Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

SMJ - all medical conditions have been ruled out.

As far as i know, no new marks or injuries. But iv not seen him for 6months now :-(

Just want to send you hugs.

Finding out people who you loved so much don't reciprocate is utterly crushing, it changes the way you view the world and how you feel forever. The grief is overwhelming

Thats ok SeaEagle. Its just i found it amazing how much you managed to sum everything up with just the few bits of info i have posted here.

As for favoured child, id have to say u are prob not far off the mark there. It wasnt something i felt as a child growing up, however as an adult yes.

My sister is the elder sibling and as a child was badly bullied, i was often made to feel guilty as i had friends and had to include her and i always felt she was jealous of my friendships.

Since she became an adult my parents have had to bale her out a few times.

They took on her dog when her ex was allergic (they never wanted a dog and we never had one growing up) they baled her out financially with her mortgage when her relationship crumbled and now this. (Just to name the big stuff)

In the past 15 years or so iv always felt that they have supported her more than me and been more proud of her.

She has an academic career whilst mine is in the emergency services. We both have a degree but iv always felt they have been disappointed in me.

It sure is random.

My OH and i were just discussing this last night - about how much this has changed us.

Op have you thought that your parents are protecting your nephew? That they haven't chosen your sister or bil but your nephew?

Me and my mum have had some rows over the years where she has stood by my dsis in pretty shitty circumstances. It's only now years later that I realise she was taking the course of action she did to protect my niece. If my mum had done the 'right' thing dsis would have cut my mum off and dniece would have had no one to look out for her and protect her. I suspect ss would have removed her at some point.

My mum has always seen me as more independent and capable. In her mind I could cope without her. My dsis definetly couldn't.

Ultimately only your sis and bil know what happened to the baby. Maybe it was your dsis. Maybe that is why the lie detector test was rejected. Maybe your parents actually know.

Either way although you and your dd have been hurt your dd has a secure, stable family unit that aren't going to cause her harm. Your nephew doesn't have that unless he is with your parents. Better there than in care or worse.

I know it must be hard but try and see it from your parents point of view. You don't knoe what your sis or bil is saying. It might be that they are giving them an ultimatum.

I don't think it's your place to tell all to everyone.

I've seen people accused of hurting their children and later found innocent. Telling all and sundry would cause more harm than good.

She isn't telling all to everyone.

She's asking support of close friends. Not quite the same as telling all to everyone. It's not like she can turn to her family for support. Where else is she supposed to go? This sort of situation is intensely hard to handle in the first place. Loosing your parents, sister and illusion of parental love, plus your child losing grandparental love, which is what's happening here, is a burden that many or most people buckle under alone.

Sandy-

In 18 months i have told one person. My best friend.

I was asking advice about what i should say when the inevitable family party/funeral/wedding occurs.

I dont want to tell everyone at all, its mortifying enough already without my extended family/friends/neighbours knowing

Despite everything i love my parents and sister and although they have done some terrible things, i still feel protective over them

I had a little experience of this in the ILs' family. Luckily exH and I lived a day's drive from all of them and we didn't have to choose who to believe. The ILs' narrative was that a one year old older sibling had fractured the baby's skull and broken a rib through overdoing a hug and some poking. The entire IL family played along though there were mutterings.

The person everyone suspected, deep down, of the abuse suffered a heart attack (or so the ILs' narrative goes) and died about a year after the baby was brought to the hospital.

This is so difficult for you, but you really have to protect your own baby and cherish your own little family.

Meantime you can trust that the truth will out eventually and that your mother will realise she is being unreasonable in contributing to the standoff. She has chosen her part in this.

If it seems to SS that the baby is in further danger because of your mother and sister getting their backs up against SS involvement, you may well find yourself asked to step in as a career to the baby. SS do not like to see the wagons circled against them, and your decision should give them confidence in you.

You're very lucky that your oh is a man who is so protective of his baby and you need to be the same by keeping potential baby abusers away. It's not your ohs fault that they've cut you out. It's on them. Your childs safety is paramount. Focus on the family you have created with your husband and leave the others to face the consequences of their own behaviour.

I wish it was that simple bruel.

Unfortunately im struggling with just cutting them out. I know i have to, but my god its so painful.

Mathanxiety

Thank you for ur reply. Sorry to read you experienced something similar.

I really hope one day the truth will come out. But i just dont see how :-(

You are doing the right thing OP. If there's even the remote possibility that someone has hurt a child. You have to keep your own child away from them. What if you believed your sis and BIL and your baby got hurt whilst in their care. You'd never forgive yourself.

Broken ribs sound like an injury caused out of anger.
All this must be devastating for you and your family have really hurt you.
What I would suggest is to try and put them to the back of your mind. Don't think about them too much and try not to dwell on what you're missing.
Everything you're going through is horrible. But don't let whoever has done this to your nephew ruin your family's lives too. Leave your sis, BIL and parents over there. Not forgotten, just out of the way for the time being.
Of course you're allowed to grieve and feel sad but don't allow it to control your life

make memories with your OH and baby

Is your sister a narcissist OP? Does she or did she have a violent temper growing up? I ask because your description of your BIL being exhausted suggests he was doing the lions share of the care for your dn. Why was this the case? Your sister would have been on maternity leave and your bil was obviously working and struggling with all the night feeds. I am wondering if he was doing the lions share to protect his son from your volatile sister?

This may explain his family disowning him, if he had confided that your ds was having outbursts/ not coping with your dn then they may realise that your ds was the one who assaulted your dn. This would also explain why your parents reacted so strongly when you suggested that you pay for a polygraph! If they know or suspect that your sister was responsible for your dn's broken ribs then they WILL NOT under any circumstances want your sister to go through a polygraph! If they suspected your BIL, I can't see any reason why they wouldn't encourage your sister to undertake the test!

Has your BIL shown any signs of being an abusive husband or Father? As I have known several abusive men and they were far too selfish to volunteer themselves for all the night feeds. Obviously, everyone is different and your BIL may well have hurt his son. However, I can see completely why you and your dh wouldn't want your sister or her husband near your precious baby.

We are estranged from my husbands family and I second the pp who suggested you get counselling, my dh has had three lots and is so much happier and content with the situation now.

If the mum is protecting the nephew, Frouby, and if she suspects the Dsis did it, then she needs to have a word with the social workers and explain her suspicions to them.

Otherwise, what it looks like is that she is taking big chances with the welfare of the baby in order to preserve a relationship with Dsis or to prevent BIL getting custody if the DM's suspicions are credible.

Caledonian

I dont believe she is at all. And no, not violent ever.

BIL came across as v controlling and possessive when DN was born, didnt want OH and i to hold him, wanted to do everything for him, displayed some pretty odd behaviour tbh.

My sis on the other hand appeared to be behaving like a pampered princess with OH running about after her. She was like this during the pregnancy too.

Theres another reason we suspect BIL though. My parents own a small dog. Initially the dog was all over BIL (as he is with everyone) however after a few months the dog started to hide from him and would run and cower in fear if BIL went near him.

About 3 yrs ago my parents left their small dog in his care while we were on holiday. The poor dog ended up in the vets after he collapsed and had blood coming out his nose, he nearly lost an eye and never fully recovered.

BIL said he just found him on the kitchen floor like this, but the way he acted and some of the circumstances surrounding it raised alarm bells for me and OH.

I think he hurt the dog as he wasnt co-operating with him :-(

My belief is that he snapped and lost his temper with dn crying as he couldnt stop him. My belief is that he has issues with controlling weaker/inferior things.

Unfortunately all i have is circumstantial evidence and gut feeling to go on tho.

Mathanxiety- im not sure i understand what you mean. BIL and sis are still together so will both get custody (once panel decide its safe that is)

I was taking up something Frouby suggested, Lilsquish.

It takes a lot of force to break ribs. Someone really lost the plot, not once but twice. The danger is that the behaviour can escalate. If BIL and Dsis are still together, then it is likely that neither will get custody.
One of them did it, the other is keeping their mouth tightly shut. They are being loyal to each other and the baby is lost in the shuffle.

As long as anyone in your family is protecting the pair of them, SS cannot trust either one of them or the extended family.
I should add, the child protection doctor has aparently stated that there is a possibility that the person who done this didnt know they done it. But i just feel this is so far fetched, and twice???
This is possibly something they have made up or desperately clung to because the alternative is that they would have to face the truth.

Have you been in touch with BIL's parents at all? Whst is their take on all of this?

Have you spoken to SS about the dog? There would be a vet's record about the injury he suffered.

Your family relationships are not going to recover from this whether you speak to SS or not. Your parents and sister are entrenched on one side, and you and DH are on the other. From what you say, Dsis has caused trouble for a long time. I don't think you have anything to lose by contributing any information or incidents you may be aware of .

I am trying to figure out how long all of this has been going on - how old is DN now? When were the injuries discovered, and when were SS involved?

Oh this is so horrific and upsetting. The poor baby and the poor dog. It's made me cry. Sorry, I know this isn't about me.

Given this additional information I agree with your DH. Your sister is sacrificing her son. Therefore she is toxic and I wouldn't want to be around her at all - how could anyone bear to preserve a relationship with someone who would collude in that level of abuse?

This is terribly terribly sad for you. I would definitely seek out a counsellor or therapist (if you are NHS you are likely to have access to an employee assistance program, EAP, which will give you around 6, maybe more, free counselling sessions).

I think you need to approach this as a massive bereavement, as if the whole of your family (parents, sis, BIL, nephew) were killed in an accident or something. (And of course it's actually more complicated than that). You wouldn't expect to get over that in a year, or even five. You need support and compassion to yourself, time, mourning, actively focusing on new relationships after a while. I think part of it is learning to let them all go. So sorry you are going through this.

Also, if SS don't know about the dog incident, you really should tell them. Sorry. There is no way that your nephew should be going back to his parents. He would be at serious risk of severe harm or death.

Sorry if I am going against the consensus, but I think your sister needs help and support. She is married to a monster. Who could treat a dog like that, let alone a baby. I hope and pray for your sake that they split up. She is probably terrified of him.

I understand your OH's concerns, but I do not think you should allow him to dictate the terms of your relationships with your family. There is no reason why your sister should not have supervised visits to your child. She probably is devastated that her own sister could believe that she could harm her child, as are your parents, which you strongly implied by suggesting the lie detector. Your sister needs your support right now, and having this may give her the courage to leave the relationship.

You say that the situation has caused problems with your marriage, so I would suggest counselling as a couple in the first instance. Maybe a trained and independent counsellor can show DH that he is actually being unreasonable here. In any event, you could talk through the issues in hopefully a calm and neutral environment.

To be honest from your post your partner sounds like he could be a lot more understanding.

It sounds like a nightmare scenario and I don't think anyone can really understand it unless they've been through it. Poor you.

It sounds like a relationship with your family is important to you. Could you maybe try to explain your fears to your mum and suggest letting your sister meet your baby (supervised obviously).

It's hard to tell but I feel a degree of sympathy for your sister. If it was her partner she must have really serious issues to remain with him even if it's that she doesn't want to believe it.

In my work I've heard of an organisation called Family Rights Group. I wonder if their helpline could offer you some advice?

Good luck

I would echo earlier suggestions that you get some counselling. From the start of your thread I wondered if there was an unhealthy dynamic in your family. It might help if you read about Toxic Families.
Your family might be "not that bad" but their strong favouring of your sister seems to be unhealthy.

Shard
She probably is devastated that her own sister could believe that she could harm her child, as are your parents, which you strongly implied by suggesting the lie detector. Your sister needs your support right now, and having this may give her the courage to leave the relationship.

I would suggest that seeing her 7 week old baby with broken ribs suffered on two separate occasions should really have given the sister courage to leave her H or at least repudiate him and co-operate fully with SS in making sure the H does not lay his hands on the baby ever again. The sister stands to lose her baby to the foster system unless she is willing to work with them to get the abuser out of their lives, if that person is her H.

The sister and the OP's parents are instead clinging to talk of accidents and third parties and making this situation into a drama involving taking sides. They have lost sight of the fact that someone used considerable force on a tiny infant.

I sincerely hope SS have not forgotten that. The truth really is important here because a baby's life may depend on getting to the bottom of who did this to him.