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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
Graphista · 13/12/2017 01:13

You only have his word that he dumped her. Sounds to me far more likely it was her changed her mind. Also sounds like he was having to look for somewhere to live alone and he probable begrudged the cost if you are in the family home, and didn't want to be alone.

You'll never feel secure with him again, every time he's on his phone and you don't know who to, he goes out for an evening without you, is late home from work you will wonder what's really going on.

You don't deserve this guy nobody does.

revengeongc · 13/12/2017 01:17

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on here.

OP, how in hell do you know that he's telling you the truth? He's a proven liar.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 13/12/2017 02:30

Sunk cost fallacy may be something to consider.

The thing is, Tears, he has cheated and you have taken him back. That is a green light for him to do it again.
He may dance a fine facade of contrition by telling you what you want to hear, but his stated concerns for what the OW is going through really really isn't a good sign. He is (still captivated with mentionitis) talking about her to you!! Talk about twisting the knife. Angry

Are you emotionally numb across the board or that much afraid of change/separation anxiety-which you had already conquered?

Lweji · 13/12/2017 02:46

I'd bet she'd tell you a very different story and that she has more self esteem than you.

Or she doesn't even know they broke up. It's highly likely you threatened him or persuaded him and he'll soon regret it.

Angelf1sh · 13/12/2017 06:08

Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you 🤞

Mamia15 · 13/12/2017 07:05

He feels guilt at what he's done to HER?????

What about his WIFE and DC?? Angry

wtffgs · 13/12/2017 07:37

You haven't dropped a bomb on the marriage, he has. He chose to have sex repeatedly with someone else and to abandon his marriage, not you.

If you did take him back, you'd be giving him a free pass to do cheat again.

Marriages fail and kids survive just fine. You can't go back to where you were. His actions have put paid to that.

Gather up your self-esteem and dignity and tell him to get lost.

Only1scoop · 13/12/2017 08:13

'So he chose me last night.'

Sad
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/12/2017 08:32

Have confirmed with the OW that he has ended things with her? If not he needs to call her, in front of you, to tell her it’s over and that he will not ever see or speak to her again. Then he must delete all her contact details, block on social media etc. And ALL his guilt should be about his appalling treatment of his wife and children. No moping about OW or he’s out. She is an adult and responsible for her own choices - show her the same care and consideration she showed you and your DC.

And remember you are free to end the marriage at any time. You owe him nothing.

Pinkitis · 13/12/2017 08:36

Has he said why he has actually chosen you over her?

ladymelbourne1926 · 13/12/2017 08:43

Oh op Sad
This is not good, please at least re read the thread.

ptumbi · 13/12/2017 08:43

Op - did you actually read a single post on this,your own thread?

See you back here in -oh, less than a year? Sad

ivykaty44 · 13/12/2017 08:50

What do you want? In all of this what do you want and what are your dreams?

Chippyway · 13/12/2017 09:02

He had tried to break up several times and each time she would persuade him that it was the wrong decision

Oh your poor husband being a grown man and being “persuaded” into a relationship with somebody - I mean he couldn’t possibly just end things with her, could he? Hmm

So your husband was easily persuaded into leaving you for another woman. Screw his wife and kids, all it takes is another woman to repeatedly tell him they’re meant to be together and off he goes! Typical cheater blaming the other person. You CANNOT be persuaded into an affair OP unless you WANT to do so yourself!!

If you want to get back together and make a go of the marriage then that’s fair enough it’s your decision. But you both have a LOT of work to do! Why do you want to be with somebody who has to take time out to decide who he wants more - his wife and kids or his other woman?

Good luck, you’ll need it

BackInTheRoom · 13/12/2017 09:05

Oh dear. If she rings him and he misses her, they'll be back on. It's hard fighting for a LTR so imagine the excitement when she does the booty call.

BackInTheRoom · 13/12/2017 09:06

IMO, you made this far too easy for him. What was there to fight for?

Tiddlywinks63 · 13/12/2017 09:09

Reading this makes me shudder - there will be a next time and he'll make out it's your fault.
Best of luck op.

Pinkitis · 13/12/2017 09:12

I hope the least he has done is tell you how much he loves you, that he regrets what he has done, that he has made a huge mistake and that he is willing to earn your trust and be a devoted husband to you.

From your last post it sounds as if he is still confused, still considering the ow too much and blaming weakness for his affair.

ToffeeUp · 13/12/2017 09:19

I am sorry that he decided to choose you. You deserve so much better.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/12/2017 09:26

* I hope the least he has done is tell you how much he loves you, that he regrets what he has done, that he has made a huge mistake and that he is willing to earn your trust and be a devoted husband to you*. And how he exactly he plans to do so. If he doesn’t have a plan - hasn’t booked solo counselling to help himself unpick what’s wrong with him that he would betray you so cruelly and casually, hasn’t purchased books and Googled other resources on how to help you get over his assault on your happiness and security - why not?

Costacoffeeplease · 13/12/2017 09:27

So now he knows he can leave, have an affair, and come back, and you’ll take him in again? He’s got you where he wants you

Good luck op

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/12/2017 09:33

If he’s back in the spare room, where has he been staying? With the OW? And WTF was the business with your son and the house he might move into? Using the children to manipulate you, nice.

SilverySurfer · 13/12/2017 10:35

I'm really sorry to read your update and also agree with Bluntness100. It may be a good idea for you to print out this thread and re-read it the next time he cheats. All the advice you will ever need is here, it just seems it wasn't what you wanted to hear this time.

All the best for the future.

MrsDilber · 13/12/2017 10:52

You saw the light at the end of the tunnel and will again. You deserve better than this. What a horrible situation you are in. However, even if he picks you, you will be unhappy because of what he's done, so you make the choice and tell him you don't want him back (which, I know, is easier said than done). Take that power over you away from him. You are not a choice.

ptumbi · 13/12/2017 11:04

OP - you 'love him' and soooo want him to be the person that you love.

He is NOT that person. He is a lying cheating weak cold and spineless person.

Not the one you love.