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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, no idea what to do

199 replies

1974Nadia · 17/12/2017 20:06

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

OP posts:
slothface · 18/12/2017 12:36

If he loved you he wouldn't be repeatedly cheating on you. If he wanted to be with you and make it work after the first time you caught him out he would have made an effort to prove to you he's changed. I'm sorry to be brutal but he's having his cake and eating it and emotionally manipulating you and you're letting him. I know that's easy for me to say as someone detached from the situation but what would you tell a friend who was going through something like this? He has zero respect for you and that's not the behaviour of someone who loves you.

Can you move into the other house you own while you sort stuff out? Or buy out his share of the house and kick him out? You need to get rid, this man will never give you what you need or deserve

Kentnurse2015 · 18/12/2017 12:39

You need to break up. You have to. You can't go on like this.

category12 · 18/12/2017 12:39

Get legal advice before you go anywhere.

help1978 · 18/12/2017 12:41

Think of the advice you’d give a stranger on here op if you read this post
Please dig deep and have more self worth. I don’t mean that horribly I just think that the more dignified and self respectful you are here will make him realise how much of a total penis he’s being
You owe him nothing, he’s totally taking the piss out of you and his other bird, it’s almost like he’s gods gift?!
Please leave, don’t beg, don’t cling, it’s just not attractive and he doesn’t deserve any of it. You can do this. The only way is up and we are all behind you x

Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 12:48

I'm too late to revert to my old career. Far too late. I have just played a supporting role by working nornalhours and keeping house for him, which he doesn't appreciate or even notice.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 18/12/2017 12:48

God OP, your posts read like you’re wanting justification is staying with him..... get rid of him NOW! He doesn’t even sound sorry for what he’s doing!

Do you want to wake up in twenty years after being treated like crap and having wasted the best years of your life?

If you had a daughter and she was being treated like this what advice would you give her?

Your self esteem, dignity and mental health aren’t worth a House! Sell it and start a fresh. You deserve a partner who will treat you with respect.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 12:50

Thank you. I know I'm being a pushover but it is so hard to leave someone you love who is all you ever wanted and all you've ever known. To a wilderness. I don't look like I did fifteen years ago, I'm the wrong side of forty, no kids because he didn't want any (but I'm sure they'll have some - she is at that age) and he'll agree to anything when he's infatuated, I've seen it all before with him. He does act like he's gods gift. But women all over think he is and agree with him. I have needed eyes in the back of my head :(

OP posts:
RainyApril · 18/12/2017 12:52

By on earth are you trying to cling on to this utter shit?

Hide your real feelings as deep as you can, and feign detachment and quiet dignity.

See a solicitor - you do have more rights than you think. With another property in your name, and a good job, you will do better than most in your situation.

Tell his family that you won't be hosting Xmas, and why. Stop protecting his dirty secrets!

RainyApril · 18/12/2017 12:53

Stop obsessing over her and his life with her; you know what she has in store a few years down the line and it's nothing to envy.

PatriciaHolm · 18/12/2017 13:05

how can this complete knob be all you've ever wanted? he treats you like shit and has done for years.

with respect OP, he's done a complete number on your self esteem. You are worth so much more than him. he doesn't care about you at all and never will, you must see that?

springydaff · 18/12/2017 13:14

It's torture reading this, I can't imagine what it must be like living with someone who treats you so very badly. Really badly. You don't even have any kids op, because HE didn't want them. He has repeatedly cheated on you, forcing you to accept it and not make a fuss.

Dear dear woman, you deserve so much more than this revolting man who has pillaged your life and is planning to throw you away like trash. As a pp says, you know what is in store for that woman further down the line. Or do you feel envious that she is going to be treated to his shit instead of you?

As a pp says, therapy! Find out why on earth you would give your entire life to worshipping this waste of space. He is revolting, yet you have given your entire life to him.

Anything would be better than this my darling. It really would. Go to see a solicitor to find out what you're entitled to. I think you may be surprised. Flowers

RainyApril · 18/12/2017 15:49

And fwiw op, I have been through this too.

Mourning the life you thought you had and the future you planned for is very hard.

Saying goodbye to a man and life you love is heartbreaking, but not as heartbreaking as wasting your life trying to attain the unattainable, being treated like shit, watching your self esteem disappear.

You must break away because the alternative is far worse. Starting again is scary but exciting. One day you will look back and wonder why you stayed so long.

I wish I could see his face when he realises you won't put up with it anymore.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 16:07

TRhabk you your kind words are so comforting x

OP posts:
Original poster
1974Nadia · 18/12/2017 19:24

I'm very tempted to host it and tell them all while they are here!

OP posts:
RainyApril · 18/12/2017 21:53

Even better. Channel Doctor Foster and her amazing dinner party revelations.

Justaboy · 18/12/2017 22:03

I really cannot - absolutly cannot- believe that you want to tsay with this pile of shite???

Woman he's treating you like shit he really is have you no self respect?.

Come on he's nit gods gift to women or anyone else for that matter he treatds you the way he does and you want to stay with this?

For christs sakes open your blooming eyes and see what a nasty abusive POS he really is.

And have some pity for the poor deluded OW in this situation.

Get yourself a decent solictor and Fight! yes fight back and get rid!.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 19/12/2017 12:32

I'm really trying hard. I am finding it so hard to even go through the motions of a day. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, feel physically sick. He's with her today. He hasn't said so of course but he is. I am finding it so hard. I've called a lawyer but not had a call back yet. I can't seem to eat I'm going to be ill. I can't chew. My body just doesn't seem to be working. I'm so grateful for all comments, even those ticking me off. I need it as well as some comfort. Thank you. :(

OP posts:
category12 · 19/12/2017 12:45

Well done for calling Flowers. I hope they call back soon. Don't let him walk over you anymore.

Dailystuck71 · 19/12/2017 12:55

You deserve so much better OP. You really do. You need to believe in that.

Karigan1 · 19/12/2017 13:03

Echo the above. Get out and find someone better :)

Maelstrop · 19/12/2017 14:46

Whose name is on the deeds of the house?

Why are you trying to stay with an emotionally abusive arsehole who cheats on your constant? He obviously doesn't give a shit about you. Don't let him treat you like this!

Original poster
1974Nadia · 19/12/2017 20:44

Both names but he will say he has contribute ms far more. He always holds this against me and moans that I don't contribute as much and that he pays for holidays and other stuff we need. But I do everything at home. I thought we were a partnership :(

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 19/12/2017 21:00

@1974Nadia

Please stop and sit down and practice some breathing exercises because you sound like you're in panic mode... Do the breathing quietly and meaningfully for a few minutes..............

Then say out loud to yourself:

'I know it's really bad right now but you know what, I will be ok'

And KEEP repeating this over and over and over and hug yourself. It's self soothing and sounds like you need to do this.

Because although you cannot see it now, each problem you think of like the new house, the furnishings, your lifestyle etc, each one can be solved in time but not when you're in panic mode.

I suggest you call the Samaritans just so you can unpack your stress with someone who will quietly listen and be there for you.

So many of us on MN are walking the same well trodden path as you so we have an idea of the utter shock you're experiencing but that shock does pass ok?

ICESTAR · 19/12/2017 21:01

Keep posting nadia. Please keep going. Do not let him bully you or railroad you into everything.

Can you find important documents and make copies of them or take photos of them? All your inportant house documents? You will need this for the solicitor.

Do not sell your little flat from before. Please please get angry. Look how many strangers are telling you that you deserve better. We can't all be wrong. Please live the life that you deserve. You only have this life. Make the rest of it count. I don't mean this cruelly but he doesn't love you. No one treats someone like this if they love you.

Take your love and love yourself and treat yourself with respect and happiness.

BackInTheRoom · 19/12/2017 21:11

The not eating is classic. I lost over a stone within about a week. I was also told I was in trauma for what happened to me and was a zombie not eating or sleeping for a good while actually. These symptoms are pretty normal for a relationship breakup but they are bad.

You don't deserve the shit treatment your partner has dished out to you, you're worth SO much more.

Just keep posting on here and we'll hold your hand. 💐