Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Lilsquish
Can you get some Complan if you are getting thin?

I know it isn't great but it gets the calories into you quite easily.

I had some when I went from 60kg to 54kg in three weeks with noro and I am feeling a bit less fragile now.

Quite agree with mathanxiety that prioritising the sisters emotional wellbeing over a 7 week olds tiny body is wrong.

OP, it sounds like your sister has been damaged by aspects of her life, and is not capable of fully seeing her baby as a vulnerable tiny person who needs her protection. Instead it seems that she is clinging to her strong partner who helpfully guides her reality and tells her who she is, who he is, what their narrative is. She is choosing this version of reality over the painful reality that he is abusive and she is alone. So no, my sympathy is reserved for the tiny baby who only SS are trying to protect.

So a baby and a small dog have been injured when in your bil's care and yet your parents are protecting him, despite his own parents walking away.
The mind boggles.
Why would you want your dd around people like your parents and dsis ??????

Sorry iv been a bit quiet on this the past few days.

Why do i want them in her life? Well i suppose because im struggling to get my head around what they are doing and how they are behaving.

They are also i suppose quite manipulative (well my mum is) and when i speak to them their arguments seem plausible etc and i get sucked in. But then i look at the facts again and think, no, something isnt right here.

The dog incident again i dont have proof, just gut feeling that something isnt right. But when i mention it to them im made to feel silly and like im on a witch hunt against him.

As far as i know his parents have more turned their back on my sister however things are def strange between them as the last two meetings between them were in a carpark where they sat in seperate cars to talk via open windows. Hardly normal in my eyes.

It looks like my mum has fell out with me again. No messages etc since christmas day.

Most likely angry with me coz i didnt reply to my sisters text.

Its so exhausting. And im so upset with my mum and her behaviour.

I think that christmas card she sent me may be the final straw :'-(

Maybe you need to make a New Year's resolution to get to grips and take back control.
Toxic Families is a book that is often recommended, and might give you some insights. Some counselling could also be helpful.

Also try to separate out feeling sad because you don't have "the ideal family" from any sadness you have over lack of contact with your real family. Is it your mother you miss or what you would like your mother to be?

Maybe a bit of both

I do miss her but i often feel disappointed and upset with things she says/does. So yeah the idea of a happy family prob plays a part

You can refer SS to the vet who treated the dog that was injured, Lilsquish.

From your latest posts, it seems your mother has succeeded in making the crisis for the baby into a drama about something else entirely - the relationships within her family. This is a sign of a toxic parent.

Please do not lose sight of the fact that someone - your sister or her husband - broke the ribs of a helpless baby in two separate attacks and left him in horrible pain.

You are going to have to accept the fact that you are not going to have the family you hope for. This is hard, but attempting to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear is pointless. I recommend counselling for you.

Meanwhile, someone needs to be the adult and advocate for the baby here.

I dont know what vet he took him to. It was one his family use.

And i dont know what diagnosis they gave etc.

All i know is that the dog hasnt had another 'seizure' since. (Plus one of my dogs had epilepsy and never once had blood coming from his nose)

Would ss not think i was mad if i told them about this? After all i dont have any proof

Mathanxiety-

Sorry just realised i hadnt answered some of ur questions.

Injuries were discovered when DN was 7 weeks old. They estimated that they had occurred around 2 weeks prior and then a couple days prior to discovery. They cant pin point exactly but go on healing process. So he was first injured around 5 weeks old. Sickening.

He was removed by ss and placed with my parents immediately under a voluntary agreement.

Police investigation was over after about 6 weeks - no charges libelled due to lack of evidence.

This was all approx 18months ago. DN still with parents-awaiting childrens panel.

Does anyone know rough time scales for this and how long DN is likely to remain with my parents?

Sorry if I am going against the consensus, but I think your sister needs help and support. She is married to a monster. Who could treat a dog like that, let alone a baby.

I agree with this actually. The dog incident is very frightening too.

I genuinely havent seen anything concerning in their relationship that would be the ususal red flags.

He runs around after her every demand. She sees family regularly. Would meet friends for coffee etc so doesnt seem controlling that way.

But he's odd. No friends, exaggerates things like how good his job is, how successful he was in sports etc. And when DN was born he was very possessive over him. Wanted to do every feed/change etc.

I think you could tell SS about the dog, certainly. How many vets are there in the vicinity? It might be possible to track down the right one.

Do you know if Dsis and BIL have been asked to engage in any parenting classes or how much SS have had direct contact with them in the form of interviews or observation?

No SS would not think you were mad if you told them about the dog. It is just information. Something that you know and they don't yet, which may or may not be relevant. They can do with it what they want - they are the experts. They might think it's nothing, or it might be something that's saves your nephews life. You don't need to decide if it's important or not, just hand it over to them.

Been following the thread and just wanted to say that Yes, there is a link between animal abuse and child abuse. It may be something, it may be nothing but I think SS should know.

Mathanxiety

Yip there has been numerous classes and assessments where im sure they will have passed with flying colours and looked like the model parents.

I will talk to OH about the dog incident over new year n perhaps contact the social worker after NY.

Telling them about the dog incident will def be the final nail in the coffin for me with my 'family'. As we are the only ones who have this info so my sis will know iv told them. She will never understand the reasons.

But my nephews safety is paramount . Hopefully one day theyl see that i was right.

D'you know whats weird tho.

Just after the dog incident my OH and i were discussing it ans he turned to me and said 'if we have a child, i wouldnt trust him with it'.

I said he was being mean saying this!

Then two years later this happened....

Why OP would you want to be involved with a family who back an abuser and partner over a helpless child ?
You sound amazing and a great advocate for your dn.
Stay strong.
You have the support of your beloved partner.
You don't need the toxic others.

I dont Holly.

Its just that they werent always like this. Up until 18mths ago we were a normal loving happy family.

I miss them and i miss what i had/should have now.

I cant help having doubts creep in every so often too. What if im wrong?

What if it was someone else or some medical issue that hasnt been discovered.

Im just such a mess.

I dont support their actions and decisions and my nephew is 100% priority.

Im just using this site to vent and get some support. I do know what the right thing to do is.

YOu never know, lil, there could be a medical issue

But their reaction to apparent abuse is the half of the issue here (the other half being the danger to your nephew). Unfortunately, whatever actually happened, it's clear now that they expect in times of trouble for you to immediately side with them and cover things up no matter -what- has happened. ALso that they are prepared to lie extensively.

Your dog and your OH - neither trust BIL.

for you, you're doing the right thing but it is a very rocky road isnt it.

Have you reported the matter to the RSPCA regarding the dog?

I still think you are better to keep contact so that you are able to keep an eye on things and provide support if necessary. I used to work with women from abusive relationships, one of them ended up dead, it's not always obvious, even to family members, when abuse is going on. Are you sure your sister isn't putting on a brave face and hiding bruises, or maybe look at 'Stockholm Syndrome'.

Yes, your DN must be your first concern because he is little and can't speak for himself yet; but in time he will grow up and leave, but I am seriously worried about your sister and I expect your parents are too.

MN, of late, always advises NC, but nothing is resolved without communication; silence rarely achieves anything. You obviously love your family so, unless you believe that your sister attacked the dog and the baby herself, she is almost certainly a victim too. Her DH is a seriously nasty piece of work.

No of it wasnt reported to rspca.

It was 3 years ago, its my parents dog and it never even crossed their mind that he might have harmed him.

It was def not my sister, she was on holiday with us at the time, thats why BIL had the dog.

I never mentioned my concerns about the dog to my parents or sister (apart from discussing it with my OH) until 18 months ago when my nephew was injured. Then i brought it up to add weight to my concern that BIL was responsible for harming DN.

This wasnt well received by any of them. I was being rediculous aparently.

Ur right seaeagle.

There is two seperate issues.

How DN was injured

And

How parents and sister are behaving.

:-(

No contact from parents over the bells or so far today.

Why am i so upset by this? So weak.

I should be the one not wanting contact with them, not the other way around!!

I hate my life