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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, no idea what to do

199 replies

1974Nadia · 17/12/2017 20:06

My fiancé is having a relationship with a much younger woman. We have been together over a decade. They are in the honeymoon phase.

We have had some serious ups and downs for he has cheated on me in the past, each time not apologising and blaming me. It feels as if he is recalling a different relationship to the one I remember. He says he has been unhappy for years and we should've split up after the first time. I wish I hadn't insisted on talking - I might have known it would never work. Instead I have gone on and on and stopped being affectionate and now I have lost him to someone he thinks is fabulous but with whom he doesn't have a life! Affairs aren't real life! He does not like talking about things at all so things are left unresolved. Now he won't talk again about this woman.

He says he needs to get his head straight and that I need to give him space. But I am being clingy, I am terrified. I love him. I know he will be difficult over our home - we just bought it what a waste - and I will be left with nothing I have no rights. He says he never wanted to marry me. He hates that I snoop on him but he's hurt me so many times. When he cheats he gets really angry with me. Before I've contacted the other women and stopped things but I feel if I do that this time he will leave anyway. I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and they are planning a life together, even though she's married. Their messages are all about the future and he's told her I am the villain which just isn't true and is so hurtful. I bet he hasn't told her all the things he has done.

I have all his family coming for Christmas and I'm just falling apart. He didn't admit the affair until I said I'd seen a message. And he's acting like I should be normal! I honestly feel desperate I don't want to go on I am so distraught and it's making me clingy and making me want to watch him constantly which is driving him away. Please help if you have any advice. I posted a much longer message on another thread, my first one, and got some abuse it has been hard to post again. I feel very low.

OP posts:
Original poster
1974Nadia · 26/12/2017 19:39

I am trying, honestly. But I am so frightened of the future. I know nothing but him. I have few friends and my very small family is abroad, hours away. I am so isolated. It is so hard to walk away, instead of hols our hope he will realise what he could lose.

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 26/12/2017 20:23

Oh Nadia :(

What an even harder time of year.

You have to realise there is no choice here. The clock is ticking. He will have her in the home before you know it, he has such a disregard I’m pretty sure he’ll do it when you are still there.

He won’t realise anything. This isn’t a man “in the fog”. He’s rubbing it in your face so hard it’s abuse.

Gatsby86 · 26/12/2017 20:27

I am a man who has cheated on girlfriends in the past. I came to this forum in order to post about my own situation, but ended up opening up some topics before I did so. One of which was this thread. I have cheated on girls in the past and not give a shit and I have cheated on a girl and been absolutely devastated that I did it. Everything you have said shows that this guy is an example of the former, and therefore you need to leave him.

He has cheated multiple times. He has blamed you for it and not apologised; this says more about his maturity than his level of commitment, but its bad all the same. I can't believe you are allowing him to text a girl whilst he is in the same bed as you. You asked how he could move in with you and pay the stamp duty if he wasn't happy. The truth is, he was just manipulating the situation to get what he wanted. He probably thought the house would make you happy and he probably didn't intend to leave you; he wanted to keep you sweet and have his extra curriculars on the side. I am not saying that to be hurtful, merely to explain what was going on in his head. And that is the worst type of cheating that there is.

You need to stop reading his messages or whatever you are doing to get this information you are posting though. None of this is good for your mental health and (exempting possible legal/financial motivations for staying) you need to leave ASAP. Even with that caveat in brackets, I would urge caution. You can't buy happiness. And when you do leave, he might finally realise what an idiot he has been, but if he didn't realise that the first time he did something wrong then he still doesn't deserve you.

You sound like a lovely educated woman with a lot going for you. No woman deserves a man who treats them like this. Tell your friends, get a support group around you, learn from this and then rebuild.

RainyApril · 26/12/2017 20:51

Op, now he knows the writing is on the wall he will begin making practical plans to separate. I am sure he is the sort of man to seek ways to minimise any financial obligations to you.

Losing someone you love is horrible but you will survive, as everyone does. You need to gather your strength and start thinking practically. Get a head start on him by copying relevant paperwork and seeing a solicitor.

From what you have said, you have a share in the house and your own rental property too so you will be ok. It's not the future you hoped for but it is better than living another wasted year with a sick bastard who holds you in such contempt.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 26/12/2017 21:56

I'm scared to tell his family. They're all his family. I really fear what he would do if I did. He is so full of rage and hatred towards me, so suddenly. He has never been like this. I don't understand why he is so angry with me, lying to me and himself about our relationship. We were comfortable, happy, after so long together. He does get angry and storm out when we fight but not like this, this rage and coldness and hatred. He's never really been empathetic but now he has none. He just seems empty of any compassion, not caring for an instant how hurtful he has been, how difficult this is for me, just criticising constantly (today that I have been worse than any other day, that it is getting worse and he will have to do something - that everyone has noticed I'm upset. What on earth does he expect. I'm no more sad today. It's just that others have a heart!

OP posts:
Gatsby86 · 26/12/2017 22:49

Telling his family isn't your issue; its his.

I know you're scared of the future, but from what you have said; you will be fine. It will take time, but you can rebuild.

You are hoping for him to realise that he wants you, but he has done this before and not realised then. Nothing will change and if you stay with him you will be here again in x years time.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 27/12/2017 20:10

He now knows I've seen a lawyer and has gone absolutely mad. He says he would rather fight me in court, knowing he will lose, and end up bankrupt rather than give me half the equity in our home. He has valued nothing I have done, no contribution is of value to him except money. He lived with me rent free for nearly two years, had the use of my car and I bought and cooked him dinner every evening for eighteen months before he moved in, when he was in a poky flat. He says if I want a fight I had better "stand by". I know he contributed more but I still pay half the mortgage and bills. I have never been in a position to contribute lump sums to projects without delay and time to save but I would have done if he had waited. He gets on with things he wants to do (nothing unless he wants to do it) but that has been his choice. I am feeling I am being unreasonable expecting half. He says I'm a vindictive cow. I'm told that's what the law says, that other contributions, like DIY, decorating, plastering, cooking cleaning all the household things are valued and taken into account. He says it has been of no value, he could have got a Cleaner or Decorator. He says he will undo things he has done, like putting a fireplace in. He says he would rather sell it and lose money on it and lower the value by leaving an unsightly hole than have me benefit from it on sale of the house. I loved this man for so long and really thought he loved me. I am staggered by how callous he is. He has been the one who has cheated and lied. I have been utterly loyal and faithful. I just can hardly breathe for fear and pain. I am scared to get angry, even though I'm starting to feel it. He is so venomous. I'm beginning to think he might actually harm me to avoid having to split the proceeds with me. How can you live a life with someone and then, because you do wrong to that person, hate and blame them for it so bitterly. I cannot get my head around it.

OP posts:
gonnabreakmyrustycage · 27/12/2017 23:26

Give him hell OP. Take pictures of the house in case he wrecks it so you can have the damage done by him assessed somehow. Tell the police you have been threatened so there is a record.

Mxyzptlk · 28/12/2017 00:13

101 is the police non-emergency number, where you can report being afraid of him and why. I think you should do that.
The police won't take any action, if you don't want them to, but at least there will be a record.

Mxyzptlk · 28/12/2017 00:19

Take pictures of the house, as suggested, then leave as soon as you can.

His vile behaviour is frightening. Get yourself away from him.

Women's Aid could give you advice. Their 24 hour helpline is on
0808 2000 247. www.womensaid.org.uk

Jux · 28/12/2017 01:29

Phone Women’s Aid.
Google the Freedom Programme.
Call the police DV Unit on 101.
Photocopy his salary slips and bank statements, investment details, any other financial documents, and anything else like that.

Keep all texts etc.

Start a diary of his abuse and threats.

You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault.

BackInTheRoom · 28/12/2017 07:29

How can you live a life with someone and then, because you do wrong to that person, hate and blame them for it so bitterly. I cannot get my head around it.

Because he's got someone else now and he's protecting his interests and you're in his way.

Disengage from him Nadia. Phone the police and get an incident number.

RainyApril · 28/12/2017 10:18

Oh good, he's clearly showing his true colours and you're starting to get angry at last.

He is no longer your friend and you are no longer obligated to tell him anything, certainly not things you've discussed with your solicitor; play your cards close to your chest, don't forewarn him of anything.

He is going to find that what he wants to happen is not necessarily what is actually going to happen.

A friend of mine has been through similar with an arrogant high-achieving tosspot who laughed in the face of her reasonable requests and 'saw her in court'. Believe me, the courts took a very dim view of his behaviour. She got a brilliant settlement. Give him enough rope and he will hang himself.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 28/12/2017 20:33

RainyApril, was she married though? I'm really worried he is being so nasty that he will waste all the money litigating or just make me disappear.

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 28/12/2017 20:43

But Nadia you can’t just sit in the house while this is all happening. You HAVE to get away. He’s not going to do it, and you need to protect yourself. You are absolutely at risk

RainyApril · 28/12/2017 21:53

Op, if you fear for your safety you must leave immediately and if he has threatened you you must go to the police. Keep a record of everything.

Your solicitor will advise you of the legalities, likelihood of success and so on. Don't believe or accept anything he tells you, or fall for his bluster or threats.

Original poster
1974Nadia · 29/12/2017 12:46

He's just had a fit of rage and pulled all the sofa cushions off and screamed and raged and punched them fifty times. Because he knows I know he spent yesterday afternoon constantly in touch with her. He's a monster.

OP posts:
Original poster
1974Nadia · 29/12/2017 12:48

I had a lady call me from the police but she said she'd email and I could contact her if if I needed to. I never had an email and the guy I contacted before - who was lovely to us years ago when we had some neighbour issues - is on leave so he hasn't seen my second email. I was very frightened and I know he was imagining hitting me. I feel so trapped.

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 29/12/2017 13:20

If the Police are not responding correctly to a potential dv issue, you could always email your local Police Headquarters to state you have not had an appropriate response and that you are fearful for your safety.This worked wonders when I was assaulted about 3 years ago by two 12 year olds who spat at my gs3 and I remonstrated with them.

The half hearted PC who couldn't be bothered suddenly found he was able to dealt with matters correctly.

It does seem matters are escalating op. You need to tell them that you are now fearful for your physical safety after this latest outburst.

Jux · 29/12/2017 14:01

Call 999 and tell them he’s being threatening and violent (which he is) and that you are scared, and have small children in the house.

Please op, help yourself.

notapizzaeater · 29/12/2017 14:05

Phone 999 and tell them he's threatening you. Regardless of what he wants with the equity it isn't up to him.

Olgivy · 29/12/2017 14:07

Why are you sitting there in this house with this violent abusive man? He doesn't love you and he never has. I'm sorry but find your anger fast, because from what you say you sound like you are in danger. Move. Get out now!

Jux · 29/12/2017 14:08

Forget emails for the moment. Just phone 999. You are not safe.

Mxyzptlk · 29/12/2017 14:10

Your safety is more important than anything else.
Phone police on 101 to report his threats and get an incident number.

Get what money, credit cards etc you have and just leave. Find a b&b, or a hotel. Don't let your partner know where you are.

Get a solicitor to help you after that.