Please help, no idea what to do

[1974Nadia]

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

google "dating a sociopath". He has made you addicted to him, you are chasing the high of the good times "when he was good, he was very, very good. When he was bad he was horrid". He used your equity to purchase the house, probably believing that he would be able to frighten you away and leave him with the house. You are his feed but he is now in discard, devalue mode and is in the process of replacing you with new feed (this woman). He does believe that he can do no wrong, therefore, it has to be all your fault. All sociopaths are narcissists and as such they cannot and do not, believe that they are wrong. They have no conscience. The power that you have is that he knows that you have legal rights and he wants to take them from you. You need to stop provoking his fear of your strength by telling him what your solicitor said. Keep him calm by pretending to acquiesce, use the grey rock technique. What you are experiencing is not love. He has never loved you and you have loved an impossible dream. Save yourself. Love is always possible in the future, you will be much wiser. He's like cocaine, a high, but not good for you. Like all addicts, you need to go cold turkey. His family won't be surprised if you speak to them, they may even help you.

It wouldn't surprise me if he's doing the 'losing his shit' thing on purpose to frighten you so you'll runaway but Tbf, I would go because living with his dysfunction is not healthy.

Nadia I keep saying it, you need to get out. Now. Why won’t you?

I have nowhere to go. I can't leave my animals. He won't take care of them.

Keep your phone charged at all times and keep it on you so you can call police immediately you need to. As soon as he becomes threatening, ring 999, don't wait for him to actually hurt you or start punching walls or whatever, just call them when he starts losing it.

With luck they'll take him away for a night in the cells, and then you can take steps to ensure he doesn't come back - an occupation order? a non-mol? Something. Anything.

Just be prepared if you're determined to hang around (I do understand your worry about the animals, but there may be alternatives to your just leaving them behind). Good luck.

What animals do you have?
Make arrangements to get them boarded somewhere. Your safety is the most important thing.

I can get them boarded but I can't do it indefinitely and if I move out he won't let me back here I'm sure. I feel so alone.

Regarding your earlier question he is so venamous towards you because he isn’t as clever as he thinks he is and also the fact he isn’t getting his own way.

He is bullying you in order to get what he wants, either an easy life where he can see whomever he pleases or for you to disappear under a rock. He is feeling his power slipping away and is acting out.

If you feel threatened at any point then dial 999. No hesitation.

In the meantime move into spare room if you have one, get a valuation on the house and start legal proceedings.

He is bullying you to get what he wants, get angry internally and start the process without getting distracted by him. There should be nothing that should make you want waste any more of your life on a man like this.

Remember, you are worth more than this.

@1974Nadia

What did the lawyer say about the house?

She said the law is o dear half unless there's a very good reason not to of s declaration of trust saying the extra he paid was intended not to benefit me etc and was to return to him on sale. But he says he will litigate to ensure I get far less even if t means he ends up with nothing too. This man professed to love me and has always been affectionate outwardly it is so cold and heartbreaking tonne in this situation. I feel like his enemy not even just a stranger, never mind what we were to each other. I've read sociopath books before and wondered about him. I've done some more reading and I think he is a narcisstic sociopath. There are so many signs. I'm beginning to think he never cared and my whole life for so long has been a lie.!I'm not sure how to recover from that.

You will recover, but, it will be slow. He has confused your thinking, in order to gain control/advantage. He isn't your whole life, you are still there detached enough to see what he is doing and try to save yourself. He can't rewrite the law. An advantage that you have is that sociopaths don't have much long-term stamina, once he realizes that you will fight for your legal rights, he will find another tactic, because he will be too selfish to waste his money on legal fees. I don't know if it is possible to stay near him and recover from his influence. If he is losing interest in you, it is good, it gives you an opportunity to escape. The world is full of good people and you will find them.

Well you have no hope in recovering until you get away from him, then you can worry about recovery.

I couldn’t quite follow... you are entitled to half? It’s possible he is just trying to scare you into thinking if you left you would get nothing.

Find out what half is and get a solicitor to write to him. Could he afford to buy you off?

I don't want him to buy me out. That's what he wants. They've been making plans to live in the home I made, together. He's been sending her photos of all my things and how I've decorated, telling her she can redecorate! It's awful.

When I says he wants to buy me out I mean he wants to give me a few grand and tell me to leave.

But what else can you do? He’s not going to go, and by the sounds of it you won’t either. It’s a totally stalemate and this is just the beginning.

I wouldn’t write off him buying you out, it’s the far easier course of action for you. But not a few grand obviously, whatever half is plus half the belongings are also yours.

Let them get on with it, it’s only bricks and mortar, you can rebuild another home where you aren’t disrespected like this.

I understand you being upset at losing your home but I fail to see what you are losing when it comes to him. Seems like you will be gaining far more by being free of him.

Let him go, he isn’t worth it... she is welcome to him. He won’t be any different with her in the long run.

Nadia how r u doing? X

My heart goes out to you, I hope you get everything you deserve out of that house and more. Let's hope he gets his karma!

I'm not doing so good. He is being so cold, no emotion at all. I know she has asked him to ensure a period of no contact whilst she tried to sort things out with her husband. He sent her a long message about how happy he will make her, how he will always be hers. I know I'm insane for considering it but I'd like to try to work things out. My only hope is if she says she is going to stay with her husband. I don't know whether to contact her to tell her he is a serial cheat, and ask her not to tell him (she won't want me revealing all to her husband). I fear it is my only hope to salvage what we have. After he gets over the initial loss I feel this time he may come to counselling and work on things with me. Please tell me what to do. But I'm very fragile please don't be too brutal. I'm hurting so badly.

I’m sorry you are not doing very well.

Is there anything this man could do that would make you not want to be with him?

He treats you this badly because you let him and it won’t stop even if you ‘win’ him back.

I’m just at a loss to see where your joy is in all of this. He has completed destroyed your confidence to the point that you probably only feel grateful even for negative attention from him.

He knows exactly what he is doing and he needs more than ‘counselling’.

There's no good reason for the cruelty this man has shown to you. He could have treated you kindly, regardless of his affair, but he hasn't.
So it seems he's basically a cruel man.
You don't want to have him, only if the OW decides to reject him, surely. And it could all start up again at any time.
Make plans to get away from this man.

(as gently as possible) - @Nadia, this is starting to look like a troll thread - you've received about 150 posts in two weeks telling you what to do, I don't think anyone here has seen his POV here or encouraged you to work at salvaging something.

If you are genuine, and that volume of advice hasn't persuaded you, you probably need to look for professional help, which might stand a better chance of getting your head straight and taking some action.

The steps you need to take are simple and straightforward; get your pets sorted, follow the advice of your lawyer, protect yourself (you do have rights) and start to move on with a life. Every single action you need to take right now has been suggested to you on this thread. As long as you continue with "I fear I'm not for this world" mentality you're completely f*cked.

Posting on MN will not help you, taking decisive action will - ultimately, even with all the support in the world (which you've had), nobody can make sort this out except you. There are many many words of hope and help here and you are ignoring all of it - probably why your first thread generated a stiff response.

I know it seems he has done so many bad things I should never want him. I don't know why I do. I'm just so shocked at his lies and his suggestion our relationship is so different to the one I was in. I'm so frightened for my future without him. I am genuine, I am just so scared and alone. I don't have anyone but him. My mother is elderly and frail (part of the reason for buying a bigger house so she could move in when the time came as she lives hours away) and my cats are very old and ill. They're all I've got. I just feel so alone, somehow he seems a better option than being completely alone. I'm trying to listen to the advice and see a way forwards really I am.

Then sorry for being harsh.

Can I suggest you get a pen and piece of paper, then go through the thread from your first response and write down each suggested action - then start working through the list today. It's all you can do. If you take the action your heart might follow - but there is no other option here. Mind over matter, if your head can accept it your heart will get on board.

Your mother would not want this for you. In a month things could look SO much brighter, just make a start. Good luck.

Also - you say this vile person is a better option than being completely alone: firstly clearly he is not, because being alone is fine, just lonely (maybe), being with someone who treats you like sht and makes you feel sht is sh*t - you must be able to see that yourself. But even if you can't see it, you aren't completely alone, you said so yourself - you have your cats and your mother - so pack up the cats with whatever else you need to live and get on over to your mother's! The distance alone will give you a clear head to work through the rest.