Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

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Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

Gwen you don't know that, not if both are autistic. There may be a gap but not as big a gulf as it appears. As I commented, my own son's score moved from one end to the other. IQ testing of autists is inaccurate.

Isn't 75-80 Forrest Gump range?

I suppose it depends on what the partners need. My DH needs to be challenged or the spark dies for him, so although I'm not as formally educated or experienced I'm just as intelligent and inquisitive and love debates.
but that would wear on the next person, who may need steadiness and comfort in a partner to fall and stay in love.

No, not inaccurate, always...but more subject to inaccuracy.

I would say my marriage somewhat fits this description but I'm not sure it's intelligence but education that's the main difference between me and my husband. He left school without A levels and I have a PhD (completed part-time whilst with him). At times I do find it hard to discuss current affairs with him as he has a fairly simplistic view of the world and occasionally I wish he would think more critically. BUT we originally connected on our shared unconventional sense of humour and I love him for being kind, generous, liberally minded, and open to new ideas. He is certainly bright enough to keep my interest, he just didn't get on well at school. I also have the ultimate respect for his practical intelligence and he is much better in social situations than me. So I guess what I'm saying is IQ may be an indicator but someone's life experiences shape their various dimensions of intelligence and you can have a successful relationship if you respect each other's strengths.

"Gwen you don't know that, not if both are autistic."

I think it's highly likely that the OP's impression is correct and we might as well work on that basis.

Well, my sister is pretty low academic/IQ ability, and her husband is a genius. They've been married for 27 years and are very happy together. However, she is a bit of a 'surrendered wife' who is just so grateful that he provides a nice big house and shares it with her. His nickname for her is his "little thicky" - and she finds that affectionate. so, they're happy, but I wouldn't be in that situation.

My mum is also quite a bit more intelligent than my dad but again, she defers to his male superiority all the time and him being a man makes him the boss, so the intelligence discrepancy doesn't show so much.

It can work - but both parties have to be totally on board with valuing what the other one brings to the relationship, rather than placing any emphasis on their academic abilities.

People used to say of the sitcom Friends that Joey and Ross would never be friends in real life. I think even Chandler and Joey wouldn't be friends. I suppose Joey was more ignorant than stupid though...

I haven't rtft (well, not past the first two pages).

In my experience, it didn't work. I didn't feel that I could be me - I would have to narrow my vocabulary and narrow the topics that we could talk about. I think part of the issue in my previous relationship was the lack of curiosity about the world on my xh's part (although maybe that was down to a lack of confidence).

I went into the marriage thinking that I would get intellectual stimulation from my job and my friends and that that would suffice. But for me that wasn't enough.

daisychain IQ tests don't test any subject knowledge. They test at ability to see patterns and make connections

Yes, I agree and I know what is included in an IQ test, although I haven't experienced one myself. I expect being put in front of one, with a clock ticking away in the background would make me run for the hills .

It was just a light hearted comment, but I wanted to illustrate that you can be an interesting person with plenty to contribute without attaining a high IQ rating. DH would be the first to admit he was rubbish at exams.

It was just a light hearted comment, but I wanted to illustrate that you can be an interesting person with plenty to contribute without attaining a high IQ rating.

Oh absolutely agree!

dustbunny no. 75-80 is below average but not in learning difficulties range, which is general considered second percentile and below. It's 3 children in every primary class, it's 150 children in a 1500 secondary school. It is not remarkable. It's equivalent to 120 to 125 on the 'other side' of the range, "bright" rather than "amazing".

Does the high IQ person also have additional needs that make them vulnerable or have social issues in any way (e.g. Aspergers)? Yes. Exactly that

I had a feeling that this would be the case, otherwise, to put it bluntly, it's unlikely the higher IQ person would have overlooked the social norm of tending towards people of a roughly similar intelligence level.

If they have a lot in common in their experiences, why are friends concerned? What is the concern about?

I think the exaggeration in scores is probably over-stated and if the couple are happy, then it's all good. The only thing I'm missing is why the lower IQ person is actually 'vulnerable' as in needs protecting from the other person if they have a job and are reasonably high functioning.

His nickname for her is his "little thicky" - and she finds that affectionate. so, they're happy, but I wouldn't be in that situation.

Is that their joint humour or him being a bit of a twat? Is she happy in the surrendered wife role?

I can't imagine having a nickname like that for someone I loved and respected.

The only thing I'm missing is why the lower IQ person is actually 'vulnerable' as in needs protecting from the other person if they have a job and are reasonably high functioning.

I don't think they need protecting from this other person but has been take advantage of previously for being trusting and getting hurt.

Im married to someone academically way smarter than me. A straight a student, quick learner. Whereas i have average grades but a huge appetite for learning new things, travelling, meeting new people. I know he and others find me odd because i cram my days full of different things and i get very low in mood if i cant be learning new things. We do struggle to have conversations. Yet on the surface it would look as though id married up

I won't elaborate on here, but they've both benefitted from being with the other so much already. There are aspects of both of their lives that have improved in a way that just would not have happened had they not met/got together for many reasons. It was a really unique matching of qualities.

Actually, that is so much more important than anything else isn't it?

Many years ago when I was first teaching in the mid to late 70's an iq test result of 75-80 would have meant a place in a " special" school. This was in the unenlightened days of course before other factors were taken into consideration.

Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves

I call a spade a spade

I call a spade a spade

You're going to have to explain that comment.

Mulch - I described above my experience of dating someone more intelligent than myself. It wasn't a big difference, but even that was enough to cause some problems.

Oh Mulch, I see now that you were quoting and not asking for yourself. It wasn't clear.

With an iq of 75 what problems does the person have in everyday life? Or are they just a bit slower on the uptake so to speak? I’m genuinely interested. If you met the lower ability person would you automatically know that they were of a lower intelligence??

I’m going to ignore the numbers.

I once dated someone who was lovely but was it certainly came across as less intelligent than me.

I found it very awkward and struggled to find anything to talk about with him. We didn’t have any shared experiences (not everything I know) and I had to..sort of pre construct my sentences so that he would still follow the situation and I also had to explain things a lot.

He was very nice but I didn’t feel I could build my life with someone who wouldn’t understand or be able to talk about stuff like current affairs/politics or my (science related) job.

I feel this probably makes me a cow but fwiw- I’m still single and he is now happy and settled with a stunningly beautiful woman - far far more attractive than I will ever be.

I still wouldn’t change anything though. I’m happy. He’s happy. Life goes on.

Please excuse typos. I may have had a bit much gin..

No, sorry I wouldn't. Constantly having the intellectual upper hand would drive me batty. It would be more of a parent child relationship especially in arguments. Keep in mind that person could some day act in a caring capacity for you. It's a no from me.