Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Sounds as though it went well and I am glad that you had your aunts support, it must mean a lot. You did great!
From my experience, what your parents said may be empty words to keep them going through today. Please don't pin any hopes on your parents changing their stance, I would hate for you to feel let down if they continue to go NC.

I am so glad you had such warmth from your aunt. Well done for getting through the day.

Yeah i know Onestep.

Im not going to contact them again. They havent replied to my last few messages (sent before today)

So thats it for me. Im not reaching out again.

Id imagine they will leave it a while too, maybe even until the panel happens.....if that ever happens

Thank you saffron

Well done for getting through it! And it sounds like it went much better than you were expecting. What a relief.

I agree with PP that your parents are deflecting the negative attention to your DH to avoid scrutiny and having to think about things themselves. I meant to say earlier, for similar reasons they aren't going to badmouth you very much because doing so just begs lots of questions - 'What did lilsquish do? But why wouldn't she want her DD in contact? But why would she think it was dangerous? Ohhh! 7 week old with broken bones?!' They don't want anyone going down that path, it reflects so badly on them and your DSis.

That is very interesting about your Aunt and Uncle. It's wonderful that they were so supportive to you. Would you meet up with them while they are here? Would you explain your side of the story - they do want to hear it? It might be helpful to hear more of their take on your Mum and Dad's relationship. Would you ever want to build a relationship with him
separately to your Mum, if it turns out he's conflicted and just going along with your Mum?

I'm glad it's over and you are feeling a bit better.

That took a lot of courage today. Be proud of yourself.
Maybe you'll get a call from your aunt tomorrow or sometime soon. Would it be helpful to consider what you want to say or ask so you are not caught unawares?

It sounds like it went better than could have been expected.

I do wonder if it's worth talking to your aunt ... not even to explain but to respond to the genuine-sounding warmth. She sounds quite wise and it might be pleasant to build a relationship with someone from the family. If she's as wise as she sounds, hopefully she wouldnt push for the details of the falling out and a dignified "yes there are two sides and we believe that we are doing the right thing" should lay it to rest.

I'm so pleased that you got through today and so glad that your aunt and uncle showed their support in the way they did.
It seems that a back picture is slowly building up here and pieces of a jigsaw coming together. For example - what you said about both your husband and also your sister's being previously cut out by your parents for years. Also I picked up on your aunt remarking about there being two sides to every story. This would suggest she knows your mother's/father's character and very possibly has been on the receiving end of similar (deeply offended/abruptly cutting off) behavior.
Maybe this current event has brought to the surface a pattern of behaviour that has always been there albeit on a smaller, less traumatic scale?

Ah, I’m SO glad it went so well!

Really well done lil!

Sorry for your loss, you handled today as best as you could

OP
I am glad it went better than you expected.
Your aunt and uncle must hold you in very high regard.

I'm really pleased you're feeling a bit better. I would just take a step back from all the drama at this point. Stop contact with them for a while and enjoy your own little family.

Thank you everyone for the lovely messages of support.

My aunt was very kind and i was so thankful for this.

It certainly is possible that they are aware of my parents 'issues'.

My aunt phoned me today in response to the note i passed to her at the funeral.

She said that she didnt need to know the details but was desperate to help both me and my parents.

My dad has aparantly said that he feels its too raw just now to discuss it with them, but added that he believes they havent done anything wrong!!!??

My aunt and uncle are coming to visit me tomo.

lil, she could be a real source of strength. It's ok to tell her the truth, too.

At some point she might from the best of intentions try to be a peacemaker between you and your parents. If she does that, then if one option would be to say thank you and that you hope you can have a relationship with her separately, but that you can't see a way forward with your parents at the moment and you'd like to leave it at that.

She sounds wise so she might well have the sense not to push, and to be there as your family without interfering.

I hope it goes well with your aunt and uncle. I hope it gives you a bit more of the family connection, and opportunity to talk, that you need.

Well I spent roughly 24hrs debating with myself whether or not to tell my aunt and uncle what was going on and in the end i decided that i should.

Before they knew the facts my uncle was saying how worried he was about my parents. They were aparently saying worrying things about their life being over etc and he mentioned how ill and old they are looking (i agree with this!!)

So in fear for their health, i decided to share with them.

They were shocked.

It seems, reading between the lines, that my parents have made it sound like me and my OH are having marital problems and it has caused a massive rift in the family. They had no inclination that the actual problem surrounded my sis and BIL.

What was comforting to me was that they picked up on some of the things Im concerned about without me saying anything (sorry this is hard to explain)

It also helped me as for once i was talking to people who truely know my parents and understand where im coming from, as opposed to OH's family.

The unfortunate thing was that after they left my house they were off to meet my parents and sister at a hotel.

They made the decision to pretend they knew nothing. I agree that this was the right thing just now.

After meeting with my parents my uncle called me and stated that he believed they were on the cusp of opening up but something was stopping them (prob my sister!)

So thats them now away back home to canada :-(

They have advised me to take a step back and i now have their phone number and email address to keep in touch.

I def feel better (well slightly) and am glad i shared with them

I am pleased that even though they are in Canada they can provide some support for you.

It must have helped to be able to share it all with them.

And seeing them face-to-face must have helped. Their advice seems like a good plan.

It must have been such a relief to connect with people who really know your family. I'm glad you had the opportunity.

Do you think your aunt and uncle will try and see if your parents will confide in them, or do they think they need to step back too?

They were desperate for them to confide in them. But didnt want to push it.

Said it seemed that they were waiting on something to happen first. Possibly the panel??

My aunt and uncle are coming back over in may so i expect there will be face to face discussions then

Lilsquish you identified this thread on my thread relating to dysfunctional family relationships. I am so sorry this is going on for you and I am so sorry about your DNanna.

You have been so utterly brave doing the right thing. Sometimes those who collude with the perpetrator of evil cannot find it within themselves to reflect fully on their actions and then respond with a massive reaction to those who shine a mirror on their actions, showing up what they should be doing.

My (not perpetrator) DB has fallen foul of this with my DParents. He has, from the very first instant if being told what had happened re the abuse, despite my other DB being his life long best friend, done the absolute right thing. He was disgusted with my DParents and their behaviour and they disgusted about how much he was showing them up. They reacted really badly to him because if they had acknowledged him doing the right this would showed up how badly they had behaved.

You are doing the right thing though.

It is so utterly devastating to be put in these positions by those who love us. Just truely horrifying.

You have my utmost sympathy.

Sounds like your non abusive brother is a lovely man yellow.

And yes, it does sound like he is similar to my OH. Unwilling to sweep the abuse under the carpet so completely villified

Yes Lils there are actually 2 other DBs and they have been outstanding.

Well done on everything you’ve e done so far. Keep talking to your dh, he’s right, it’s disgusting how they’re treating you, I can see why he can’t understand why you still want them in your life, but that’s because his relationship with his family is normal.

You see it on here all the time where husbands do everything not to upset the mum/sister etc even though it upsets their wife. And everyone tells the woman she has a dh problem. Now imagine it was your dh family going though the same thing and treating him like this.

You’ve said that your dh is not controlling in any other way so it’s not about isolating you from your family. He’s probably really upset that the people who are supposed to love you and support you are treating you this way.