Please help, no idea what to do

[1974Nadia]

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

I take it your name is on the house?

I’m with MrsDub - I would rather be on my own than be treated like this. You are very unhappy and I honestly don’t think you would feel happiness if he sticks with you because the OW has dumped him.

Even if you felt lonely on your own you would at least have your self respect back... Please don’t allow him to treat you like this and bully you any more.

My only hope is if she says she is going to stay with her husband. .... After he gets over the initial loss I feel this time he may come to counselling and work on things with me

I suspect what will actually happen, if he does split up from the other woman, is take it out on you. Then move on to the next affair. This man clearly hates you. I'm not sure what else he has to do to make you see that. 🙁

I can't go to my mothers. I have to work and she lives the other end of the country. And we have a tricky relationship. She is a hoarder. Her life is very chaotic and fraught. I hate being in her house. She also has other animals so my cats would be unhappy and unsettled in the chaos.

He’s threatened your animals though?

Nadia he doesn’t want you. He won’t work anything out. This is the harsh reality.
You may feel alone right now but it doesn’t take a lot to change that, hobby groups etc can absolutely change that.

somehow he seems a better option than being completely alone.

He isn't.

Get yourself free.

@1974Nadia

I'm surprised you're still in this predicament. Do you have RLF you can talk to?

What is rlf?

Real life friends

I've spent so long waiting for him to have a free evening, a free half an hour because he works constantly that I have lost touch with so many. I really isolated myself. Or he did. He didn't like most of my friends and because we had so little time together I stupidly chose to spend it with him. I have nobody really. I feel so stupid and alone. It's why I am clinging to him. I know that. I'm lost.

That is typical of an abuser. So much easier to treat someone badly when they have no friends to talk to. He didn’t dislike your friends, he just saw them as barriers to getting you under his thumb and quickest way to get rid of them was to discourage in any way he could.

Have you read the thread that is stickied at the top of this Board? You only need to read the first post. It’s written by Reality, a very highly respected member (who I believe is still around under a different name). Read it when you can, and think carefully about the relationship you have and compare it with the one she’s talking about.

Go and talk to Citizen’s Advice, and phone Women’s Aid. Talk to the Samaritans, to anyone about the reality of your life and relationship.He is not a safe person for you to be around, let alone for your children to be around.

I don't know whether to contact her to tell her he is a serial cheat, - why do you want a serial cheat?

OP - there are worse things than being alone. Being with someone who makes you feel like you do, who treats you like this, is far far worse than being alone. After all, You, by yourself, will never treat you like this!

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. You are far lonelier IN this relationship than you will be, being alone and OUT of it!

Get out. Anywhere. A flat. A houseboat. A council place. Anywhere that is yours and where people don't treat you like shit.

You are toooooo good for him.

He despises you.

He will move onto this OW, break up her marriage and then get bored, move onto someone else... Because he hates women; they are only there for his satisfaction, not for love, not for 'feelings', not for life.

@1974Nadia

What did the solicitor advise you do?

Christ this guy is a GradeA DICK

Nadia, I bet your old friends would be pleased to hear from you. They may even have recognised what was happening when you lost touch, and saw what he was doing.

Try a contact with some of them, say, facebook or similar, just a quick note saying hi.

Nadia he’s really not worth it. He’s bloody horrendous. Honestly he’s dog shit and that’s being kind.

Can you speak with Women’s Aid?

You need to value yourself more.

@MrsDub spot on

another thing.. it's not HIS house.. it's belongs to BOTH of you.. He can't make you leave any more than you can make him leave... do not forget that.. and I'd tell every member of his Family what he is doing..

I've told him I've had enough, that I want out that we must sell the house. He's refusing he says he doesn't want to sell. He backtracked, offered a token amount of affection, before reverting to being nasty and saying that the sooner he got rid of me the better. He fully admits lying to her about marrying her having a child moving into my home and says he will only but for himself. But I'm stuck he won't leave he won't sell I am in total limbo.

In your op you say you've stopped things before by contacting the ow, but you're afraid that if you do that this time, he'll leave.

I think that's exactly what you need to do now. Contact her and pit a stop to things.

He might leave (bet he doesn't), but if he does then you're one step closer to freedom, aren't you?

If he doesn't leave, then you have the upper hand. He can threaten and bluster to his heart's content but you know that's all it is and can stop being frightened that he'll leave, and work out whether you want him to stay.

Then go on the Freedom Programme.

I've thought about it. I've written her so many letters telling her what he's like. I don't think he will leave though as opposed to just being more threatening and nasty with finances. Torn.

I've read through this thread.
And, I'm going to really harsh here and say, you need to grow a backbone.
Do you really want to spend the next couple of years in that hellhole? With him? Crawling, begging for his pathetic attention.
Reclaim your flat and take him to court to force a sale. You have a career, you have stuff you are good at, you are not trapped there with kids...in other words, you will be alright financially.
You are in your 40s, not over the hill.
You have so much potential and more options than a lot of abused women so reclaim your fucking life.

The reason for his anger is not you. It is him. His rage is his alone and he’s projecting it into you. It is classic case of blame shifting and victim blaming. Everything is your fault right? That’s what my cheating wife told me. “All my fault”.

He is actually angry at himself for being caught.

Do what everyone else is saying. Go no contact. Tell him to go be happy with the new woman. Tell him you want nothing more to do with him. Tell him to discuss your finances amicably. No lawyers. If he’s still using rage as a mechasim to control you then tell him that you don’t put up with it anymore.

You need to go no contact for your own sanity.

Meet in a public place to discuss finances. Or pay a fortune via lawyers.

Regarding House. One of you needs to buy the other out. If neither of you can do that, then sell it. Accept the loss and rent on your own.

Don’t let his anger control you. Remain calm and clear in your intent.

It is a business deal.

Zombie thread