Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Forgot to add - from what you have said your DH sounds like a wonderful father

Thank you cat lady

He truely is wonderful. It saddens me to see what this has done to him tho.

I hope things get better for you in the New Year, sweetheart

I don't agree with the advice about telling everyone though, because I feel that this is your nephew's story.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I know there have been miscarriages of justice when a baby has had brittle bone disease, but logically he would also have broken bones while in your parents' care, so I think that is ruled out.

I appreciate that coyo

However im unsure what to do with the likes of my extended family.

My gran is in her 90's and very frail, when she passes my uncle will come over from canada.

I fully expect that my parents will make up lies as to why we arent talking and no doubt my OH will be blamed. This is unfair so im not sure how to play this?

I know my dad will lay on the guilt trip tho if i dont play ball. 'Iv just lost my mum, how can you do this to me' etc.....

Whilst I don't think that you should go around telling people about what has happened just for the sake of it, I don't think you should lie about it either.

If your uncle asks, tell him the truth.

Maybe it will all be clearer by then but I find it very strange that your parents are assisting in the "cover-up" and would lie about you and DH in order to keep the truth from people.

This is wrong in so many ways

Honestly it just feels like protect my sister at all costs.

Pretty obv why me and particularly OH have been treated so badly when i look at it like that.

But certainly doesnt make sense in a way either.

Surely they know we could destroy this charade in moments by telling everyone. Id of thought theyd want to keep us on side, not treat us like shit

I think it is awful how they are treating you in favour of your sister.

I am sorry if I made you feel as if it was your fault

You havent cat lady.

I do have a lot of regrets, but ultimately i know this isnt my fault

Definitely not your fault in any way at all.

I agree that it's totally unfair that your OH should appear in a bad light to the rest of the family because the likely reason for your nephew's injuries is being covered up.

I really, really don't like secrets and lies in families. I think it's very unhealthy. If your sister and parents don't think that she or your BIL have done anything wrong then why are they so afraid of people knowing?

Have you spoke to Social Services yourself? Although that's not necessarily a wasp's nest you want to poke, but at least someone would be able to assess - and clearly articulate to you - exactly the danger your child would be in from contact with your DSis, BIL and/or parents (because if they are lying it could be considered advocating abuse) And then you have the perfect comeback - SS say your DC is not allowed contact. At the moment your primary source of information - your parents - cannot be trusted because they seem more interested in protecting their image than their DGS.

I fully expect that my parents will make up lies as to why we arent talking and no doubt my OH will be blamed. This is unfair so im not sure how to play this?

Well you can pre-empt/manage this now by refusing to play along with their charade.
Stop covering up for abusers and their enablers.
Let it become known what the real situation is when you're conversing with others.

The lot of them don't give a fuck about falsely accusing/painting you and dh as the bad guys so why are you giving them the power/permission to do this again in the future?

why? because she loves her previously-loving parents and it's a horrendous set of shocks to discover

1. that your nephew has been severely mishandled. Twice. At 7 weeks
2. no one knows exactly who did it
3. your parents are turning blind eyes to what's probably happened
4. they are lying extensively to everyone around
5. they are actively choosing to walk away from her and their other grandchild rather than to address issues honestly
6. the OP has been given a stark and horrible lesson that her parents aren't who she thought they were, that the security of their love was an illusion and that they are willing to cover up and hide severe abuse.

It's very, very hard to be thrust out by your family or to have to walk away.

OP's got a horrible choice:

• knuckle under to her parents and lose her OH, while knowing that their 'love' is conditional and really, an illusion; never let the side down because they will choose their public self image over her. Plus, they will never forgive her for not holding their party line.

• stay out in the cold. There are many many threads on mumsnet and a hundred other forums showing how hard that is; to be forced to choose to turn away from your family of origin.

OP, I think you need support from outside your husband. Good friends or (better) a trained counsellor, because this is an area that needs skilled support.

Never doubt that you are doing the right thing in choosing your husband's side here. I actually think that you should tell your OH that he's right and been right all along here, too. Abuse of a baby or child should never be swept under the carpet and covered up. Sometimes there are no easy or pleasant choices ... But you can come through, though life will perhaps never be quite the same because your parents behaviour has changed the whole family dynamics.

Btw it wasn't family but I've had some experience of apparently pleasant people who denied abuse, covered it up and vilified me. It stinks. I imagine you are very angry at your parents too!

Iv not spoke to them since i looked after my nephew (to stop him going into care) when my parents were away. So roughly 14 months ago.

I expect they would just say it would be fine as long as contact is supervised.

Its not that my OH thinks my sis will physically hurt my lg, he just thinks she is poisinous and has caused so much hurt and destruction in our lives that he doesnt want our lg anyway near her.

I guess im a forgiving person (read pushover) i just always look for the good in people and have accepted and put up with some serious shitty behaviour in the past.

My OH says enough now, theyve went too far.

Im already refusing to play along heebie. Iv went against their wishes by telling my best friend about what has happened. They are so angry at me for this. But i was (am) a mess and i really needed the support.

Iv lost so much weight, im beginning to look emaciated. Im now on anti depressants and have been going to counselling. I cant believe what my life has become

Oh my gid seaeagle, i just saw ur post.

U have summed this up perfectly

I cant stop crying..

The realisation about my parents is just so awful. They were always loving and generous when i was growing up. Now this.....

SeaEagleFeather has very wise words.
Lilsquish Its a grieving process at the moment. You are allowed to feel awful.
I would just like to reiterate you and your husband are doing the right thing. Please never ever doubt this. Sending you huge hugs - keep being strong.

Thank you Abbie. This is the issue, the doubts that creep in and the panic it causes me.

Then i start to remember little anecdotes from my childhood and the pain of loosing my family is all consuming.

Or my gorgeous little girl does something new/cute and i ache to share it with my mum.

But then i remember the facts. And how theyve treated me, my OH and my daughter and i start to feel anger/hate.

One of the things that hurts the most was that this was avoidable. Had my parents supported my request of the lie detector and it had been sat and passed (i do accept this is extremely unlikely) we could have had some form of family life.

Yes id still never of allowed my bil around my lg unsupervised, but it would have been better than this!

Lilsquish,

I didn't read through the whole thread. Only you here know your sister. Also her partner. Did she speak before of any problems in their relationship? Problems of anger and abuse?

Has there been any more marks on the baby? Bruises etc?

If not, Just to say,
There is a medical condition known as brittle bones or osteogenesis imperfecta. Its caused by a protein deficiency in the bones. There are different types, all varying in severity. Type 1 is the mildest type and can sometimes be picked up as child abuse.

Maybe it's something worth exploring with doctors.

lils I'm sorry for making you cry.

Do wish you well. Don't lose faith in humanity, even though your home where you grew up turned out not to be what you thought it was. There are truly good people out there who choose integrity over appearances ... they often pay a price but the people around them have better lives for it.

Just a thought, was your sister the favoured child? if she was it might explain the pattern of interactions between your parents and her, and your parents and you. Might be a red herring though.