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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, no idea what to do

199 replies

1974Nadia · 17/12/2017 20:06

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

OP posts:
January2015 · 23/12/2017 06:02

It’s hard, but let him go.
You will drive yourself insane otherwise.
Let him go and make his mistakes.

DotCottonDotCom · 23/12/2017 08:01

What is this about family coming round?

Please don’t tell me he’s expecting you to entertain his family?

Mxyzptlk · 23/12/2017 09:59

Nadia, please just leave then figure things out afterwards.
Who cares why he does anything? He's treating you disgustingly and has threatened you.
He can figure out what to tell his family. It doesn't matter to you.
Just leave.

monicabling · 23/12/2017 10:48

Oh Nadia, every single book and video I've seen on these creatures says to leave. They can't change. They only get worse. They are a different species, they almost aren't human (they are missing a huge range of emotion that makes us human). You wouldn't invite a Lion into your home or take a crocodile to bed with you and that's essentially what you are doing. Once you truly can see him for the predator he is, you will run and not look back. Read and watch more! Get angry as others have said but don't confront him anymore use it to move out and on. x

Original poster
1974Nadia · 23/12/2017 21:29

DotCotton he expects just that. He's acting as if he will give us one more chance. But we were happy when we bought this house it is all nonsense! Why would you buy a house with someone paying a fortune in stamp duty to leave almost right away if you were unhappy? All the while he is talking to her about my home and her moving in next year and yes she can redecorate! It's mortifying :(

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 23/12/2017 21:34

This is utterly painful! You can’t play happy families, this all sounds utter evil!

Do you have family?

Wrongwayup · 23/12/2017 21:38

Nadia. I had that. We bought what I thought was our perfect family home. He saw it as last chance. The fact that he had ow waiting in the wings was apparently not a factor! X

letsdolunch321 · 23/12/2017 21:55

It is important you tell his family that Christmas at yours is off.

Be a step ahead, get an estate agent to give you a valuation on the property then tell him it has to be sold unless he is willing to give you half of its worth

Twillow · 23/12/2017 22:01

Very very sad for you, he has been using you and letting time pass by with you planning a future which he clearly didn't genuinely share. Feathering his own pension pot - charming. He may well be a nice guy and feel a bit guilty which is why he hasn't let you off his hook so to speak, but you also mention he has a bit of a temper...

I think it's time to find your own inner anger.
And also get to a solicitor pronto. If you love that house, work out a way to keep it. You cannot rely on him or trust anything he says, let's face it.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 24/12/2017 00:49

Bibidee, things were fine when we moved in we were excited. We were getting on perfectly fine. We had been here maybe six weeks when he suddenly started criticising and being angry, raging at me all the time and certainly every weekend almost as if he was deliberately picking fights and could storm out. I think this was after they met. When he has cheated before he has been really angry with me all the time.

OP posts:
Rainbowmother · 24/12/2017 01:28

He cheats, he lies, he has a temper, he's encouraged you to isolate yourself and you suspect he's planned all of this and sneakily got you to do things like sell your car and go for a crapper job. He then expects you to be cool and have his family over while showing no emotion.

I'm just writing out the facts so you can see them without all the other stuff

Rainbowmother · 24/12/2017 01:29

I think I would explode and blurt it all out while carving the turkey. Very eastenders but no way could I just carry on the bullshit show

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 24/12/2017 01:56

Can you not get in touch with her husband and send him all their messages?

innagazing · 24/12/2017 02:13

I think I'd be inclined to first tell the Police about his threats to you, and preempt matters by then calmly informing the OW's husband of the affair. If she decides to leave her husband immediately she won't be able to move into your house because you're still there. Maybe allow the relatives to come over as it 'll buy you a few days and you'll be safer with others around. but make sure you tell them about your cheating lying 'd'p before they leave.
If your dp gets angry again then call the Police. There's a chance that you'll get a non molestation order and he'll be ordered to stay away from you and the house. Then could you make a bid at staying in the house? Could you sell your other property to buy him out and manage the mortgage yourself, possibly renting out a room or doing air bnb etc?

BackInTheRoom · 24/12/2017 10:31

@1974Nadia

We moved in to our new home too! The rot is there for them but we don't see it! They have benchmarks, so his benchmark might have been a new home might make it right. You weren't to know because these people are conflict avoiders. It's only when you prod them they lose their shit! Honestly get the hell out of dodge!

DotCottonDotCom · 24/12/2017 10:43

I’m not so sure telling the OW husband will play the way people expect, I honestly think Nadias husband really doesn’t give that much if a shit and would move her in regardless of Nadia

Mxyzptlk · 24/12/2017 12:50

He's acting as if he will give us one more chance.

Even if he does want to do that, who does he think he is to be "giving" anything? He's the one completely in the wrong.

He wants to get his family's visit over with no problems and thinks he can keep you in line for that.

Trying to put him out of the house, while you stay there, will involve huge amounts of hassle and expense and it most likely wouldn't feel like your safe haven any more anyway.

Get advice on your rights, from a solicitor. Then leave and sort it out from there.

(As it's now Xmas Eve, I'm guessing the family visit is going ahead?)

TammySwansonTwo · 24/12/2017 13:06

He's done a real number on you, my lovely. This isn't love. This isn't what a happy relationship is like, I promise you. He has broken you down completely. You can get through this and you will be so much happier. You're not married, you don't have kids, you own another property and this one is in joint names.... you're going to be fine. Get out of there and don't look back. Fuck what he wants. Have a read of the Chump Lady blog, it will help you to see him for what he really is and how distorted he has made your thinking.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 25/12/2017 09:55

It is going ahead. I feel very low today. He flipped out last night because I questioned him about why he was playing ten second clips of Xmas songs. I realised he was trying to find one to send her - he's been sending her songs. I think he chose the Mariah one. I asked if that was what he was doing and he just went mad, screaming, curling his lip, shouting, then when I tried to put my hand on his upper arm to calm him he raged and said I was trying to stop him brushing his teeth. He said I'd grabbed his forearm. I absolutely did not, I'm not sure I would be rave enough to given his moods recently. He went on and on about not knowing how to send a song yet I have seen. He is so convincing when he lies I something's thinks he actually believes himself. So today is going to be a difficult day. I've spent such a lot on him, getting things I knew he would love - before I found out. I just want to send it all back. He doesn't deserve any of it. I have been reading up on abuse in relationships and recognise so many of the behaviours. I'd never realised before. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life on him. I feel I may never have a chance at happiness now. I thought that at six years, 7, 8, 9, 10 etc but ended up just wasting more :( Thabks for all your support. I hope you all have a better Christmas. X

OP posts:
Original poster
1974Nadia · 25/12/2017 10:45

Oh god this is just so sad. I fear I'm not for this world :(

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 25/12/2017 10:59

There's always a chance for happiness.
There's nothing tying you to this creep so get a solicitor's appointment and find out your rights.
Can you have a migraine, or a tummy upset, so you can avoid at least some of the "festivities"?

FurryDogMother · 25/12/2017 11:26

You're in my thoughts today, hoping that things don't get too fraught, and that his family are supportive of you. If you have to, just leave them to it and go out for a long walk to centre yourself and get your head together. You can do this.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 26/12/2017 17:55

Well the last few days have been utterly draining. I have been on tenterhooks, eggshells trying to be normal and scared every time his family has said "are you ok, you look" ... tired, vulnerable, sad, pale etc. Scare he will hear. It is impossible to be normal. But I can't tell them he would go absolutely mad. I have lost count of the times I have asked if he is leaving me. Asking if today is the last time I will see his family. His response? Possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard..."how can I guarantee that, I don't know if I will ever see them again myself". To be fair he has almost nothing to do with them but even so it is a stupid answer. I am still distraught. I've had to put up, all day, with family telling me how lovely the house is, how beautifully I've decorated it, how wonderful it is, cab theybatay next year instead of going home - because we have room - how they can see why we would never want to move. And I have to. But what is killing me more is that, however awful he is being - expecting me to accept her, while he messages her from our bed and tells her untrue unfair nasty things about me which she laps up and joins the attack in - is that I love this man. I know he has done a number on me but I love him. I was a young woman when we met. Not much less than her age - which is why she is so naieve - but I shall miss him so much. Being in his glow is like being in the sunlight. But it's very cold now he's moved it elsewhere. And I shall lose everything, which will surely make the loss of him even worse.

OP posts:
spunkymom22 · 26/12/2017 18:08

I have read your whole thread, but not commented before.

What jumps out at me, is that you are not taking advantage of the chances you are getting to make a change here. I can understand feeling paralyzed, but when someone in his family asks you if you're OK, that is the perfect time for you to quietly tell them what is going on!! You'd have some protection if he went wild, because others are right there to see how he behaves; please do tell them.
Also, you seem to have a 1920s attitude that your whole world needs to revolve around him: "Being in his glow is like being in the sunlight" etc. This is a fantasy you have continued. He has shown you repeatedly that he does not respect you, has literally sh*t on you from a great height! Where is your self-respect?

Please get some serious counselling for yourself. I see the Freedom Programme recommended here a lot; perhaps that would help you to see a new way of viewing yourself and your relationship.

Good luck! Keep your head up high; you have done nothing; HE HAS

RainyApril · 26/12/2017 18:10

I know exactly how you feel, and how devastated and heartbroken you are, so I am not being flippant when I say this, but please please find a way to toughen up and stop showing him how much you're hurting. Fake it until you make it. Scream and cry in private. Focus on every bad deed he has ever done to you, this monstrous selfish cruel man, and don't dwell on the happy memories. If you want him to feel even one shred of regret or remorse, show him what he's lost. One day at a timeThanks