Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost my family

363 replies

Lilsquish · 20/12/2017 16:32

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilsquish · 20/12/2017 16:33

Sorry for the massive screed of text. I did have paragraphs in it, but theyve not shown up.

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 20/12/2017 16:38

IMO you have done the right thing choosing to put your own child first.
What you now have to do is grieve for the family you have lost.
In time things may change but for now you will have to accept the situation which is undoubtedly hard.
Flowers

Original poster
Lilsquish · 20/12/2017 16:52

I suopose i just dont know how to get passed it all. Before all this i had a relativley close relationship with my sister and parents. We used to go on holiday together and saw each other weekly.

I was so looking forward to our kids being close. Now iv not seen my nephew for 6 months and my parents havent seen my daughter for 5 months. It feels like a knife to my heart whenever i think about how things should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilsquish · 20/12/2017 21:10

Has anyone been in a similar position?

OP posts:
Tumbleweeds24 · 20/12/2017 22:41

Can't relate personally but think it's majorly shitty of your parents to cut you off on the basis you don't want your baby around people who may well hurt her.

One of them is clearly responsible for their sons injuries, so you and your husband are well within your rights to not want your own baby around them. Why your parents can't see your rationale is beyond me.

I'm sorry you've been shut out x

Behindtheyellowline · 20/12/2017 22:55

I feel you have done the right thing to protect your own daughter. It’s sad that your parents haven’t supported your decision but it sounds that you have a very supportive partner. Just keeping thinking of your 7 weeks nephew with the broken ribs and how much pain he must have been into poor thing. What a monster to have done that to him.

TalkinBoutWhat · 20/12/2017 23:02

The way you are protecting your daughter, is the way your parents are protecting their daughter who needs it. Sadly, they seem to have forgotten they have another daughter who they have a duty to protect and to love, I'm so sorry Flowers.

Treasure your lovely family that you do have, and remember that your OH clearly is trying to do everything to protect you and your DD.

SandyY2K · 20/12/2017 23:13

Could you not have let them see your daughter while you were present?

SandyY2K · 20/12/2017 23:14

By them ... I mean your mum and your sister.

mindutopia · 20/12/2017 23:19

So sorry you’re going through this. It’s really painful but it sounds like you’ve made the right decision and it does get easier with time.

We are in a similar position. My step-FIL (who MIL recently married, not involved in my dh’s life growing up) is a convicted paedophile (served time in prison for sexually abusing a child in his own family). Because of this, he has no contact with our children. we only found out several years later after MIL knowingly facilitated his access to our dd (she’s fine, no abuse, no significant periods of unsupervised contact as she was still very little). We’ve cut contact with him (obviously), but MIL has chosen to cut her grandchildren out of her life because apparently we’re being unreasonable and it’s all some sort of government conspiracy anyway (yes, really).

It’s been awful. I have no respect left for her anyway and hate her to the point of wishing horrible things upon her. But I don’t think she herself poses a risk of abuse and we wanted to at least maintain supervised contact for her. Unfortunately it’s really typical (so I’ve learned) for families to cope by rallying around the abuser and shutting out anyone who attempts to question the narrative everyone has bought into about their innocence. It’s been incredibly stressful and painful. More so for my dh as it’s his family and he never expected anything like this would ever have happened to them. I vacillate between being hurt and being really, really angry. Our kids are innocent in all of this, but they are the ones who are suffering because of it (the family’s actions, I mean, obviously there was a child and another family directly harmed by him, which is separate to all of this). We’ve been blamed and had awful things said about us and made into outcasts. Many in the extended family do understand and support us, but no one is actually willing to speak up about it and confront them as everyone just wants to keep the peace and pretend it hasn’t happened.

Don’t know if that’s much consolation. It does get easier with time (it’s been over a year for us). I know we are doing the right thing and protecting our dc and there is no other choice in this situation. We couldn’t just allow an abuser to be in their lives. Mostly I just hope they’ll think we made the right decision one day when they are old enough to hear the whole story. I really believe they will and I take some comfort in that. It still sucks though.

mindutopia · 20/12/2017 23:27

I should also add I think it’s extra awful to be the one stuck in the middle as you are. My dh loves his family even though he is hurt and confused by their behaviour. He was pretty much in a position where he had to choose between them and us. I gave him an ultimatum that either his step-father has no contact with our children and his mum contact only under supervision and specific conditions we put in place to prevent her facilitating abuse, or I would walk and take the kids with me. I was serious. I love my dh. We have a wonderful marriage. But if I had to choose between him or my children, my children come first. He understood and agreed he would do the same in my situation, so he has supported me through all of this. But it’s bloody hard. His mental health has really suffered and the past year has been incredibly difficult for both of us, especially him being caught in the middle, obviously wanting to protect us but also feeling very sad for his mum, who is being manipulated and controlled by her partner.

MimsyFluff · 20/12/2017 23:47

You didn't chose your OH you chose your child's safety. Your DH is right NC with you sister or BIL

We are NC with DH family other than BIL involving our DC and my safety. You need to read up the tactics they'll go to to get back in contact when they calmed down. You need to back up your DH I nearly left DH over his family and I gave him the choice MN agreed with me me or them

Aminuts23 · 20/12/2017 23:58

Have they not had the family court trial yet where they try to identify the perpetrator?

MrsDilber · 21/12/2017 00:06

You did the right thing. I can't understand your parents though, what about your DD?

ellybellybowlofjelly · 21/12/2017 00:17

A seven week old baby had his ribs broken more than once.

And rather than fighting tooth and nail to discover how this happened your family are covering this up.

I'm with your DH. All the way.

Yes, it hurts, I know myself. I got smeared and called mad for speaking up about the suffering I experienced in my own family.

Your DH is dead right.

7 week old baby's being injured should have grandparents ON THE WARPATH with no stone unturned.

Not covering it up.

Be strong.

Original poster
Lilsquish · 21/12/2017 04:16

Thank you for the replies so far.

They pretty much echo everything my OH feels. (and the rational part of me)

There is so much more to this situation and i dont want to drip feed.

To the poster - sorry not sure how to quote - who said why cant there be supervised access between my daughter and sister- this is ultimately where the problem lies. I want this, my parents want this, my OH refuses on his belief that my sister has never shown any real desire to find out the truth, just swept it under the carpet and played the victim.

I also cant understand my parents thinking. Theyve used my OH as a scape goat and are blaming him for breaking up the family when it was the monster who hurt my nephew :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilsquish · 21/12/2017 04:22

Mind utopia - im so sorry to read of ur situation. It sounds very similar and uv pretty much summed up how i feel.

Stuck in the middle.

I suppose the difference is that no one has been convicted of harming him therefore my sis and parents are going down the route that it must have been a big accident/whoever has done it didnt know they had done it.

Im being made to feel like the worst sister in the world because im not supporting her and my parents.

OP posts:
Isetan · 21/12/2017 09:12

As difficult as this situation is, you can’t go back to the time when your family weren’t colluding in the sweeping under the carpet of child abuse. You are being punished because your OH won’t participate in the sweeping under the carpet, that supervised contact would most certainly be associated with.

Elephants in rooms aren’t a hallmark of healthy family dynamics.

Go ahead and grieve but you are not responsible for their behaviour.and do not underestimate the level of participation that enablement requires. Integrity rarely comes without cost.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/12/2017 09:22

my OH refuses
I'm not liking this bit I'm afraid.
He's basically cut you off from your family and you've allowed it to happen.
I can see why, kind of!?
But there is no reason why you can't see your DM and DSis with your DC.
Your DSis probably needs you more than ever right now.
She's going through some serious shit.
And yes, she might not be facing up to the facts but that doesn't make her a bad person.
Is your DH supportive of you in every other way?
Does he like your friends?

category12 · 21/12/2017 09:41

If she's staying with the man who broke her tiny baby's ribs, then I do think she's a bad person.

Original poster
Lilsquish · 21/12/2017 09:59

We have been together for 16 years, married nearly 3.

He is in no way controlling in any aspect of my life.

Up until this incident i saw my family regularly both with him and seperately.

I have many friends that i see regularly with no issue.

Yeah he has never been a huge fan of my sister (shes always been pretty selfish and there has been some fallouts over the years)

Perhaps he is a bit controlling over who our daughter sees....

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilsquish · 21/12/2017 10:00

Just to add, despite everything going on and the strained relationship with my parents. We have made it perfectly clear to them that they are welcome to see our lg and have actively pursued this.

They however cant seem to move past the fact that my sister cant see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilsquish · 21/12/2017 10:08

Hellsbells

It is the guilt of this that is eating me alive. I feel awful that iv not been there for her.

But the level of covering up etc has just been too much for my OH and he wants nothing to do with it/them.

I should add, the child protection doctor has aparently stated that there is a possibility that the person who done this didnt know they done it. But i just feel this is so far fetched, and twice???

My family have obv jumped all over this and that is the stance they are now taking. My OH and i then said if thats the case why dont you both do a polygraph to prove you have no idea.

They initially agreed to do one then said no coz its not reliable.

We had offered to pay for it so they had no reason not to and their refusal just furthers my OH opinion that they have something to hide

OP posts:
EEandEmakes3 · 21/12/2017 10:11

You've both done the right thing. It's terribly sad that your parents would focus their anger at your DH rather than deal with the monster amongst them.

Keep protecting your child and live your life, some people can't be told. They've chosen to ignore the elephant in the room, just because they've chosen to do this doesn't mean you have to. God forbid anything else happens on their watch, when they had the opportunity to protect their Grandson.

Original poster
Lilsquish · 26/12/2017 12:01

Really really struggling today.

Is anyone about for a hand hold?

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.