Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

Sorry that you're finding things hard today. For what it's worth I do think that you're doing the right thing. Your priority has to be your baby and their safety. Your nephew has been badly injured. You don't know how or who's responsible (save that it's likely to be something to do with your sister and her partner) and you need to make sure that the same thing cannot happen to your child. It sounds like your sister and parents are hiding their heads in the sand about what has happened to your nephew and are dealing with it by blaming the only people who are facing it squarely. It's a horrible situation for you.

Thank you emily.

I do agree with you. But its so so hard.

I miss them so much and just wish this had never happened.

How do people ever get over stuff like this?

Iv never felt pain like it

It doesnt help that my husband is so angry and bitter about it all.

We spent christmas on our own as my parents went to my sisters.

Again my daughter is missing out.

I got the most passive aggressive xmas card from my mum. It made me cry and i wish id never opened it.

I should have known better, but i keep hoping theyl do the right thing.

I just want them to pick up the phone or drop by and say how sorry they are for everything. But they think me and OH are in the wrong

Your absolute primary responsibility is to your child. End of.

If it involves you in difficult decisions and situations then that is very unfortunate but cannot be avoided. Well done for being a real parent.

Of course she is. She's my world and id never put her in harms way.

I just feel really alone with having no other family to talk to.

I'm so sorry for you. Do you have any extended family that you could try and spend time with to make you feel less alone? How about your OH's family? Good friends can also fill the gap.

I do. But didnt want to bother anyone on boxing day with my horrible mess of a life.

This is another reason why my parent hate me and OH, we told some people what was going on as we needed advice/support.

My parents are furious about that. Its honestly unbelievable

How has the fact that your nephew isn't living with his parents been explained to the wider family? I am surprised that your sister is still living with her partner. Is she isn't responsible for your nephew's injuries then she must know he is. Is it worth trying to talk some sense into your parents. Aren't they worried that your sister's partner might hurt her. Is it the right thing to do to help her cover up for him?

Theyre managing it by being really sneaky and huge amounts of lies.

My nephew is allowed two nights at my sisters house so those days help it look to the neighbours that he lives there permanantly.

My sis is a professional and we are (well were) a decent family. Honestly no one would ever guess whats going on.

They also dont really have any friends (sis/bil and my parents) or any family that visit so its not been too bad for them yet.

My bil family have disowned them.

I do wonder what will happen at the next funeral/wedding.....il be expected to lie and pretend we're a happy family.

Thank you for chatting with me emily. Its really helping

I imagine the situation is very hard for your sister, who would want to believe a father could harm his child? As others have said surely the easier less confrontational solution was to ensure he is never alone with your own child. Maybe your parents are not confrontating the situation as if they alienate your sister and her OH then they can’t check on your nephew?

Im sure its devastating for my sister. But she unfortunatley hasnt done herself many favours by not looking like she wants to know the truth.

My OH and I were very good to them initially (even taking on my nephew for a week whilst my parents were on holiday- they treated us terribly tho - wanting to stay for all hours at our house and expecting us to not supervise them 24/7. I was also 6mths pregnant at the time, suffering terrible sickness and trying to look afyee their 3mknth old baby!)

We really didnt think we were being unfair asking for a polygraph. We were going to pay for it too.

If they truely dont know how this happened then what are they worried about.

My sisters answer is that it could have been anyone that harmed him and ss have just picked on them coz they are the parents

I suppose a big part of it is also the level of covering up/lies .

And then cutting me and my daughter out their life for 5 months that my OH is so angry about.

This devastated me. I was a new mum, i just wanted to have my mum.

But because we told some people what was happening and dared to ask for a polygraph- we are the bad ones

For goodness sake how many people does a 7 week old baby come into contact with?? It is highly likely that the broken ribs were caused by a primary care giver...so either or SIS or BL
There is a small chance of some sort of bone issue but I assume this has been checked for??
Don't really understand your parents reaction at all but that's up to them, hard as it is on you
I am with your OH on this and would not want any of them around

OP you poor thing. It sounds like the lies are making you really uncomfortable. Does all the lying and covering up really protect your sister. Doesn't it just enable her to pretend her partner isn't actually a danger to her baby, and maybe to her?

Yeah exactly. I also dont understand that if theyre so convinced it was all a big accident (twice) then why cant we tell anyone

All possible medical conditions have been ruled out and he was born by c-section

OP are you able to get any support from the people you have told the truth to? You sound like you could really do with it.

This is a definite concern emily.

I did broach that with my sis (parents were there) as i was worried he was maybe abusive. But she said absolutely not and iv not witnessed anything to make me think otherwise.

It’s highly unlikely that this could have happened accidentally twice unless the child has something like osteoporosis (which presumably has been checked for), which means it’s probably deliberate and it’s significantly more likely to be the parents than anyone else who did it simply because of the amount of access they’d need. This means your sister probably either did it or is covering for her partner. In those circumstances you are completely correct for not allowing them near your child. Even allowing for the possibility of accident, I simply wouldn’t take the risk if I were you. I personally wouldn’t be happy letting either of them see my child under the supervision of others either, I just wouldn’t see it as worth the risk.

I think your parents are being unfair to you. I can see how they’re in a difficult position as they don’t want to believe that their daughter is statistically probably either complicit in or an active part of child abuse, but they should accept that your concern isn’t unreasonable and is entirely your choice to make. SS obviously didn’t think it was an accident after all.

Your parents should be willing to have a relationship with both of you. Have you tried calling them over Christmas? You might have to make the first move on this unfortunately.

I am thank you emily.

This has been ongoing for nearly 18months now and has affected every aspect of my life.

My own marriage is suffering terribly and its tainted the whole first year or my daughters life.

I have been to counselling and am on meds for it but every so often i get terrible anxiety and start doubting that iv made the right decision. - hence the posts on here recently.

Today has been triggered as i got a text from my sister thanking me for my nephews xmas present. Im just so sad

Sorry should add this is the first contact iv had with her in 6 months (since she threw me out her house coz i broached the idea of a lie detector)

I have no experience of this but i agree with hellsbells. In this situation I would continue to see my family and allow them to see my child as long as I was there to supervise, especially as you say that they are good people. Not a popular opinion on here it seems, at the end of the day you have to go with your gut, you know your family best, only you really know if contact is the best thing for your child.

I agree that the injuries must have been a primary care giver. Either your sister or her partner. Even if it was accidental (and I don't see how) that would imply a massive level of neglect which is a huge concern in itself. Especially if not admitted. I mean, many people have a near miss. They turn their back for a minute and their toddler grabs at a hot cup of tea. They put their previously fairly immobile baby on the bed and that's the moment they learn to roll over. But you acknowledge it, thank God that it wasn't worse and make sure that it never happens again. If neither your sister or her partner will say how it happened then it could happen again. I do worry that your sister's partner lost his temper and was rough with the baby.

Emily that is my opinion. They didnt hide the fact that they were struggling as new parents. My nephew had colic and reflux and my bil was doing everything, up all night and working full time. The last time we saw them before this was discovered they looked terrible and i even discussed with my parents how we were concerned that he would lose his job. Never for a second did i expect this tho.

My OH thinks that my sis wasnt coping and put a lot of expectation on bil and therefore knows how this hppened. Thats why he doesnt want her around our daughter. He is convinced she knows what happened and is covering it up.

Im not convinced of this, i think she is in denial. This is where we are clashing and arguing.

Add in my parents behaviour to the mix....its not hard to see why im such a mess

Deadringer- this is where im struggling as honestly my life would be easier if i could just seen sis with my daughter.

But that would be the end of my marriage. And analysing everything that has gone on, i really cant blame my OH.

My sister and her actions/decisions have ruined my life. Yet she thinks i should be apologising to her.

Its all such a mess

My first thought was osteoporosis but you have already said that all possible medical conditions have been ruled out.

May I ask...?

Where is BIL living now?

How come nephew stays over night at sister's house twice a week?

What is happening with regards to the CP process?

Does SS know how much (probably insufficiently supervised contact) sister is having with nephew?