultimately split us up was not his level of intelligence, it was his level of insecurity in regard to that.

I could have coped with not having deep and meaningful conversations about philosophy, or other forms of music than the BeeGees, or statistical theory - I got that from other people. I couldn't cope with being constantly asked to pretend I wasn't more intelligent than him. And I definitely couldn't cope with watching him undermine DS's efforts at education.

(After we split I maintained contact with DS daily by phone and every school holiday - H moved a few hundred miles to move in with a new GF. After H died I fought long and hard to get DS back to me rather than with his abusive birth mum. Eventually we won through and he has recently passed his functional maths and english level 1. A massive victory considering the way his dad actively sabotaged his education.)

I am hugely skeptical about their worth as measures of much except for the skills in an IQ test. They can be hugely impacted by anxiety, confusion, tiredness, lack of familiarity, cultural constraints etc. If your relationship works, forget those numbers. If it doesn't work, forget those numbers. Just work on whether you are compatible and spark off each other.

Thank you, that's really helpful.

I am reading all the responses and taking it in. I just don't want to say too much.

OP fwiw my DH didn't go to University, but has practical life experience and knowledge of subjects as diverse as marine biology, physics, maths and physiology. 'On paper' and if you were to IQ test him, DH might come out lower than me (who knows, neither of us have been tested) but in the 'interesting person' stakes he outshines lots of people that might be a good match on paper. And we've developed together over the years of our relationship. Our motto is "we are greater than the sum of our parts".