Please help, no idea what to do

[1974Nadia]

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

Who is dr foster?

Oh god thank you all I don't know what I'd do without your messages. I think I'd be history by now. Thank you all.

Just take one step at a time. The house, finances, your living arrangements will be sorted so don't panic. Just quietly and calmly gather the relevant documentation pertaining to all financial matters and when you're ready, find someone, preferably your solicitor, to discuss it all with but know it will be sorted and you will be ok. Don't dwell on what he says it has says about what you've contributed, your solicitor will guide you. What ever your DP says is irrelevant now, you're the most important person in your life right now, YOU. In any case, why would you listen to anything he says now right? I mean he cannot be trusted, he's proven he cannot be trusted so now you'll find someone who can be and they'll look after your best interests.

OP, hi,this isn't going to end in you two living happily ever after.
You say you feel safe in your new home,but if you cannot afford to stay there without him it isn't real.
Cancel his family for a start.they are his responsibility not yours.
Establish how you stand financially,don't let him take more than he is entitled to.
Then start a new life without him.
One day,you will find a man who loves you unconditionally,who makes you smile,who makes you feel the most beautiful woman in the world.
Then you will look back and wonder why the hell you put up with this two timing creep.
I'm sorry if this is no what you want to hear but it's tough love.he really isn't worth another seconds thought.
Be strong.it will get better but you have to walk away.
🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

You've had some good advice, and you've made an important first step by calling a solicitor.

When he's out, copy all of the important documents you can find - anything to do with the house, pension, savings.

I know you're not married but he won't have everything his own way, just ignore everything he says or threatens to do; he is no longer your friend and you can't trust him.

You'll get there eventually, as we all do.

And Doctor Foster is the lead in a tv drama of the same name, who takes spectacular revenge on her unfaithful husband. The first series was quite empowering, the second not so much.

You'll get there, you will x

This man isn't monogamous (along with the majority of humans but lets not side track.)

He has very clearly shown you that he will continue having sex with other people.

If you are not okay with that, then make arrangements to leave him .

Contact his family. Tell them your partner is cheating on you and they will have to make alternative arrangements for Christmas.

But first, get copies of all the important house, bank account, financial info. Contact a solicitor. Find out your rights. And get fucking angry - this is the bloke who’s meant to love you? And he’s shitting all ove you and has lied to you! Bastard.

Just wanted to say: he doesn't love the ow either. He is incapable of loving anyone, not just you.

Keep going, one foot in front of the other. Have you seen your gp? You need some support in these first weeks of immense shock

His messages to her are just heartbreaking for me. All things he used to say to me, same words exactly. Doesn't even refer to me by name I just "she" or "her" and brande a total villain. How they can't wait to be together and get me and her husband out of their lives and live happily ever after. He's even taking about kids with her which he never wanted with me. I'm beyond mortified I feel like I'm dying.

How do you know all the contents of their messages?

Don't ask but I have seen them all :(

@1974Nadia yes I saw messages too. Filthy smutty messages and I just couldn't believe what I was reading. Once the shock goes, because it will, you'll be meh about him and them. It's just that it's a total shock right now.

Take each hour at a time and if you feel overwhelmed, ring the Samaritans. You're not alone ok?

They're loving! All things he used to say to me :( and talking about children which he's never wanted it's awful :(

In a similar sort of situation to you OP, he keeps
Thinking about his decision etc and I have shouted, screamed, confronted the OW (which I have apologised to her about directly because she was none the wiser and bore the brunt of my upset at the time) it is bloody hard when it is
All you know and have ever wanted but I have made the decision now
Me and the DC are not going back to him, he's done this too
many times to me now and I need to get some self respect before everyone completely loses sympathy with me as I just continue to allow it to happen and always fight to make it work - I don't have the energy to fight anymore I know I deserve so much better , it's hard OP but you need to do it xx

I understand your pain. I found out nearly 3 weeks ago my husband had been having an affair. We've been together 15 years and married 7. His affair has been at least the last year! How did I not know!!! We have a 6yo together. We bought our first home 1 1/2 years ago and I don't know if I can remortgage on my wage!!!! I've kicked him out but I can't stop crying, can't eat or sleep and feel anxious all the time.
Have to civil for our little one. I haven't shouted or anything.
I do t know how to go on and can see no positive future without him in it but it is definitely over I dont deserve to be treated like that.

It's so hard. I'm feeling stronger today as he tells lie after lie. Expecting me to just accept he has a girlfriend, denying they are serious when I know they spent the day at a hotel only yesterday and when he's planning a family with her and talking of marriage! All the while berating me about why we never married - my fault - and how he's been unhappy and wishes he'd left a decade ago. He has left me feeling I have no self worth, no confidence, no joy, no belief, abandoned and childless with no prospect of children. And he smirks at me and smiles slyly at my obvious pain and distress, telling me off repeatedly for asking him the same questions and telling me if I'm trying to win him over this week has been disastrous. Rolling his eyes if I am tearful. I can't imagine treating a stranger or even an enemy with such contempt. I am beginning to hate him, if that's possible given how loved he is. I just don't know what his game is when he clearly wants her. What am I for?

He is clearly enjoying your misery. That is good if it is serving to make you angry, but think about what sort of person he must be. You have found out now and not wasted any more of your short life on him. I wouldn't be that ow for anything, she will be living this at some point. Start being practical, and stop showing him how sad you are.

What a disgusting little man.

You've wasted far too much time on him already - I know you think you still love him, but it must have been a shitty relationship to begin with if you always had to be on the lookout for his children.

He basically used you as a housekeeper who enabled him to pursue his sexual adventures.

Thank God you aren't married and that your name is on your current house. You'll get something out of it - contributions don't always have to be financial I believe

You have your little house too - fantastic that you have that asset he can't touch.

Stop wibbling and start getting angry. Squeeze everything you're entitled to out of him. Don't give an inch. Don't be nice or think of his feelings. He is not your friend. He has treated you appallingly and you owe him absolutely nothing. I'm sure his family are lovely, but if you are still planning on hosting them, don't make his excuses and lie for him. A nice smile over pudding, and "I'm sorry to say this, but Mr Cunt has met someone else so this will be the last Christmas we spend together. I'd just like you all to know I've valued your friendship over the years"

Start thinking of the life you want. A flat by the sea, a pet, a new job, travel? You're employable and you have assets - there's no reason why your dreams can't be reality. Think of the peace you'll find after the pain of the break up is over andbyou are no longer checking over your shoulder in case he is shagging around.

You've wasted enough time with this man, don't give him any more of you.

"on the lookout for his children" should be "cheating", don't know what happened there!

You’ve been denial for far too late and as expected, it hasn’t protected you from the realities of being with a selfish serial cheat. But I luuurve him is a cop out, it excuses your refusal to accept who your fiancé is.

There isn’t a alternative universe where he’s different and you have to ask yourself, if putting all your eggs in such a high risk basket was a wise strategy.

This man repeatedly treats you like crap because he’s an arsehole and he knows you will take it. Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics and yours appears to be doormat.

There are no prizes to be had in the pick me dance off.

He is desperately cruel.

Please, I beg you, get away from him. You have attached your self worth to him, a worthless piece of shit.

Please get away from him so you can heal.

I really feel for you, what an awful situation!

Put on your game face and sneer "win you over? Pffft." You need to build up a head of righteous rage and fuck you fuck you fuck you as a mantra.

Did the solicitor call back?

Is your little house being rented out? Can you go to it?

Girl you need out of there, this is awful abuse!

I've been where you are op, not exactly the same situation but the physical reaction of distress and feeling like I was dying from the mistreatment I was receiving.

You must, MUST get away from him. You can't stay at his side.

Can you explain what is holding you back from leaving so that we can help you? You can't be in his vicinity, he is hurting you and it will damage you so much. You ask what you are for, to him, understand that folk tend to take a lot of sick pleasure in punishing the "villain" in their life.

He's set you up as a villain and it makes him feel good to punish you and see you suffer.

I can't imagine how awful it is to hear that but you've got to face it because you need to get away from him. Before he kills you with his cruelty.

How can we help you get out of this loop of interacting with him?