Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

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Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

DH and I have different "intelligence" levels. We've both been to uni, but he is highly intelligent whereas I'd classed myself as average. His down time is watching documentaries and really out there stuff, whereas I love a bit of trash tv. We respect each other's differences and we both bring something unique to the relationship. "Intelligence" is only one aspect of the relationship, but I think there probably has to been some parity to discuss topics that are of interest to each other.

My BIL is a consultant surgeon but my Dsis is not "academically intelligent", but has a senior level job. They're perfectly matched in terms of emotional intelligence and outlook on life though.

"I feel this probably makes me a cow"

Why? Conversation is important.

No. I'm no genius, but I enjoy learning new things and stretching myself intellectually. Dh isn't as keen a learner, but he is sharp witted and we enjoy deep conversations together. Those conversations are our relationship bread and butter. I couldn't carry on without them.

I don’t know. Just that it feels wrong somehow to reject someone essentially for something they can’t help especially if they are a nice person.

storynanny I hope it didn't. 85 is low end of average and 80 within the margin of error.

This is why IQ scores are dangerous. You don't put 3 kids from every primary class into special school. That's 24 children removed from primary school across nursery to year 6. I doubt, I hope, that would ever have been typical. An IQ of 80 is not Forrest Gump or very very low. You can be a completely functional member of society at that level.

Agree with @oldbirdy, the figures being quoted don't make any sense according to standard UK psychometric assessments of IQ. They don't go anywhere up as high as 161 and the SDs don't add up.

Education wise, someone can achieve a 1st class degree with an 'average' level of intelligence (putting aside the controversy of what we even mean by intelligence). Likewise, someone can have learning or behavioural issues at school and it does not mean they are 'unintelligent'.

There will be loads of examples of couples where there are differences in intelligence, just as there are in physical abilities, rating of perceived attractiveness, etc. They all work fine because people vary in all different aspects of things and prioritise different qualities.

In the nicest possible way, who cares at the end of the day, if the people involved are happy, why are people trying to label and pick this apart?

Also not sure how Good Will Hunting illustrates the point as Will is supposedly a 'genius' and despite poor SE and educational background, is far more academically able than his medical student gf. It's a good film for illustrating the healing power of compassion though! ;)

Personally I wouldn't want to be with anyone who wasn't a similar level of intelligence to me.

"There will be loads of examples of couples where there are differences in intelligence, just as there are in physical abilities, rating of perceived attractiveness, etc. They all work fine"

Well, no, they don't all work fine. That's the point.

"Just that it feels wrong somehow to reject someone essentially for something they can’t help especially if they are a nice person."

People are rejected for things they can't help all the time. Looks, height, incompatibility of personality, interests, values, etc.

Agree with @oldbirdy, the figures being quoted don't make any sense according to standard UK psychometric assessments of IQ. They don't go anywhere up as high as 161 and the SDs don't add up.

I have quoted one person who said their IQ was tested twice. Once at 75 and once at 80. These were conducted approx 3 years ago.

I have seen the paperwork from the other that states it was 161. This was done approx 25 years ago. And there is nothing to suggest that that person would even score that again now. After all it was a performance on one test on one day...

Undoubtedly different tests.

The exact figures aren't really the important bit. Which is why I didn't quote them initially. Largely because they vary and aren't comparable across different tests. And because there are reasons to doubt the exactness of at least one of the results.

Tbh, I'm not hugely into IQ testing! My knowledge was that the sd was 15. Some people have said different tests have different sds. Fair enough. That makes sense.

The relevant bit is that there is a very obvious difference in intelligence. It is noticeable.

This wasn't really intended to invite discussion about IQ testing and reliability etc per se, although I know they are a consideration, but even without these tests/results, it would be obvious from spending time with these two people that one is more intellectually intelligent than the other.

Gwen this relationship appears to work fine, however, except for the brighter partner's apparent worry that the "tested gap" between them is too large. Those of us who work with IQ tests a) think that high score is exaggerated or non standard as you can't test that high on standard psychometrics and b) have pointed out that IQ testing anxious autistic people can lead to serious underassessment and c) that an IQ of 80 is hardly unusual, neither does it indicate a person who could not function without help in daily life.

That link posted early on in the thread, I don't recognise those scores at all and I find their descriptions of people pernicious. You cannot I test a person with an IQ of 20 and neither can you get an IQ test result of 180. If you want actually used descriptors you need to look up British Ability Scales or Wechsler Scales.

"Gwen this relationship appears to work fine"

We don't really know that.

"except for the brighter partner's apparent worry that the "tested gap" between them is too large."

And other people's worry that the less bright partner is somehow vulnerable.

You then go on about the tests and the OP has said she didn't want a detailed discussion on the validity of IQ tests.

I tried to make something like this work years ago. The final death knell was when I realised he couldn't spell his own name. At the age of 20 he thought his name was something like Andraw rather than Andrew, for example (not actual name!)

Lovely bloke and I hope he's happy but we were on borrowed time once the initial honeymoon period wore off.

Dp now is definitely more intellectual than me but I'm probably more socially well rounded. We both like to spark off each other humour wise - I personally think similar humour can often be linked to similar intelligence. That's something I'd struggle to compromise on as is a broad outlook and desire to learn and to travel.

Ultimately if you're happy together, that really is most important though.

I dated a man much more intelligent than I am (he succeeds so easily) but in the end, I decided that for all of his qualifications, theologies, ideologies and philosophies (that I'd idealised what he brought to the universe was a person who picked from these philosophies to rationalise his own selfishness. So, much more intelligent but mired in cognitive dissonance. Maybe his intellectual equal would have spotted that sooner so our relationship survived because he was more intelligent. And ended because I caught up. So that proves nothing

Education wise, someone can achieve a 1st class degree with an 'average' level of intelligence (putting aside the controversy of what we even mean by intelligence) Not in my department they don't. Every year I have a few (mainly women) crying in my office because whatever they do, and however hard they try, they can't get a first. A first rewards precisely what you can't teach, even with a huge amount of input, which is originality, a spark of creativity and the ability to synthesize across sources. It's very unlikely that someone of average intelligence would get a first across all their different type of modules.

That doesn't mean people with firsts are all fantastically intelligent, but there is some relationship between intelligence and academic ability, even if that clearly isn't the whole of the story.

And yes, there are some really intelligent people with PhDs who struggle with everyday life, but the ones I know all hold down jobs, have families, have relationships and struggle, well, about as much as people without PhDs. I sometimes think people delight in very clever people doing a silly thing, so they can go 'ah ha, see, they aren't that clever at all', whereas not so clever people do silly things sometimes quite a lot but it's not interesting to point that out.

The high score isn't exaggerated. I have seen it. But I accept it could be a test tha tis not wodely used. It states that it puts the person in top 1%. That's all I know.

Gwen the reason I went on about IQ tests when the OP mentioned in the post above that she did not want such a discussion is because we cross posted.

But thanks for the telling off. Always helps.

Oldbirdy, yes it was common in the 70's for this to happen although fortunately there was also quite a lot of return to mainstream at secondary level with many success stories.

All of my 'relationships' dating experience and what not have been with people of different intellectual capacity. Most didn't advance past a handful of dates. Particularly memorable is one chap-who in all fairness was nice enough but not above average intellectually compounded by an educational disadvantage. He did very well for himself-completely self made but he was rather insecure. He became convinced that I used 'flowery' language in an attempt to make him feel ignorant (I freely admit that my vocabulary, while no broader that the average person's, is quite dated so I often use some words that aren't in common use, I try not to do it but I am only aware of it when people point it out). By and large though the problems stemmed from a lack of shared interests/experience (I am a bitbookish so don't have as much experience/knowledge on things like sports, partying etc). I didn't mind-I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself but even so it isn't didn't work.

The only person I have dated cleverer than me was my husband (poor man is very clever so it's slim pickings at his end of the intellectual spectrum)- as you can imagine I was thrilled that he settled for me. I exaggerate of course, we compliment each other nicely, similar characters, similar life experience etc. However, while I am smart enough to follow his train of thought and we are able to hold conversations without issue, have shared interests etc. I am rarely in a position to say/contribute anything that he hasn't already thought of. It's safe to say that he didn't marry me for my intellectual prowess. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, especially now that we have children, he gets little opportunity for intellectually satisfying social interactions but then again he doesn't seem to need it, only stupid people get bored afterall. He has his books that he is writing and reading and what not as do I and when it comes to our day to day interaction I am not too slow to keep pace with him so he doesn't get frustrated (which I would imagine is the greatest concern for the smarter party).

I think that ultimately what matters most is that both people are kind and respectful and they they have common ground of some sort. Provided that the less able party doesn't feel intimidated and the more intelligent doesn't get frustrated I don't think that a disparity of intellect is an issue.

OP, does it seem that the person with the lower IQ has their own doubts or concerns about the long term potential of the relationship? Are they introspective in this way / is it a topic that can be discussed?

I find a relationship like the one you describe difficult to imagine, but that doesn't mean I think it is impossible.

I was in such a relationship once. That's why it ended...but I have to say he'd doing alright for himself now.

The older and wiser me ...may not have ended the relationship ....because he really loved me....he treated me well and did a lot of nice thoughtful things for me.

I've never done an IQ test but thinking of myself as intelligent is a big part of my identity. I don't think I'd be able to admit a partner was more intelligent than me. Having said that, I'm so deluded confident that even if it was obviously not true, eg a Nobel prize winning physicist, I would still think of myself as on their level.

I don't mind people being less intelligent. Obviously you need to hold conversations without thinking they are stupid but intelligence is of limited use in relationships. To really use intelligence, you need to get into the nitty gritty of subjects and you can only do that if your interests match up. That stuff doesn't come up over dinner or in front of the TV.

I wouldn't expect to talk about my interests to a partner because I have been thinking about them for years so no matter how intelligent they are, they are not going to be on my level if they haven't studied the subject in depth.

I can only offer up my experience (ongoing) which is that, as sad as it is, I wouldn't recommend it, and wouldn't do it again.

I'm top 1% (official test, done under exam conditions etc), but with social communication difficulties. DH has never been formally tested, but is probably smack in the middle of average intellectually, but with social skills I can only dream of.

I love him, but our relationship has basically been one long struggle not to take too much control, over-argue against him, etc. because he ends up feeling browbeaten and patronised, and I hate myself for making him feel that way.

But the alternative is torturously grim also, and basically involves watching him stumble from one stupid (sorry) decision to the next, constantly messing up his life (and mine) and bemoaning it after the fact. Trying to talk reasonably with him beforehand just doesn't work, because he really doesn't grasp what I'm explaining to him, and obviously won't just do what he's told (I don't want this either!!!) without understanding and agreement.

It's awful. I found my love for him slowly dripping away and morphing into some sort of protective/maternal love. But that has absolutely killed the desire for physical intimacy, and there's the added frustration of knowing I can't share my thought processes with him... not just in this, but most things.

I was truly the stupid one. I thought love was enough and it would be 'snobby' to let perceived intelligence come between us. I don't think it's any barrier to friendship, but to intimacy... yes. It's very lonely.

EQ trumps IQ everytime.

Having just read all your posts on this thread, op, you seem to describe two people who have found a relationship where both complement each other in ways that are valued. My son has Aspergers and would get a very high IQ score, but far more values being around those that support him socially and make him feel safe, me, as his mum being one of those....and I score just over 100 as far as I recall...So, it seems to me that the emotional intelligence in a relationship is always far more important. I have experienced this in my own relationships also. In addition, it's good to remind ourselves that no one relationship meets all if our needs ...and that's what friends with different qualities are for.