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Original poster

Dating someone of a different intelligence level.

202 replies

ASensitiveSubject · 26/12/2017 14:51

Does anyone have any experience of dating someone with a very different intelligence level to themselves?

I know there are different intelligences, but what I'm specifically talking about it intellectual intelligence. I'm going to use knowledge of respective IQs here. I know that IQ tests are a measure of ability to perform on an IQ test and, on here, they are largely (rightly) derided. But as they are, at least, a blunt tool, it'll have to do. In this case, the disparity appears very much a reflection of language and verbal reasoning and, probably, retention and processing speed too.

I'm talking of a difference of around 4 standard deviations. Where you just wouldn't put two people together at all, but where kindness, emotional intelligence, curiosity about the world and desire to learn, shared interests (e.g. creative pursuits, ways to spend free time) are compatible just at a different level.

The person with the lower IQ isn't 'stupid', just slower in processing and understanding sometimes.

Does this make sense?

OP posts:
MerrierAndMerrier · 26/12/2017 15:21

Well IQ is not the be all and end all but that is quite a difference. I could imagine it leaving one with the lower IQ quite vulnerable.

BenLui · 26/12/2017 15:22

That’s a big difference Sensitive.

Original poster
ASensitiveSubject · 26/12/2017 15:22

Basically IQs of 161 and 75/80

Average IQ is 100. Average range is 85-115. So the higher IQ is the one that is further away from the average. about 2/3 of people fall into that average range.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASensitiveSubject · 26/12/2017 15:23

Yeah, it is, Ben. I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASensitiveSubject · 26/12/2017 15:24

I could imagine it leaving one with the lower IQ quite vulnerable

Yes. I think there's have to be mindfulness of this.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 26/12/2017 15:24

Why are you asking other people though? Do you think the relationship has legs? I’m guessing not or you wouldn’t be here. I don’t really understand why you can’t just take it as it comes.

Original poster
ASensitiveSubject · 26/12/2017 15:25

I think there's have to be mindfulness of this Confused

I think I meant to say, there would need to be a mindfulness of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASensitiveSubject · 26/12/2017 15:28

Why am I asking other people?

I guess I just wanted to know what people's gut reaction to it was. I think it does have legs. Both people are vulnerable in their own ways. And seem to be able to 'meet' each other's needs in that respect. Both seem to be a good fit, I think.

But negative comments have been made.

OP posts:
juneau · 26/12/2017 15:29

So you're talking a difference of around 60 IQ points between the two partners - yes? I can't see how this would work. One a genius and the other learning disabled? I just can't see how the two would be attracted and surely the genius would find the lack of intelligence in the other utterly frustrating, while the lower IQ person might feel inadequate and belittled.

53rdWay · 26/12/2017 15:33

Are you one of these people, or is this a couple that you know and have concerns about? Or an entirely hypothetical question?

PanannyPanoo · 26/12/2017 15:35

I think the kindness, emotional intelligence and shared interests are the most important to me. I have had relationships and have close friendships with people with a wide range of intellectual ability. It hasn't impacted at all on the way I feel about them or the longevity of the relationship. My husband is a scientist. I am not! He watches programmes that are of no interest to me. I read or do other things. Just as I pursue my creative hobbies while he does other things.
I am reasonable academic. I have close friends who have no qualifications at all.
I dont think there is any bearing on our friendships.

Maybe just see where this leads.

If my husband had wanted someone to have involved scientific discussions with our relationship wouldn't have survived. Other qualities were more important to us.

Angelf1sh · 26/12/2017 15:36

But who cares if negative comments have been made? If the couple is happy then that’s all that matters

Gwenhwyfar · 26/12/2017 15:37

"Basically IQs of 161 and 75/80 (tested twice)."

That really is at opposite ends. I didn't understand what 'four standard deviations' meant, but I understand those IQ figures. I've seen problems with people with smaller differences than those.

OuaisMaisBon · 26/12/2017 15:39

If you need to pose the question, does that not create an issue in and of itself?

PanannyPanoo · 26/12/2017 15:39

I also have a very intelligent friend who has a dyslexic husband. He has far more common sense than my Scatty friend. He spent his childhood at a special school thinking he was stupid. I would hope that if he was in the education system now rather than 30 years ago there would have been far more support and he would have felt much more capable. However, his Iq would have been tested as very low as he would not have been able to decipher the questions.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/12/2017 15:39

" it doesn't seem to be as much of an issue if the man is the intelligent, higher earner and the woman is the less intelligent trophy wife."

I don't really agree with that. Traditionally men 'married down' with women who were in a lower job e.g. manager and secretary, doctor and nurse, but opportunities were fewer for women in those days so they may well have been their equals in intelligence, just not in social standing. Also, those types of matches tend to be rarer these days with doctors marrying other doctors, for example.

MirriVan · 26/12/2017 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/12/2017 15:41

"If my husband had wanted someone to have involved scientific discussions with our relationship wouldn't have survived. Other qualities were more important to us."

Yes, but maybe he can at least speak to you about issues in the news. This wouldn't be possible for OP and her boyfriend without a lot of explanation on her part.

Lweji · 26/12/2017 15:41

I suppose it depends on the types of people and their personalities, but, ultimately, it will be hard. The one with the higher IQ can get frustrated, and the one with the lower IQ feel that they're lacking somehow.

It's easier to have friends at different levels of intelligence, but harder with partners. Sadly, from experience.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/12/2017 15:42

"The person with an IQ of 160 is going to be limited in partners if they want someone with a similar or higher IQ."

Well, yes, but this is the extreme opposite.

Thetreesareallgone · 26/12/2017 15:43

This wouldn't be for me at all, as I am (was) looking for an intellectual 'soulmate', so that I can be myself and not have to pretend/change myself that much. I have dated men who on paper would seem clever (e.g. were doing good degree) but in reality weren't that quick, so quickness and being extremely engaged with the world are things I'm looking for and wouldn't be likely to find in someone with an IQ of 80 odd. That's not to say I couldn't enjoy their company, but it wouldn't be the meeting of minds I was looking for.

Fanciedachange17 · 26/12/2017 15:45

I know a couple like this although the variations of intelligence are less extreme. The dispassionate observers can clearly speculate on the early demise of this relationship. Two nice people but not a marriage you might arrange. Totally in lust with each other and about to break up with each of their respective partners to be together, marry and have children.
Life is not a Disney script. Try mixing a little Dicken's realism in there for your long term happiness outlook. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear.

NewLove · 26/12/2017 15:47

I suppose it depends on the direction. I have always struggled as I have an IQ of 172 and am a high earner. Almost all the men I have dated over the years have had a lower IQ and pay than me and it has always eventually become a problem - usually when it comes to talking about children and me suggesting a stay-at-home-dad type scenario. As the main breadwinner, my exes could not have afforded to have maintained the household if I gave up work. As it is I'm now 40 and child free. If I had been more 'selective' and met someone with similar earning potential children would probably have been affordable. Alternatively I could have quit work, sold up and moved into a 2up 2 down - but I didn't go to uni for 7 years and work my way up the career ladder to downsize my life.

So overall I'd say it does matter...

VivaLeBeaver · 26/12/2017 15:48

75 is low. Are you sure that’s accurate? You say he’s in a skilled job. When you google iq of 75 this is what it says;

Limited trainability. Have difficulty with everyday demands like using a phone book, reading bus or train schedules, banking, filling out forms, using appliances like a video recorder, microwave oven, or computer, et cetera, and therefore require assistance from relatives or social workers in the management of their affairs. Can be employed in simple tasks but require supervision.

Does that sound accurate? It seems unlikely someone could be in a skilled role if that low an IQ.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 26/12/2017 15:49

I was with someone a lot less intelligent than me. It really was a problem after the honeymoon period wore off and we struggled to make conversation. I turned to my friends for conversation, which made him feel shut out and lonely.

Maybe if we'd had hobbies in common, it wouldn't have been a problem? I don't know.