Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

[ASensitiveSubject]

Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

what does happen at the beginning of a new relationship is that both parties will take down off the metaphorical shelf something that is merely one aspect of their personality because they know it appeals or resonates with their new 'beau', they blow the dust off it and open it and re-read it as though it were a bigger part of their personality than it really is on a day to day basis

I'm not sure how relevant that would be in an ASC relationship though. That sounds an awful lot like the 'social dance' that NTs engage in and passes many of those with ASCs by. However, their similar interests are things you can't fake or embelish - in the way that would be the case if they both played musical instruments to a fairly high standard and shared that.

I am sorry for the ambiguity. I don't want to say what my involvement/relationship is, largely because I didn't want the responses to be to that or from that perspective. I know it can make it hard to reply and I know it's frustrating; I've been here a long time!

But it has been really helpful to read people's experiences/insights into this and I appreciate them. They've been, in the main, very helpful despite my ambiguity.

But the alternative is torturously grim also, and basically involves watching him stumble from one stupid (sorry) decision to the next, constantly messing up his life (and mine) and bemoaning it after the fact. Trying to talk reasonably with him beforehand just doesn't work, because he really doesn't grasp what I'm explaining to him, and obviously won't just do what he's told (I don't want this either!!!) without understanding and agreement.

It's awful. I found my love for him slowly dripping away and morphing into some sort of protective/maternal love. But that has absolutely killed the desire for physical intimacy, and there's the added frustration of knowing I can't share my thought processes with him... not just in this, but most things

This is, essentially, my greatest concern.

On a day to day basis, they appear to be very compatible, although no one would deny that, on paper, they wouldn't appear to be a match. But they just seem to work e.g. Person A needs longer to process things and sometimes needs clarification, Person B gives it. Person B is quite emotionally closed off and the Person A has given them the confidence and 'space' to be able to make themselves vulernable and let someone in.

They have both had difficult relationship histories. One because they are kind, open and trusting and haven't really understood that the other person didn't have their best interests at heart until it was too late; the other because they have found it difficult to make a relationship work with someone of a similar intelligence - there are certain assumptions/expectations that just aren't fulfilled because of the ASC.

A long time ago now, I got involved with a very nice man, older than me, who had no school qualifications at all. He had always worked in low paid jobs, lived in London and had never learned to drive. He made me laugh at first, we had fun together and he was very kind.

But it wasn't enough. He couldn't cope with any kind of conversation that was intellectually challenging (I have 2 degrees so I'm quite intellectual in my outlook). He used to turn everything into a joke, and, to put it bluntly, he bored me after the first 3 months. So I ended up finishing with him by letter, because he couldn't cope with any kind of serious conversation face to face.

We were incompatible basically. He remained a good friend, but we wouldn't have worked as a couple.

I don't know what his IQ is, I admit, but there was a clear difference on an intellectual level.