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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/12/2017 11:07

Actually, you may love him a lot, but loving and having a relationship with are different things.
What is the healthy option for you?

saoirse31 · 13/12/2017 11:10

Tbh op I feel sorry for you. You actually believe him? Good to see its all the other woman's fault after all and your poor dh is just weak and easily influenced.

If this was your daughter what would you tell her? To humiliate herself over and over by the waiting to see if she was 'lucky' enough to be chosen, by the contempt with which her husband is treating her and by the rest of her life dealing with his behaviour? Would you seriously want your daughter to do that?

And if not, why is it good enough for you?

I

Bringbeboback · 13/12/2017 11:15

He has massively manipulated you. You'll eventually realise that and kick yourself for taking him back. I'm guessing all of our advice will go unnoticed for now though as you are completely blinded by feeling like you need him

onedayatatime2710 · 13/12/2017 12:21

OP I know you have a lot of replies on here but I couldn't read and not comment.

I was you 3 years ago and wish I had all this advice when this happened to me. I took my husband back, believed all the talk, let him manipulate me and convinced myself it was the right thing to do for our daughter who was only 4 months at the time. I believed the excuses, felt sorry for him, the lot.

Fast forward to the present day and shocker, I am in the same position again although this time it's worse because I am pregnant with my second baby girl and due in January. While I won't regret my decision to take him back because I'll have another beautiful daughter to raise, the heartbreak it has caused me and my poor 3 year old daughter is something I will also never forgive myself for let alone him because we could of spent the last 3 years as our own family without his bullshit. While he's off on holiday with his teenage girlfriend I'm trying to hold together a family he tore apart because I let him back in - people like him will never change. They will always leave when they think there's something better to go to and don't care who they hurt in the process, even their own children.

I really wish you the best OP because I know it's tough - but as I said, I wish I had the advice that's laid out here now because unfortunately, I really feel you will be in this position again. And the heartbreak is so much worse the second time round.

toastedteacakesandjam · 13/12/2017 12:45

Sorry OP he's a prize twat and tbh I'm not surprised he has no respect for you... you have no respect for yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/12/2017 13:09

This thread makes me so sad Xmas Sad
I hope your self-esteem lifts soon and you dump this faithless, disloyal, cheating scumbag.
Please value yourself more than this.

HopingForSomeSnow · 13/12/2017 13:16

My dad did this to my mum - left and came back several times before he finally chose the OW.
This isn't over.

wednesdayswench · 13/12/2017 13:31

I wouldn't stay with a man who was deciding whether he was going to 'pick' me.

He's either 100% in love and committed or he's out the bloody door.

Lemonnaise · 13/12/2017 13:31

So he chose me last night. Broke it off with her first then asked me if I would still have him back

And you said yes?Shock OP, please take onedayatatime2710 advice, she's been exactly where you are, she knows what she's talking about, as do lots and lots of PPs here who have given you great advice. Your life is about to get a whole lot worse from here on in if you allow him to do this to you and your family.

Dard · 13/12/2017 14:00

I waited a year listening to exes promises came and left put us through hell lies and broken promises he is with ow and has child.I have wasted so much time dont do the same .5th Christmas alone still hurts because u believe them they are lying wankers who only care about themselves no one else.I was a fool please dont be onexxx

FizzyGreenWater · 13/12/2017 14:10

He's fucked you over andhes ducked his kids over - dropped you both to chase his dick. You'll never, ever trust him again and all you've chosen is a future for your kids filled with lies, arguments, heartache, mistrust. Hollow at the core for you, forever, no matter how you piece it back together.

Wrong decision.

cherryontopp · 13/12/2017 14:13

He chose me

I bet you feel like you've won. You haven't. Give it a month or two and he'll bw shagging the other woman or someone else behind your back.

Even if you did find out, your self esteem is so low you'd take him back anyway and he knows this.

NeverTimeForTea · 13/12/2017 14:20

I don't think the OP will be posting again until it all comes crashing down once more.

It really is very sad to read.

tictoc76 · 13/12/2017 14:46

Personally I wouldn’t let him move back in - even to the spare room. If you really want to repair your marriage do the counselling whilst living apart and only move back in together when you feel the trust is coming back. It will be a long road but if you jump too quick there is every chance the issues won’t get resolved before you try to get back to where you were.

I don’t agree with most of the posters here. People can make mistakes, it’s a really shitty mistake to make but as far as you know he is not a serial cheater and only you know if it is worth the effort to put this behind you. I’ve not been in this position personally but I do know people who have managed to put a single affair behind them. Mumsnet is not really one for second chances.

Good luck

Ropsleybunny · 13/12/2017 15:02

I'm really sorry to read the outcome of this. It's not over yet. Xmas Hmm

Haffiana · 13/12/2017 15:16

The absolute death knell to your hope of putting this behind you both is that he is already blaming the other woman: He had tried to break up several times and each time she would persuade him that it was the wrong decision.

Do you understand that he is taking no blame for any of this? How can he in any way be sorry for his actions if he doesn't take any responsibility for them? And you - you are enabling him by 'understanding' how hard it all is for him, the poor dear. This is an unhealthy co-dependency.

JemimaLovesHamble · 13/12/2017 15:41

Yet another amazing father. Funny how women are never described as amazing mothers when they leave their families to consider whether they'd rather shag someone else.

I hope it works out for you OP, I really do. I hope you are able to rebuild the trust. But it doesn't sound promising. There are too many red flags in what you say, and in what you describe him saying. But good luck.

Dard · 13/12/2017 15:53

You want to believe so much and they can be very convincing and you want your family together. He has smashed it apartx

SilverySurfer · 13/12/2017 17:00

OP, you have probably stopped reading the thread since you believe you have won the battle. You may have but you haven't won the war.

The following thread may be interesting and there are plenty of others in a similar vein on the Relationship Board:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1271816-I-gave-lying-cheating-bastard-husband-a-second-chance-and-feel-like-such-a-fool

Oh and probably a good idea to get checked out at an STI clinic,

Good luck.

NeilPetark · 13/12/2017 20:00

You should never have to win your husband.

He’s ‘weak’ and ‘He had tried to break up several times and each time she would persuade him that it was the wrong decision.’

Bless him it must be tough. 🙄

How can you not see he is taking zero responsibility for any of this? You are focusing your blame on the wrong person. Stop being so passive!

BifsWif · 13/12/2017 20:49

This thread makes me so sad.

He may have chosen you, but you definitely did not win.

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 21:03

He may have chosen you, but you definitely did not win.
This.
My concern for you OP is that he now thinks he has a green light to do what he likes because you will save the family.
Part of me is worried he'll keep his bit on the side and claim he 'had to' stay with you 'for the children'.

MillennialFalcon · 13/12/2017 21:43

I'm sorry but I don't see how you can ever trust him again, he is still not taking responsibility, just blaming the OW. You deserve better and it's sad that you can't see that. Please take steps to protect yourself if there any problems in the future.

Clitoria · 14/12/2017 00:02

You having him back is like finding the least disgusting thing at the landfill site and deeming it a prize. He ripped your lives apart, had you dance like a puppet, treated you with contempt while laughing up his sleeve. Good luck with that.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/12/2017 05:56

OP I am so sorry you are in this position. Your dh has manipulated you so that you are now grateful that he has chosen you and you will bend over backwards to try to keep him, rather than him.bending over backwards to apologise to you.

You really are worth so much more than this.