Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Cat lady -

Nephew stays with my parents 5 nights a week, two nights with my sis as long a my mum or dad stay too.

Bil lives in house with my sis.

Sis and bil get all the supervised access they want. Thats up to my parents i supposes.

As to whether or not its fully followed, my gut would say no as my parents dont think anyone has done anything wrong so why wouldnt they flowt it?

Aparently my sis and bil are now allowed some unsupervised access but they dobt tell me about anything thats going on now.

I have only seen my parents twice in the past 6 months. Both times ended in argument about this.

We're in scotland and as far as i know the case has yet to go to the childrens panel. At the moment i believe its a voluntary agreement on my parents part to hve my nephew

How awful for you. You sound torn in two. In some ways it's simpler for your OH. His duty to protect his own child is clear and unambiguous. His ties to his SIL and PIL are weaker and he is less affected by the breach. For you it must be agonising as you are being forced to choose between your family of origin and your new little family of your OH and baby. It seems very unfair that rather than the family closing ranks against your sister's partner you are the ones being cold shouldered.

I guess you have two choices:

1 Refuse to have any part in the lying and covering up. Let the clear light of day into the situation. Be open with everyone what has happened, your fears about your sister's partner and how wretched the situation is making you. There's a chance that faced with the likely concern and horror of the wider community your parents will realise where the fault actually lies. The danger is that you might be completely cut off from your sister and parents as they side with the partner.

1. Tell your sister and parents that you very much want to continue to have some kind of relationship. You would like your parents to come and see you (invite them) but if they decide not to then that is their choice. Reply to your sister's text and suggest meeting up without Babies or partners. Suggest to both that you agree not to talk about the partner or situation for the moment.

Angelfish- sorry just seen ur post.

To clarify, my parents cut me out their life in june after i broached the idea of a lie detector.

They told me that they would be in contact when it was 'appropriate' .
I was distraught but decided id not do my usual and crawl to them (im a terrible people pleaser) so i left it.

My mum then messaged me in november asking to meet up. I believe this was as my daughters first birthday was approaching and they would need to get pictures/send a present to keep up the pretence to neighbours/work colleagues etc that we are a happy family.

We met up amd it didnt go well, they blamed me for the lack of contact for 5 months!!! Unreal.

I saw them again last week where i gave them my nephews xmas present.

Thats been it and our relationship is so strained i just dont see how its salvageable

Lilsquish
Thank you for your answers and I am sorry if replying was hard for you.

I think there are two issues here, the way your parents are supporting your sister over you and your poor little nephew.

I don't know what you can do about your parents but I am concerned about your nephew.

I doesn't sound like your parents are taking his safeguarding very seriously at all.

Also if you are genuinely worried about your nephew and the fact that there seems to be contradictory things going on (your parents need to stay at sister's house but they are also allowed unsupervised contact) I would contact SS.

Some people might say that it is interfering bug I would never forgive myself if something else happened to my nephew (if I had one)

I think that Emily has some really good practical advice there.

the person who done this didnt know they done it. But i just feel this is so far fetched

But that person would know what they did and how much force they used! If you punch someone you know you’ve done it, even if you didn’t know that you broke their nose,

I think it would need to be option 1 Emily.

My OH hates my sister now, seeing her would be the end if my marriage and family life with my daughter. It hurts so much that i cant share her with my family. She is such a fantastic wee girl and they dont even know her. Watching the bond she has with my MIL tears me apart. Its all i want for my mum.

I genuinely i dont think my sis has any clue just how much damage this has done to me and my life.

She (not unsurprisingly) is only thinking about herself and poor her, how her life is affected.

Thank you everyone for all the replies.

I think il continue to use this thread to vent/ask advice in the future xx

I think its very telling that your BiL's parents have nothing to do with them. Possibly they know more than you do.

I agree Iris.

I think the doctor means that you would know that uv hurt the baby but not necessarily that uv broke his ribs.

I think they are interpreting it wrong because thats what they want to believe.

Also, if the doctor thought this, why 18months later is he still with my parents?

Just like Iris said you would know if you hurt a baby that much even if you didn't know what injury you had caused.

What worries me is the sister must know that the BIL did it unless she did it herself.

Either she harmed the baby or she is standing up for the person that did??

Lilsquish
Who told you what the doctor said?

Cat lady -

The arrangement that my nephew is at sis house 2 nights was drawn up when i was still involved so i know thats above board.

They are also aware of my parents opinions as they have voiced them repeatedly. I was initially supportive of sis and bil - medical tests were pending, shock of what had happened etc.... so i sat in quite a few meetings with ss.

the sister must know that the BIL did it unless she did it herself

Just this really.

Your sister is not a nice person.

Sis and my parents told me.

Aparently said it twice without prompt.

I know ul be thinking well theyve lied about what was said and given all the other lies etc they have said it has crossed my mind

However i know my parents and can tell when they are lying. Especially my dad, and i do believe that this was said by the doctor. But i do think they are interpreting it wrongly

Tinkly - thats my OH opinion too.

Whilst i really cant disagree, its very hard to swallow that this is the sister that i grew up with/love

Lilsquish
I was just wondering if they were lying to you about that but that bit seems above board.

I still can't reconcile them being allowed some unsupervised contact and needing someone to stay overnight though.

They are either a danger or they aren't.

Tinkly- iv also argued that with my parents about BIL parents....but just get the usual response that they are bad people

Basically everyone not on board with this are bad people.

Arghhhh, how is this my life?

Could you forgive yourself if your nephew was injured again because you suspect that your parents aren't being strict enough with the supervision and you didn't do anything about it?

Personally (and I fully agree that they should not have unsupervised access and in fact SS would demand this of you) I think that I would tell my OH that supervised contact is going to happen. There is no risk if it's supervised. He's right to want to safeguard your child but in this situation there IS an appropriate compromise.

How is this my life
Because you are a good person that is why you are so torn about the situation.

If you didn't care so much you would just go along with the lies and nonsense.

Cat lady-

Yip its def conceivable that the unsupervised contact is a lie from my parents. Maybe trying to make it look like they are now being trusted by ss?

They were v vague about it and changed the subject pretty quick

@Lilsquish I'm in a similar situation with my family for different reasons, it's difficult but it's better for my son and DH and I that there's no contact...you are doing the right thing protecting your daughter. I'd be happy to chat to you via pm if you need a handhold or just a rant to someone in the same situation

Cat lady - Id feel terrible if something was to happen to him. But i dont have any proof that its not being followed.

And if i phoned ss theyd know it was me or OH as we are the only people that know about this.

Desmond- yeah that is a compromise, and was up until june. But so much has happened since that my OH is adament that its over. He wants my daughter to have zero contact with her as he views her as an advocate to child abuse and is so angry at the destruction this has caused to our lives

Thank you Lorel.

Sorry to hear ur experiencing similar. Im not sure how to pm?

Im a long term lurker, first time poster

Lilsquish
If you have concerns then you can raise them without evidence but as you said they will know it was you that did it.

It is up to you to decide the risks of contacting or not contacting SS

You are in a bloody awful situation and it is so unfair that you are being pushed out while the one who is in the wrong is not being questioned about anything but totally supported.

I hope you come to some sort of compromise that makes things better for you