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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, no idea what to do

199 replies

1974Nadia · 17/12/2017 20:06

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

OP posts:
CarliseT · 17/12/2017 20:13

OP, I really feel for you! So sorry you are going through such a terrible time especially so close to Christmas and his family coming over. All I can say to you is to stay strong - go for a walk and gather your thoughts. Do some physical exercise, no need to confront him or contact the other woman.

Sending you love!

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/12/2017 20:15

Well you certainly shouldn’t have got any abuse Flowers for one thing you have had enough of that from the waste of oxygen you’re ‘engaged’ to.

You know there is only one solution to this. Break it off, as soon as possible. Is the house in joint names? Do you have savings of your own? I would get some legal advice first but with an unbreakable resolve to leave.

AFistfulOfDolores · 17/12/2017 20:16

OP, are you in therapy? If you aren't, then that's the first and only recommendation I'd make - because it is the only one that's going to get you out of this mess.

Flowers
user1493413286 · 17/12/2017 20:18

I’m so sorry this is happening but I really think you need to leave him. He’s not going to stop doing this and it’s not your fault. You deserve so much better.
Cancel his family, see yours, talk to your friends and plan how you’re going to leave. Tell him you need some space and work out how you can leave from a practical point of view.

category12 · 17/12/2017 20:21

Well of course you should act normal, it is your normal. He cheats. You stay.

Bambamrubblesmum · 17/12/2017 20:31

You need to let go. This man isn't for you.

Of course it will be painful but so will another 10 years of this.

It sounds like he's going to walk away anyway so best thing to do is get legal advice to find out where you stand with the house.

Do you have family and friends nearby?

Original poster
1974Nadia · 17/12/2017 20:36

My family is away this year. I don't really have anyone but him, he's been my whole world. I prefer to spend time with him over anyone else. I have nobody nearby. I am completely alone. I recognise I've changed but it was because of his behaviour. But I shouldn't have changed and continued it for years and years why did I ever think he'd be happy. It was pointless punishing him for years after I decided to stay. I'm so unhappy. I am dealing with it this time differently, not angrily. But it's too late. I can't compete with a much younger woman who is telling him I am awful and she and he will be great. It's just so false in an affair situation it isn't real life.

OP posts:
Marveldc · 17/12/2017 20:38

I'm so sorry. You are a strong woman if you have been through this before but you are strong enough to get through this time. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
He doesn't deserve you.
Try not to care about what he is doing, most probably he is screwing up his life. Focus on what you want in life, the end of a relationship is very difficult. But it means the beginning of something new and that can be exciting. Don't waste more of your time on this guy who is not respecting you. You can get through this and find someone who does respect you. Counselling is also very important to help deal with these issues he has created in you such as distrust. I have been cheated on at the worst possible time in my life, I gave him another chance but the feelings of distrust never went even after therapy and years of trying to make it work. Please think of yourself.
Thanks

Original poster
1974Nadia · 17/12/2017 21:52

I have nobody else. We just moved home and it is so lovely. It cost a fortune to move and it has been such a waste. I have nowhere to go and this is the only place I have ever felt happy and safe until I found out what he's doing. I don't want to lose him, my home, my everything I feel as if my whole world is collapsing. I just don't want to go on :(

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 17/12/2017 22:02

Do you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you

SandyY2K · 17/12/2017 22:03

This won't end well because you've handed him control over you.

It seems like he cheats as a habit and because ypu stick around....he won't stop. He's said he doesnt want to marry you, so I don't see that there's anything left to say.
What the OW says is irrelevant...it's your so called fiance who you should be facing.

He who cares the least in the relationship has the most power. remember that

... and people treat you how you let them. You've indicated through your actions, that it's okay to treat you this way.

It's over with you and him surely?

Cricrichan · 17/12/2017 22:13

You're not married. You don't trust him. He's cheating on you. He says he doesn't want to marry you.

It's really simple. Split up. Sell the house. A house doesn't make you happy. You've no children either. Move on with your life and if you are with someone, it should be with someone where there is mutual love and trust.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 11:52

I'm so lost. He's planning on moving her in here but still says he is giving me a chance, if I let him get his head clear. He just won't be honest with me and denies anything is going on with them. But I've got proof. I can't confront him with it he has such a temper I'm scared to. I'm in total limbo. I feel safe here, I am so scared of losing him and my home and all I held dear I just don't know how to pick myself up. He earns a lot more than I do and has obviously contributed more and I am scared how I will cope. He sold my crappy car and put the proceeds towards a sport car which he resents me driving. I left what would have been a much more highly paid job to play a supporting role to him as we couldn't both work stupid hours and so my earnings are hampered by that. I'd be earning a lot more now if I'd stayed in my old job. I'm so frightened. I think he has been plotting this, get me to buy an expensive house with him, get me to do all the work - he never cleans tidied or does anything at all, it is all down to me, I do everything and I do the decorating which I'm very good at - and then get me out and move her in! I've chosen all the lights, furnishings, he pays but I've made it a home, or started to, and now I'm going to have to leave it's just so unfair I feel the rug has been completely pulled from under me. I'm so humiliated because I'm sure everyone he works with (and she works with) knows and they're in my old line of work so they will all know it is me he is doing the dirty on. Sorry for the long post I'm just struggling to get my head straight :(

OP posts:
category12 · 18/12/2017 11:56

Get some legal advice about getting your contributions to the house recognised and apply for that better job.

You might lose out financially, but that's not the worst thing. Far worse to be treated like this.

FurryDogMother · 18/12/2017 12:06

One thing I certainly wouldn't be doing is hosting his family for Christmas. If I had enough money I'd go book myself into a hotel for the duration, or perhaps contact family who are away and ask if you can use their home in the meantime. The next thing I would do is walk away from this relationship - it's never going to come right, it's over. Consult a solicitor about your financial rights regarding the house, but be prepared to be entitled to nothing, if it's all in his name. Start looking for a better job, and get away from him as soon as possible, without ever looking back.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2017 12:06

Um, OP, why are you having to leave? Have a bit of respect for yourself and stand up for yourself! Tell him to feck off and that you're staying in YOUR HOME. That you have made.

Speak to a solicitor.

What is your financial situation?

Do you work? Have you contributed to the house financially?

You need to start getting clued up on this NOW.

Why on earth would you want to stay with this cheating little shit anyway?

Find our your rights.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2017 12:07

And yes, cancel Christmas. Why are his family still coming to you if he's off with the other woman? Just sounds like torture.

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 12:21

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us/about-the-call?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5877z8WT2AIVlRgbCh1vaQ9SEAAYASAAEgJpf_D_BwE

You can get through this. It will be devastating at first but in the long term your life will be much happier.
Living day to day wondering if he is cheating again to the point of snooping etc is not a good way to live.
Give him space, lot's of it.

Make contact through a solicitor.

Are you close to his family? Could they support you both through the break up?

Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 12:24

I work. I have a good job but he's always paid more for everything because he was able to and we were a partnership. We don't do expensive holidays or anything really. He's always pumping cash into his pension. Our plans - until now (he is saying now he never planned to retire with me abroad which is the first I've heard of it, it's been our plan for a decade) have always been to retire abroad and I don't have a pension to speak of, we were meant to be a team. I intended to sell a tiny house I have from before we met when we retired to fund my contribution to our life as a retired couple. I can't believe he is just whitewashing all our plans. I'm so beyond devastated I just can't seem to do anything but wander around the house in tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 12:29

I love his family. They are wonderful. I wouldn't say we are close because our lives have been so busy, mainly revolving around him. He doesn't have a close relationship with them. He hardly speaks to them. Part of the reason for buying this house was to ensure that, if necessary, my disabled mother could move in with me when necessary. He wouldn't have liked it but he knew that was an option as she lives miles away. So now I'm worried about her too. It's just a nightmare.

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 18/12/2017 12:29

He repeatedly cheats on you and you’re still there. Cancel his family coming over. Tell them why. Then get rid of him. You will find someone who loves you that isn’t a cheating **.

IndieTara · 18/12/2017 12:33

Lots of people giving you good advice op

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 12:33

You own another house?

Is it being rented out? If so start proceedings to get it back.

category12 · 18/12/2017 12:34

He really has feathered his nest at the expense of yours.

On the bright side, you have your own asset in the tiny house and you may be able to extract some money from the house you have together. It's shit, but you have a good job and the opportunities you rejected for his sake you can now pursue.

gamerchick · 18/12/2017 12:35

I think you need to see a solicitor OP. You have more rights than you think you do. Find out what those are and use it to take some control back. YOU are in charge of your future not him. It's time to take it back from him.

There will come a point where you're glad he's out of your life even if you can't imagine it yet.