Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

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Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

I think sense of humour compatibility is more important than anything, actually. Do they have that in common?

Gwenhwyfar It is at very different ends, yes. I didn't want to put the IQs initially because I wanted there to be a scale of difference without people being able to make judgements on the numbers. If that makes sense. I know how dimly IQ is viewed on here. Especially if people feel someone is 'bragging'.

Angelf1sh yes. I guess that is true. The negative comments were horrible. But fairly isolated. Others could hold the same opinion and just not have expressed them though. Not that that matters though... opinions being like arseholes and all...

Pananny that sounds very similar and familiar.

53rd not hypothetical but no concerns. I think the majority of people see two people who care about each other deeply and have happened upon each other, but who no one would have matched in a life time of opportunities, but who look out for each other. Some don't get it. Some think it's wrong. Friends of the more intelligent person have expressed some of the concerns expressed on here, but not judgement. Friends of the less intelligent person understandably regard them as vulnerable and don't want them to get hurt.

"Almost all the men I have dated over the years have had a lower IQ and pay than me and it has always eventually become a problem - usually when it comes to talking about children and me suggesting a stay-at-home-dad type scenario."

So your problem was that they didn't earn enough, not that they weren't intelligent enough. Plenty of high-earning jobs don't require extremely high IQ.
Seems your issue is about maintaining a certain standard of living, a stupid but rich heir would have been fine if that's what you wanted.

Could it work? Possibly.

Would I be happy in a relationship like that? Not on your nelly. For me, a big part of friendship/compatibility/spending time together is exchanging ideas, discussing opinions and engaging intellectually. If I was either party (the top 1 percenter or the person with a LD) I can't see that conversation would be that enjoyable, once it moved out of the most basic how-was-your-day stuff.

Also, I think it's important to have the same sense of humour as your partner. Is that the case in this pair?

Limited trainability. Have difficulty with everyday demands like using a phone book, reading bus or train schedules, banking, filling out forms, using appliances like a video recorder, microwave oven, or computer, et cetera, and therefore require assistance from relatives or social workers in the management of their affairs. Can be employed in simple tasks but require supervision.

Gosh no that's not accurate at all. I'm not all that confident the scores are accurate tbh!

paulcooijmans.com/intelligence/iq_ranges.html

Here’s the link.

He sounds like he’s more likely to be in the 90-99 category which is much more average.

True, but I once knew someone with a really high IQ, and I'm fairly sure that to him anyone with an IQ below 120 seemed 'low intelligence' - the difference between an IQ of 110 and 90 was lost on him

This is essentially the experience of the higher IQ person. And has been said before. Not in an arsey way, just as an observation.

Yes and it didn't work. I see intelligence less as IQ and more as how inquisitive and curious you are about learning about new things, having interests and areas of knowledge, being able to approach a situation and see it from someone else's perspective and not jump to a firm conclusion, not being judgmental. It's not correlated with higher education/degree attainment in my experience.

It didn't work. He seemed to have a massive chip on his shoulder about his perception I was 'smarter' and would make snide remarks about me being a 'clever clogs', and if I ever used a word he didn't understand (as part of my normal vocabulary, not to sound clever!) he'd get in a huff saying I was just trying to use 'big words' on purpose. It very quickly became apparent we weren't compatible.

My current partner is incredibly clever, far more intelligent than me, by any measuring tool he's exceptionally intelligent. But he thinks I'm intelligent too and as we're both open minded and inquisitive it really works, we end up teaching each other things from our own areas of knowledge and neither of us feel threatened if the other person knows something the other doesn't or used a word they're unfamiliar with. So it's lovely. Intelligence is very very sexy to me and a trait I want in a partner/the future father of my children.

When you're on wildly different pages intelligence wise it just becomes really cumbersome having to constantly explain things, conversations can be stilted if you don't bounce off one another, it's hard to get in the flow if you enjoy deep interesting discussions now and then. No doubt many people make it work. As I mentioned above the worst part in my experience was how resentful the guy was about my level of knowledge (which isn't particularly impressive!) and the big deal he had to make about it, lots of posturing about learning at the university of life and being defensive when he was never attacked. Just seemed so insecure which isn't appealing.

I think if their friends can all see the disparity, then there are likely issues.

Mostly you don't know people's IQs and many haven't been IQ tested (I haven't), so you don't have an idea if your friends or colleagues are with compatible people, you just kind of assume they are.

Does the high IQ person also have additional needs that make them vulnerable or have social issues in any way (e.g. Aspergers)?

I would feel uncomfortable about this- I have known a couple with significant disparities and it seemed like the more able person was patronizing the other one, almost doing them a 'good deed' by making a life with them, like taking on an older child rather than as equal partners. He was religious and I think it was motivated by that rather than a genuine and abiding love connection, but who am I to say?

I tried to date someone with a much lower iq once when I was in my teens. It drove me insane. If it works for you, that’s fine. I see from your last post the scores seem inaccurate.

"I'm fairly sure that to him anyone with an IQ below 120 seemed 'low intelligence' - the difference between an IQ of 110 and 90 was lost on him grin"

Yes, I can see that. I suppose the same works the other way around as well. I wouldn't expect a person with learning difficulties to be especially intimidated by a phd, for example because anything above GCSEs would count as very academic to them so I'm not sure about the claim someone made above that this person would feel 'belittled'. I think that would be more of an issue for someone who is intelligent, but still pretty average.

I think an ex was unhappy with me because I was less intelligent, but the difference between us was much less extreme than here. As if we could almost talk at the same level, but not quite. It became more obvious if he was with a friend of mine when I knew he was using words she wouldn't understand, but I wasn't sure whether to make him stop and explain or not.

I've had the problem at work with people of pretty similar intelligence to me, doing the same job, so if it's an issue between pretty similar people, I can't imagine what it would be like for this couple.

By experience (me but another friend had a similar experience), it doesn’t work in the long term.
Despite all the talk of ‘it doesn’t matter’, love is love and they just enjoy each other in their own ways, there is a point where you can’t just stay in a superficial conversation and you want to start ‘deeper’ talks.
Even if it’s just about deciding to move together or talking about what’s for dinner, the scope of misunderstanding is huge.

Let’s say you want to start talking about what for dinner. And one of the partners starts going in about nutritional values, balancing the diet, iimportance of having enough omega 3, not having any omega 6 etc etc. An the other is lost an osent even get why this will be important in the long run, you can easily see this is going. One person will try hard to set up a system where everyone is eating healthy whereas the other will sabotage it wo even realising, let along do it in purpose.

Or one person will talk about parenting the dcs and think about the influence of x and y, what they want to nurture in the child etc... and the other will just say ‘well it worked for me. Isn't that what people do anyway??’ Etc etc

The issue isn’t about the difference in intelligence as such. It’s an issue about being able to share values and common goals.

The IQ scores show a difference but in reality how much difference is there between you both?

Can you hold a conversation together do you have any shared interests?Do you get frustrated with him?

What sorts of things are people saying and can you cope with that if you choose to continue with the relationship.

What things do you like about the relationship what does he bring? what do you bring?

It's difficult to say if it was me I would .... as I am not nor will I ever be in that situation but i would like to think as long as both people were happy in the relationship and it wasn't causing any problems I would continue with it and see where it went.

Viva I don't think the 90-99 range would be right. But there is a condition present that would impact on some of this.

The scores stated above are self reported. But I did think the lower ones seemed too low and reflected performance on the test/s rather than absolute ability.

"Mostly you don't know people's IQs and many haven't been IQ tested (I haven't), so you don't have an idea if your friends or colleagues are with compatible people, you just kind of assume they are"

We don't know the actual number, and outside of the extremes, IQ doesn't tell you enough anyway, but we usually know how intelligent our acquaintances are just from interacting with them.

Measuring intelligence remains highly controversial. Giving someone a score for medical purposes is one thing, putting them 'into a box' as a way of gauging their suitability for an emotional committed relationship is poles apart.

My personal attitude is that I gravitate towards someone who is inquisitive and willing to learn. Someone who can talk about a topic that interests them with relative ease. Someone who has hobbies and interests. Someone who can balance work and life.

How long someone takes to figure stuff out (working memory), how many facts they can reel off (ST and LT memory) etc are not criteria I'd consider critical to a successful relationship.

You need to spend time with the person, you'll soon decide if they float your boat, or if they come across as unwilling to participate in conversations, and can't contribute to them with their opinions (because they haven't taken the trouble to form any).

Thank heavens for human intuition and chemistry - they do away with the need to measure people on an IQ scale, which is too mechanical and formulaic.

I know someone with profound dyslexia who cannot have a job with reading in it, and he's a very intelligent lovely chap with an equally lovely wife who does compensate to some extent by helping with forms etc but in a very minor way. He still works, self-employed. I don't think an instance like that would worry most people because the IQ score would be a product of the dyslexia and not a measure of IQ, and it is immediately clear on chatting to him that he's an intelligent person.

But if this were the case, why would the friends of the lower IQ person be concerned by his 'vulnerability'? The person I know is not vulnerable, and doesn't present as unintelligent either, you would only know he can't properly read if he told you.

Are you doing a Psychology Degree OP? You sound like you're preparing for a dissertation. Lighten up would be my advice

"Lighten up would be my advice smile"

So, nobody should think before they get themselves into a relationship?
If she was on here in a few years' time talking about a completely unsuitable partner that she can't leave everyone would be going "why did you get into this relationship in the first place?"

If friends of both people are expressing concerns I’d probably give that more weight than self-reported IQ scores, since they know the people and are seeing the dynamics of the relationship directly.

So it’s not you in the couple?

It all sounds an intense amount of scrutiny from others for two other people

I’m sure dating can work, whether it’s a long term prospect who knows, do they want a family?

You cannot measure an IQ of 161 on a standard educational IQ test such as the wechsler intelligence scales or British ability scales. What test was it?

That might be exaggerating the scale of difference between you.

75-80 is around 10th percentile or near. It's just below 1 standard deviation from mid point, whereas top 1 percent (135-140 odd plus on most assessments) is just above 2 standard deviations.

The assessment you were tested on must use a standard deviation of 25 whereas your partners must have had a standard deviation of 15.