Please help, no idea what to do

[1974Nadia]

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

Just the first sentence of your post screams that you already know deep down you need to get rid of this man OP. His treatment of you has been staggeringly cruel and it's understandable that his disgusting behaviour has now brought you to your knees.

Right now you probably can't see the wood for the trees, but please heed some of the great advice you've been given on here: it really is time to get angry and fight back. This man's ego has been feasting on your adulation and your unwitting enablement of his truly crappy behaviour. Enough now: try to harness that inner fury that's simmering beneath your pain and show him you mean business. Please, please cancel the hellish-sounding Christmas plans to entertain his family!

It isn't going to be easy or quick to detach from him, but you're stronger than you think and it will so be worth it in the end.

Op, you need to be really honest with yourself and figure out exactly what it is that you 'love' in this situation. If it's the man that said wonderful things to you at the beginning of the relationship then you need to acknowledge that he is not, and never has been, a real person. He was a character your despicable partner played while he thought you had something that he wanted, and he has played this character time and time again for other women. The real man is the one you see today. What is there to love about him? He is cruel, uncaring and deeply, deeply selfish. You can love a fantasy that will never be real, no matter how much you want it to be. It's time to accept this fully and look at what you want your life to be without him in it. This is scary and you may feel like there is a void, but you can choose to fill that void with whatever you want. What do you like to do? How do you like to spend your time? Which other people are important to you? Fill your void with all those things to see what your life could look like.

On a practical note, you have a job and an income. You can always take refresher courses or do more training to get back into the career you gave up. You have a property of your own and he can buy you out of your current house if he really wants it, which gives you further capital. Otherwise you can sell and split the proceeds.

You don't have to deal with this all at once or immediately, but you need to start detaching from your fantasy future with a man who does not exist. Whenever you start to feel fear that you are losing him, stop and check the facts:

He is not the man you fell in love with as that man was an act.
He will never change.
You are afraid of the unknown, not of losing the life you have as it is utterly miserable.
You can make the void into something you truly want.
You are not helpless. Practically, you have an income and property. You can seek financial advice, and you can seek counselling for emotional support.
And most importantly, you deserve more than what he is capable of giving you. He cannot give you a happy life, you need to give it to yourself.

Good luck OP, you can do this

I've just told him I know about the affair in detail and that he took her to a bloody Travelodge last week. He has gone completely mental, shouting, says I will have the biggest battle and I will never get him out of this house, says he's paid far more and has far more equity and that I can just F off is I don't like it. I told him it doesn't work that way and that I had seen a lawyer. He said in that case either I or my F/info cats may have an unfortunate accident. I am becoming genuinely scared of him, I can't believe how venomous and nasty he is. I have spoken to my Cattery who have said they can take the cats into one of the contagion pens if I need them to. I just need to work out where I'm going to go. I'm scared to leave he house in case it prejudices my claim.

If he's threatening you with an "unfortunate accident" I think it's time to go to the police, I know they can't really do a lot about a threat with no tangible proof but they might end up having a word with him which would show if you're serious.

He sounds utterly evil. I hope you really have seen a solicitor and are making plans to get out asap

This sounds horrible, but meant kindly. I hope his behaviour now makes you wake up to what a vile excuse for a man you 'love'. And that you soon don't.

You may want him but you do not need him. I suspect your life will become a whole lot better without him in it.

I would log his threats with the Police, show him that you are not going to take his shit.

I am a bit of a hot head so I think others may disagree, but I would message the other woman and let her know that you are aware of the affair. I would also let her know that he has threatened you and that she is welcome to him but you have things to sort before their plans of moving into your house can come to fruition. Ask if her husband has any timescale in mind when he wants her to be out by!

If you believe that he is capable of harming you then call the Police (and don't do the above).

You are going to be absolutely fine, you may not believe that at the moment but it is true.

Straight to the police regarding that threat. Has he ever been violent? A push or shove? A poke or prod? He will tell you it's a 'joke' a bit of 'banter'.

Threatening and abusive behaviour may help you get him out the house.

Log the threats. Even doing that I imagine will protect you if you do have to leave and encounter any issues on your claim.

*disclaimer - I have no idea if it WILL help, but keep a trail and log everything.

Go to the police.

Call the non emergency police number and seek their advice. Don't stop at 1 solicitor, grab your phone and go for a walk, keep calling people until you get through to someone. He's a waste of space and it sounds as though you have probably been abused for years. This is probably the best thing that could have happened (although it won't seem like it now) I suspect when you are free of this man you will realise how bad things were. You can do this. This too shall pass.

He has shoved me a few times because I don't like tonpart on an argument and he says incorner him. I suppose I do. I just hate when he storms out when we fight.

You absolutely have to understand here, that you wont be living with him much longer. This misery has to end, it's going to, it just is a case of "when" now.

Nadia, can you go to your other house? Is there anywhere you can go?

You have to start making plans. Now.

You absolutely need to go to the police and tell them he has threatened the lives of both you and your pets.

@1974Nadia Now you're REALLY seeing him! He's finally out in the open! Scary shit isn't it! He was nice in your eyes but because he doesn't have to pretend he's nice anymore because has a back up plan (OW) he doesn't give a shit and this is the venom you're seeing now.

No matter what happens, your SAFETY is the main thing here. I have goosebumps tbh because I'm scared for you. How he is with you; he might see you as somebody who is standing in his way to his personal happiness and that isn't good.

Please don't panic and let the situation take hold of you. Calmly ring the police. This way he'll see that you cannot be messed around/abused anymore. You'll have created a boundary around yourself. Get the advise from the police.

Staying safe is more important than your claim on the house.

Report his threats to the police. Then get your cats and yourself to somewhere safe.

Well, he doesn't like to be stood up to does he? Well done op. Hopefully you can see him now for what he is. A silly little man who when cornered comes up with a horrible threat like that! The ow is welcome to him.Get angry inside and it will get you through the initial stages of protecting yourself and seeking advice. Grieve later for those lost years.

What? "to win him over"?? Does he really think he's such a prize? Well, he's more like something nasty and smelly on one's shoe that needs to be got rid of. ASAP. His girlfriend can have him, really, and she can enjoy him until he'll find someone else, as he doesn't seem to be the type to change his cheating ways overnight. He cheated on you with other women, he's been cheating on you with her, he'll cheat on her eventually, no worries. You are so much better off without an arsehole like him.

And yes, now he's showing his true colours. I'd call 101 and ask for advice. Tell them about his threats. And inform him that you have talked to police too, just in case he has any "ideas" about causing "accidents" to anyone. He'll know you mean business and won't allow him to treat you like a doormat. And definitely talk to a lawyer about everything you can get from this relationship and your rights to the house. However, you do have a property on your name, you have a job, you have skills, you have yourself and your dignity, so things are very doable and you are in a better position that a lot of other people in this situation. You have done nothing wrong and you deserve so much more. You can do it, you can get away from this abusing relationship, and one day you may find someone that can really appreciate you and love you.

He has to be either a malignant Narcissist or a psychopath. OP please google and youtube these personality disorders to learn exactly what you're dealing with here. You need to get out and get no contact as soon as you can. And learn how to grey rock him whilst you're still there. Confronting him like this is just more fuel for him and incredibly dangerous for you if he senses you are waking up to who he really is and his tactics. Google some of these keywords. The scales will fall off your eyes and the information could save you.

Speak to women's aid. You are in an abusive relationship and can't see the wood for the trees.

He ordered a bed for family coming at Christmas today and has out it up. He has just sent pictures to her telling her it is their new play bed. This is my home. They are awful the pair of them. They are talking about holidaying with our mutual friends and she has told colleagues who know of me, at least, what is going on. It is so humiliating. I hear you all. I'm just trying to get my head straight :(

Grunkle, I don't know. I think it's just the time and the fact it is such a shock to have moved into a lovely house, veennso hally, fresh start and for this to happen or begin to happen almost right away. It's just so hard to comprehend my heart doesn't want to believe it. We paid so much money wasted in stanp duty from the equity from our old house to sell within a year is such a waste. I felt safe here, I love it here. It is such a wrench to lose him and my home. I know I'm an idiot. I know he is treating me appallingly. He acts as if I should be grateful he is still here and considering giving me a chance! Me! While he openly carries on with some married tart! And he expects me to acquiesce in that. I want to tell her but I know it will escalate things and he is so full of rage I am worried about doing it. I don't know if it would make me feel better, but just for her to know what a wanker he is because I know he's said I am to blame and he is unhappy. Is she so naieve not to realise every cheat says home isn't great and blames their partner? They would look even more like arseholes if they admitted all was ok at home and they were cheating anyway. It grieves me that he plans to move her in here and that she is agreeing to that an planning with him! What sort of woman is she?! She's bloody married and hasn't left her husband yet. I think they are both waiting for their respective partners to leave so they don't look like total see you next tuesdays. I know I'm being weak. I will get there. It's just been such a shock. My brain hasn't kicked in yet. I'm so grateful for all the support on here. It really helps me and makes me feel better, stronger. Thank you all. X

Nadia, Listen pleaase get out of there it won't affect the rights to the house etc this bloke sounds a real nutter just get away from him and do it before it gets worse this is not right whats happening to you not right at all!

You need to call the police and get out of there YESTERDAY. Tell them what he said to you. Put your cats in the cattery for safety.

Speak to his family. Tell them what he's been doing, explain that Christmas isn't happening there and that you're leaving for your own safety.

He's shouting and threatening you because he knows you have a right to the house regardless. So fuck him because he's a piece of shit, and an abusive arsehole.

If you can get proof of his messages to keep, then do so. Evidence is key, but above all your safety is paramount.

Monicablinf I know he is. I think he is a sociopath or a narcissist. Maybe both. I realised a while ago has he has absolutely zero empathy. He is blank when it suits him when most would be hurting. He just feels nothing. I read some books about it.

@1974Nadia

I asked my H after he dumped me why he was making plans to do the garden just before he left and he said he thought he needed a project to keep his mind off things.....so your partner buying the new home might of been him thinking things would improve between you two once you moved into this lovely home?