Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

[ASensitiveSubject]

Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

Not another Harry and Meghan thread! Egads!

I call a spade a spade

You're going to have to explain that comment.

No need to play dumb

"it's good to remind ourselves that no one relationship meets all if our needs ...and that's what friends with different qualities are for."

I don't think this is a good basis for starting a relationship. If your partner moves, you move with them and have to start again with friendships. Of course, your partner can't fulfil ever need, but the need for conversation is a priority for most people.

What the ? Munch. I am not playing dumb but you seem to be. If you are accusing me of being a racist, a look back at my comments here on mumsnet will tell you exactly what I think about racism. There are a lot of threads about Harry and Meghan right now obsessing over them and criticizing them, as this thread is over two people in love and criticizing the relationship, with that similarity I made a joke. There was not even an inkling of racism in my comment or in my mind when I made the comment. I despise racists. Besides not liking her outfit the other day, all my other comments on the other M & H threads are very supportive of her. I wasn’t even assigning anybody to either side of the intelligence debate in what I said, if anything I was thinking of Megan’s mother posting this and it is Harry I would consider much less intelligent, as he dressed himself all up (down) in a Nazi uniform to a party, oblivious to the significance or maybe not oblivious and did it on purpose as Princess Michael wearing that awful brooch. Now those two things are racist and dumb and emotionally and academically, since they were both seemingly oblivious to the history, LOW on the intelligence meter.

So are Harry and Meghan the two mystery people with wildly different IQs

I'm totally baffled by the comments, otherwise.

To op not you I've no idea what your on about

Oh. It might help Mulch if you would put the name of who you’re talking to in your post. As your comment was right after mine, and no one had posted for a while before that, and op hadn’t posted in a while, I thought you were referring to me so I was baffled too

What comment did op make that you were referring to?

I said I didn't understand what she meant by "I call a spade a spade" and asked her to explain.

But she chose not to and came back with another meaningless comment.

And I still don't know what she meant.

I can't really put this any other way than bluntly but I used to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't as intelligent as me (that sounds really horrible!!). Think top set at school vs bottom set at school, that's the sort of disparity. I got really frustrated at the lack of interest in anything other than superficial events or being able to discuss things in an intellectual way, for example politics or scientific breakthroughs. Does that make sense? The relationship didn't last long.

My DH and I are completely different in terms of areas of interest, other than one or two things, but we can have in depth, intelligent conversations about all manner of current affairs, and are able to help our children with their homework and explain things to them when they ask things.

I was in the bottom stream at school and often feel more intelligent than friends from school who were in higher streams. One never seems to question anything. She was good at memorising facts though and now uses that skill to memorise what her husband thinks as far as I can see. Other top stream friends have not expanded on a specialty since their degree 20 odd years ago. So it might surprise you or amuse you nobodyknowsTiddlypom that a bottom stream person can also feel that they are more intelligent when they are in a friendship. Or a relationship. My x had qualifications galore but no social skills and no ability to debate for example.

Not sure the reference earlier to the film Good Will Hunting is strictly relevant! The genius in that film is dating a chemistry student from M.I.T, one of the top US universities, so not exactly a thickie! Excellent film though!

What is the point of this thread?

As the OP isn't either of the people, she won't have the full knowledge of the dynamic between them and how everything else other than IQ is matched or not, and his relevant that is.

If you are a concerned parent, OP, I understand your post. Otherwise - it's just curious chit chat without enough knowledge to give it any worth - beyond chit chat on a forum.

Mismatched IQ relationships: some will work, some won't. HRH.

I find the slightly cloak and dagger third person reference irritating.

*HTH!

The only issue I can see here is if the less intelligent half feels inadequate in anyway. If you both treat each other with respect and are happy then no issues for me.

Emotional intelligence however.... A different kettle of fish. I was married to what can only be described as an emotional slug of a husband who was selfish and self serving beyond belief. All because he never had, never could and never would think about anyone's needs but his own. Not a stupid man but emotionally completely dead.

You can guess how this ended. He was so unaware of anyone else that the divorce paper completely took him.by surprise.

i sometimes do IQ tests just because I find them fun. In an average day I score between 130-135, in a secondary language about 100 to 120 depending on how often I use that perticular language, and if I run through the test and leave some questions unanswered but finish fast, I can get up to 155.

There are many things that affect your speed of reasoning (language comprehension being one if decoding problems are present), you get bonus for speed in electronic tests, even if you really shouldn’t.

But back to the question. I don’t think it can work, they both have the potential to asphyxiate each other. It is not necessarily the case that the most intelligent person will look down on the other one, I think that most highly intelligent people can recall a time when they had to hide their intelligence in order to gain acceptance, fit in or avoid bullying.

OP hasn't said whether she is one of the couple or not, but did say that this is the "the position I have", which suggests that she could be. Maybe the third person is because she is afraid of getting flamed for intellectual snobbery, and hopes that she might get more constructive answers by making it more vague.

My ex probably does very well on IQ tests; better than me, I would imagine. But he has really poor social abilities; blurts out nonsense to fill gaps in conversation and thus ends up dominating the conversation to the point of dullness, cannot read between the lines (claimed I was making it up if I brought it up later), repeats anecdotes everyone has heard dozens of times, talks about subjects that half the group know nothing about without trying to involve them, and lectures people without considering that they actually know more about the subject than him. So it is not as if he is involved in intellectually sparkling conversation and his partner looks a fool.

And although my ex is intelligent, he does not have especially intellectual interests. I think that could cause difficulties, if one person wants to go to a lecture about the government's economic strategy and the other wants to watch Britain's Got Talent.

Fish
it feels wrong somehow to reject someone essentially for something they can’t help especially if they are a nice person

There are bilions of nice people out there. Might as well be with one that you have something in common with. It's not "rejecting" people if you prefer someone born in a certain decade, with a certain shade of hair, of a certain sex, etc. All things they can't help. (I think I only really "got" this from online dating, where you have a huge number of potential suitors and "rejecters" all at once, and it is all the more obvious that you can't accept them all, so if they don't want you, it is not a "rejection", but the simple logistical fact that you are not going to be everyone's cup of tea.)

@ravenmum the OP writes in an ambiguous way that sometimes she might be the higher IQ person and sometimes not part of the couple.

I find the vagueness distracting and ultimately I think it's better to be more specific about the actual issues that have arisen, or she fears might do.

Otherwise, the discussion just comes down to - can it work? Maybe, maybe not.

OP mentions curiosity and interest in new things.

I'm more 'academic' intelligent than my fiancé - though not to multiple SDs

In fact, he'd say "SD? What are you on about?"

But when we went on holiday to Portugal he was as interested in visiting the local museum to know a bit about the history of the place as he was to lie on the beach.

I would not be happy with someone who could a Portuguese beach for a Spanish or Greek or Turkish one and have zero curiosity about the history of the place, or what was new. It's not about intellectually rigorous debate for me - it's about being with someone who says "I've never had Portuguese food - let's try it!"

I can forgo a discussion on the impact of colonisation on cuisine, and it never leading on to a discussion of how much countries should pay reparations. But I can't forgo an interest in new things. Actually - in that example, I can forgo having a lengthy detailed informed debate on empire... but I couldn't forgo a partner being interested enough to listen to me give an opinion and share his - even if his opinion wasn't well researched!

I'm another one who's skeptical about IQ tests but there is no denying that some people are really just a bit thick.

My BIL is a case in point - he left school at 16 and has had no formal education since then. He doesn't read - not even a magazine. He doesn't watch documentaries or the news on telly, just soaps and stuff with Ant & Dec. He doesn't travel. He doesn't have any curiosity whatsoever about the world around him, never leaves the town he was born and grew up in. He is hugely ignorant on many levels.

However kind and creative he might be, I could never be with someone who isn't up for learning new things and being interested in the world they live in.

Otherwise, the discussion just comes down to - can it work? Maybe, maybe not
True. But it would be just as unhelpful if it became all about whether the OP was bragging, as she suggested has happened previously.

I'm interested in the subject as I have a degree but am not from an academic background at all and am not good at intellectual debate. I also live in Germany, where having a degree means you have a high level of general education in all main subjects. So I often feel like the stupid one. Like your partner, @Ellisandra, I'm interested in museums, culture, etc. but always as a learner who can't really contribute much to conversation. Or at least that's my impression as a not hugely confident person. My current boyfriend can argue really well about politics; that is his thing. When I hear him talking to friends who are equally into politics I feel a bit inadequate. I can ask intelligent questions, but I don't have enough basic knowledge to develop a real interest of the kind you have when you can join in actively. He would never make me feel bad about it, but I can't help thinking that he could really do with an equal partner; it would be more fun for him.

raven your issue has nothing to do with intelligence.
More about knowledge (it’s much harder to have a knowledgeable discussion about politics in Germany if it’s not your home country, been if you are very well versed in what is happening nowdays) and self confidence.

Fwiw I think in the uk, actually having an Intellectual debate isn’t something that is taught at school. Nor is it something that is valued.
If you have neve learnt to debate, it’s much harder to be able to part of it.

"Fwiw I think in the uk, actually having an Intellectual debate isn’t something that is taught at school. Nor is it something that is valued.
If you have neve learnt to debate, it’s much harder to be able to part of it."

There is also an anti-intellectual culture that you don't get in other countries. When I lived abroad people would talk freely and those that couldn't contribute much would listen and go and google afterwards. Here, the conversation seems to always drop to the lowest level as it's considered rude to talk about serious things if some people can't understand. You get a lot of conversations about celebrities by people who are 'playing a part' of being someone interested in tabloidy things and being a completely different person with their real friends.

from what I've seen in my family, the brilliant people (brother, niece) are often struggle miserably in other ways.
However, both have partners with similar education, recreation.

Personally I think choosing to ignore the vast difference in intellect in this situation will not end well.
In my case I agreee completely with PP above:

^But the alternative is torturously grim also, and basically involves watching him stumble from one stupid (sorry) decision to the next, constantly messing up his life (and mine) and bemoaning it after the fact. Trying to talk reasonably with him beforehand just doesn't work, because he really doesn't grasp what I'm explaining to him, and obviously won't just do what he's told (I don't want this either!!!) without understanding and agreement.

It's awful. I found my love for him slowly dripping away and morphing into some sort of protective/maternal love. But that has absolutely killed the desire for physical intimacy, and there's the added frustration of knowing I can't share my thought processes with him... not just in this, but most things^

what does happen at the beginning of a new relationship is that both parties will take down off the metaphorical shelf something that is merely one aspect of their personality because they know it appeals or resonates with their new 'beau', they blow the dust off it and open it and re-read it as though it were a bigger part of their personality than it really is on a day to day basis. I've done that without meaning to in the past so I don't do it now. It's harder to spot in somebody else though, especially when they haven't figured out that they're doing it!

I'm not intelligent at all (very average IQ) but I could gen up on any reasonable subject that enthused a partner in order be able to listen better and possibly contribute. I think I use my average intelligence better than some people who have more. But I suppose I would think that!