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I gave lying cheating bastard husband a second chance and feel like such a fool

(47 Posts)
brokenlady Tue 02-Aug-11 15:19:43

I have posted my situation in some of the previous threads. Married 10 years, 2DC and quite a nice life or so I thought. Found out 6 weeks ago that H had been having an affair with married woman with kids for a couple of months. He begged forgiveness, said he never intended to leave me (like that makes it ok) and that me and DC were his world and he had made huge mistake. Tentatively we began to work towards trying to make it work.

I asked that he reduced his drinking (I honestly think this is a bigger problem than the affair), quit smoking which he started again after 3 years of abstinence just cos OW smokes and not to have any contact with OW. L made it clear that if these things did not happen, I would end it.

Last night I checked his mobile bill and saw that he has been ringing her at home most days. She is SAHM. I am just devastated. Why put me and DC through last 6 weeks and give false hope of a future? He has gone in to complete melt down. says it is all my fault for checking his bill and therefore it is actually me who has ruined everything! I know that this is a protective thing - if he is blaming me then he doesn't have to blame himself. But it feels like such a slap in the face. So cruel. I feel I have been set back 6 weeks in my healing process.

He says that he was ringing to find out if her husband was likely to go after him and to see how things were panning out for them. I just don't buy it. He is adamant that it is over - she is still with her husband. I have spoken to her today and she insists she wants nothing to do with him. However, she is a proven liar with the morals of an alley cat.

I have packed his bags and sent him off to his parents again and it has disrupted DC again. He is deluding himself that we can get through this but I have made it clear I don't think I can.

So what the hell for me now? Really need some advice. Popped in to a solicitor's office today and he wants £170 per hour - not sure I can afford to divorce the philandering sod! Are there ways of keeping costs down? How do I negotiate access to DC? I work and earn 30k a year - will I be entitled to any child maintenance? Sorry I am rambling but am just all over the place.

joblot Tue 02-Aug-11 15:52:55

You're not a fool. At least you gave it a go, at least you won't worry that you didnt try.
Practically fo you need to worry about divorce immediately? I imagine you'd be best talking over all the options re contact with a friend. Consider mediation too so you can reach a fair compromise, if that seems tricky at the moment.
Write things down, that helps me. But its still shit and it takes time to recover. Hope some of this helps

Proudnscary Tue 02-Aug-11 16:00:31

I second Joblot. You are not a fool. He, however, is the king of fools.

You tried to save your marriage by giving him another chance - what's foolish about that? You have children and a life together - I would have done the same.

He has fucked up and how can there be any way back now?

I'm so sorry for you, please don't blame yourself. Take it easy, let friends and family and mumsnet help you. You will get there.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Aug-11 18:23:01

So sorry - I remember your first thread. I am sure you know that there is no way you are to blame for your H's shitty behaviour - he is doing it all himself. Of course you need to check his mobile - he has already broken your trust and is in no position to complain about your snooping around.

NanaNina Tue 02-Aug-11 18:36:06

Well done you for getting rid of him! Solicitor's fees are horrendously high and you probably don't qualify for legal aid. It isn't imperative that you divorce him right away is it. You could have a divorce with both parties consent in 2 years I think.

Contact could be tricky. Really you need to be able to come to some agreement between you because if you can't and it has to go through the Family Courts, this is a very long drawn out process and could be very expensive for you as you will probably need legal representation. In any event the govt are stopping legal aid for private law cases(which a case like yours would be if it got as far as the Family Courts) It is also very tough on the kids because they know that their parents are "fighting" over them and this causes them such a lot of distress and divided loyalty.

So let the dust settle and then see if you can make sensible arrangements about contact.

Whatmeworry Tue 02-Aug-11 18:49:38

No, you were the "bigger person". Shame on him. If you do it again though, shame on you.

brokenlady Tue 02-Aug-11 18:54:59

Thank you all for your words of encouragement that i am doing the right thing. I know in my heart that i am doing the right thing but i have moment
s of weakness where i wonder if he can be the decent man i married again. Life as a single parent terrifies me. But i have a good network of close friends who have been fantastic. Thus far h appears quite reasonable. Says i can have house and he will help with bills. There is no question the children will reside the majority of the time with me. I have said i am happy for him to have contact as and when he wants. He says he happy with this. My only concern ostensibly he is being super reasonable as he wants me to take him back - after all he has done nothing wrong! I fear that when i don't he could become difficult.

steelchic Tue 02-Aug-11 19:58:50

Hi
You did the right thing by giving him a chance at least you can say you tried to save things, if you hadn't you would always have thought "what if". No need to think about divorce just now. Try to sort out things amicably regarding your DC's (how old are they). I've seperated from my H and I get child maintenance from him even although I work, we didn't go through the CSA or anything but their web -site is helpfull. As far as I know the mothers income doen't come into things its the fathers (or parent who is the main carer) take home pay that counts, its a percentage of this minus a small amount if the children stay with the absent parent on a set abount of days in the month (hope that makes sense)
Also I know you say you earn £30k but you may still be entitled to tax credits (they don't take maintenance in to consideration only your income) and they do take into account if you pa for childcare etc when you are working.
Please don't beat yourself up about not giving him another chance. It's not your fault (I would have looked at his phone bill too and so would most ).
Its guilt thats making him say it's your fault he can't take resonsibility for his actions. I found out by accident that my H had rented a flat and was making his exit plan 18 months ago( I packed his stuff and told him to get out after a big ,row he went and thats when I found out about his flat that he had taken a lease out on months before) but he blamed me and said I though him out he ignored the fact that he had decided to leave anyway.
I took him back and guess what 6 months ago he did exactly the same. Then made my life a misery and tried to make me through him out I didn't but I found out that he had set up home with OW by accident again (long story) he still denies this.
Despite all this I'm glad I gave him a chance 1st time round, but not now I could never trust him. Thanks to the mums on here my eyes have been opened. Early days for you but things do get better check out the benifit agencies they will give you you lots of advice re maintenance. Kids up keep
is the responsability of both parents
Good luck xx

Saffysmum Tue 02-Aug-11 21:00:10

So sorry things didn't work out Brokenlady. Don't blame yourself, you have done all anyone could and more to try and make this work.

Regardless of your income, he will have to pay child maintenance. For two kids it's 15% of his monthly take home pay, for 3 kids it's a quarter. That's the CSA amount, which many solicitors use as a bench mark.

Don't worry about divorce for now. Worth giving tax credits a ring to go through your income and to see if you're entitled to anything. Even if you don't do this just yet, if you are entitled they are backdated from the day he left.

Go to CAB they will give you lots of info, and a list of family law sols who do free initial sessions.

Take care

maleview70 Tue 02-Aug-11 21:10:18

I thought it was 20% for 2 kids less a possible reduction for nights that he has them.

He had his chance which is a credit to you. He has now completely fckd that chance up. Make sure you stick to your guns and be strong.

I think sometimes when an affair is uncovered and the ultimatums are made it isnt always as easy as people hope. Some men will just drop the other woman(Mainly because they were just using them for sex) others will have developed feelings for the other person and it is very difficult to just have no contact at all with someone you care about.

In my view this is why only some people who give a second chance are rewarded with a stronger relationship.

Personally I wouldnt give one chance as I dont believe in all this soul mate and "the one" stuff. If there are 20 million adults of the opposite sex in this country then there must be more than one person who you could be compatible with!

Saffysmum Tue 02-Aug-11 21:51:53

Yes, you're right I think Maleview - 15% for one child maybe? I agree with you too about everything else.

brokenlady Wed 03-Aug-11 06:32:18

Will definitely contact CAB for tax credit advice and maintenance advice. Have the name of a good local solicitor now too. I think you are all right that there is no rush. Think my rushing to sort all this is a knee jerk reaction to my shock and hurt.
He has absolutely broken my heart, smashed it into a thousand pieces and then some. I am so so hurt and betrayed. He was my world and i loved our little life together. And i feel such an idiot because he didn't give a toss.
He is bombarding me with calls and texts, saying she means nothing and he will never contact her again. As others have posted, i don't believe this. However i am aware that she has no intention of leaving her husband. At best he will just continue to be a dirty little secret. It makes me angry that he destroyed mine and DC lives for that.
On the upside, so far, me and DC are coping ok. Somehow i feel unburdened - no need to go snooping as h puts it, no anxiety that he might b calling her and no arguments.

Saffysmum Wed 03-Aug-11 06:56:49

Early days, things are so raw - no need to do anything in a rush BL. Pleased that you are already seeing an "upside". You will feel unburdened because the not knowing has been removed and there's relief in that. Just take it day by day and consider telling him to stop texting/calling as you need space and time to think about what you want. Remember that: from now on it's what YOU want.
Good luck.

stargazy Wed 03-Aug-11 20:21:08

Hi there BROKEN we talked on a thread about a month ago and have been frantically busy with work recently but spotted your post and just wanted to say I'm so sorry your are going thro all this.As I said at the time in the immedite aftermath of discovering my H's EA it was so important that he ceased all contact with OW immediately and our counsellor said I'd every
right to expect no less if workwise it was possible-which thankfully it was.Even a text or call to see 'how she was' would have incensed me-so I can only imagine how shattered and betrayed(again) you must be feeling.Just wanted to say thinking of you and as SAFFY says take all the time you need to decide how to proceed and look after yourself x

brokenlady Wed 03-Aug-11 22:15:04

stargazy - hello again. I remember that some of your previous posts really resonated with me.
Saffy I did just that earlier today and told him not to phone or text me. He immediately rang me. I did not answer and he proceeded to send text after text. I only responded when he said he was coming over to the house this evening.
It was a long and difficult conversation. One minute he seems quite agreeable and says he understands that I am hurt, that I need space and that he no longer has any rights about what happens next due to his behaviour. But the next minute he is ranting and raving that I am throwing eveything away and ruining the kids lives. He even said that if I didn't let him back, that would be it. As I pointed out, as far as I am concerned, it is it.
He seems to be in denial although I wonder if the anger coming through is him recognising that he has lost everything. He is 40 and living in his parents' spare room.
Felt really lonely around tea time today - not sure what it was about that time. Maybe tiredness? Anyway, had a better evening watching Topgear with DS!! DD is 6 and she was quite tearful at bedtime about daddy not being there and said she wanted to see him and missed him. How do I deal with her emotions? I feel it is taking all my strength to deal with my own at present.
Once again, thank you for all the support. MN has been a bit of a rock for me throughout all this. Somewhere I can post my thoughts uninterrupted. H and OW have shattered my faith in humanity - but a few close friends in RL and MN are restoring it.

maleview70 Wed 03-Aug-11 23:21:45

Don't let his emotional blackmail have any affect. How it will affect the kids is purely his fault.

You gave him a chance and he blew it. Some people do not get one chance.

TheScenicRailway Wed 03-Aug-11 23:49:53

The main thing to focus on right now OP is not to back down again and let him come back. Even if you lack the resolve, act like you mean business and then follow through the consequences you forewarned him of.

Of course you are right that he is deflecting his guilt on to you, but he is upset and angry because his life is fucked-up, not yours or the DCs. If he actually cared for his family's welfare, he would respect your wishes, accept he'd burnt his boats after being given fair warning and just try to be a good Dad to his DCs.

Am I right in thinking that OW managed to pull the wool over her H's eyes and denied an affair? Have you thought about letting her H know they have remained in contact like this?

brokenlady Thu 04-Aug-11 08:21:21

Ow is a real piece of work. When i discovered the affair, i contacted her and said i knew. She called me a liar. I told her i had found his second secret phone and had read lots of her texts. She then tried to make out it was a few flirty texts nothing more. I contacted her h and informed him. I understand he was hurt and betrayed etc... However she has made out that my h and i are liars and fantasists about the extent of this affair. Her h has chosen to believe her. My question has always been what do i have to gain by lying about this and what does she have to gain. I think h is in denial. Maybe it makes it easier for him to deal with. I told her that knew her and my h had remained in contact and again she initially denied it. When i said i had the phone bill, she said It was just a few calls to see how things were going for each of them. Her h says it is my h now harassing her. I want no more of this circus and will leave her to her sordid life.
I am remaining strong. H rang late last night saying he wants to come back but i made it clear that is not going to happen. No contact since so i hope he is getting the message. I feel proud that i have stayed strong - stronger than i ever thought i could be. Though i still feel stupid and humiliated at times.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Aug-11 08:28:47

You sound strong - it must be so hard though. DO not feel stupid for giving H a second chance, he's the stupid one for messing it up and for being weak, pathetic and selfish.

I agree that you need to concentrate on yourself and the kids, as meddling in OW's life will not help matters.

Saffysmum Thu 04-Aug-11 08:39:37

You have every reason to be proud of yourself BL - I'm proud of you too! It takes strength to stand your ground and not cave in.

Your H has to realise that he has to take full and utter responsibility for all of this. It's all his doing. Now it's time for him to man up and grow up and do right by you and the kids.

Who knows what's ahead - it's still early days. Right now, you need the space to think things through. You may in time decide you will give him another change, you may not. But the ball's in your court and you take as long as you need.

He will probably up his game now, and try to put pressure on you to have him back. Stand your ground and continuing detaching. His behaviour when he came round - trying to shift the blame onto you by saying you're throwing it all away, whilst laughable is very predictable.

You are better than him and his sordid little affair with this awful woman. He's probably realising this.

You asked upthread how do you cope with the emotions. The key, I think is not to try to cope with them, just accept them and go with flow, always telling yourself that they are natural, and they will pass. The bad days improve, the ok days become good, etc. It all takes time, it's a sort of grieving process.

You're doing really well. Be kind to yourself.

TheScenicRailway Thu 04-Aug-11 10:55:42

Now that you've explained all that, I agree that there's no point in having any contact at all with OW and her H. He's obviously putting his head in the sand - and as for what does she have to gain, well it's pretty obvious.

She sounds like a narcissistic woman who likes the idea of having more than one man being stupid around her. She needs to lie to her H and you, to hang on to her marriage, which she clearly doesn't want out of. This affair was probably just an ego boost for her - and not some big love affair, although I bet she pretended to your H that he was her "soulmate" and this is why he can't let go. Sooner or later, it might occur to him that she was just playing him.

The thing is, him contacting her gives away the lie to his feelings, doesn't it? If this had meant nothing - and she had meant nothing, he would have been able to break the contact easily, especially when he had so much to lose. Regardless of him staying in contact with her, what's more serious perhaps is that he has lied to you throughout about the extent of this affair.

You really must stand firm and not give into any emotional blackmail or tears. As I said before, all his tears will be for himself and not what he has done to you and the DCs. If you relent now, any respect he has for you will be completely lost.

In this situation, your best plan is to act as though you fully intend divorcing him. Get some legal advice (you don't have to follow through) and only have conversations with him about the DCs, nothing else. Work out how you will manage as a single parent, get the finances sorted. Knowing you can cope logistically and financially will help enormously. Emotionally, it will be much harder to detach, but you must for your own sake. Fake it to make it, because if you show to him that you are resolute, will never take him back and intend getting on with your life and meeting new people, eventually you will actually want to do these things.

If your H really has been a stupid prick who made a never-to-repeated mistake; an intrinsically good man who got carried away, then he needs to realise what he lost for that mistake and fight like mad to prove he is worthy of you. But given what's happened and that he still felt entitled to deceive you even after discovery, this should take months or years to win you back, not easy words and tears and a few weeks on his parents' couch. He needs to live on his own and have the children at his new place - living the life of a single parent.

If you insist on this, it's a win-win situation for you. You can watch his actions and over time, decide whether he's worthy of a second chance, or you might start to see that actually, this behaviour was just the tip of the iceberg and you are better off without him. That he's not an inherently good man after all. You will only be able to make this decision from a distance though. If you let him back imminently, you will try to convince yourself that he is a good man and you did the right thing - and you will lose all your objectivity, as well as any chance of a good marriage with a partner who respects you.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Aug-11 12:40:05

Great post TSR

ShoutyHamster Thu 04-Aug-11 14:08:37

Brilliant post TSR.

OP - I salute you. Stay strong. For all the reasons TSR gives above, you are doing the right thing for you and your children. He's proven himself a liar, a cheat, let you down in the most shattering way possible. Oh but he's sorry and didn't mean it and can he come back now?

You'd have to be mad to!

Oh and next time he accuses you of 'throwing it all away' - turn around with a smile and say yes I am, thanks. I'm throwing away something which has demonstrated to me that it is unreliable, broken, and not fit for its purpose... YOU.'

Mouseface Thu 04-Aug-11 14:24:33

I think you should name change. You're not broken anymore. smile

Well done for kicking him out.

You've had some fantastic advice here from TSR and Saffysmum.

Small steps, take your time. Your world has been turned upside down yet again. Just when you thought that your H was actually going to be true to his word, he lies, cheats and makes you feel stupid for believing him and wanting your marriage to work.

No-one can blame you for that.

Good luck xx

stargazy Thu 04-Aug-11 18:17:01

Think SCENIC's post was brilliant and if my DH had reneged on his agreement not to contact OW again I would follow it to the letter.Hope youv'e had the best possible day in the circumstances and agree with MOUSE you are deserving of a better name than broken -bloomin' marvellous more like.Stay
strong and don't be easily swayed -hard though it must be.If he's really worthy of your forgiveness he'll have to fight long and hard for it now x

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