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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 15/12/2017 18:53

You need to cut all contact that is not child-related. Don’t let him have conversations to assuage his guilt or keep you in the “pick me” space. You also need to start divorce proceedings. I’m sorry OP, none of us wanted to be right but these people don’t change

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/12/2017 18:57

Oh OP - Offred's way to look at is good.

Now, take that anger and put it into making sure you get the best possible outcome for your dcs. PP are right, if he's planning on travel and hobbies with the OW, that won't come cheap. Get all the paperwork you can together and go see a solicitor, start moving on a financial settlement ASAP while he's not quite thought about how expensive his new lifestyle might be.

Do you have access to savings? Be prepared for him to do dick moves like changing which account his wage is paid into from a joint account to one just in his name.

And sadly, STD tests do need scheduling.

Lweji · 15/12/2017 18:57

I agree. I'd probably start contacting solicitors on Monday. Pick a shit hot lawyer and don't be afraid to ask for all you can and more.

user838383 · 15/12/2017 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 15/12/2017 20:06

At least now you know. And you should drop Offred’s analogy into conversation with him

JemimaLovesHamble · 15/12/2017 20:13

I hope you are angry enough next time he approaches you - and there will be a next time, he sounds like a human yoyo - to genuinely relish telling him you don't want him anymore. Don't be sad, be fucking angry. He's a disgrace.

Bluelonerose · 15/12/2017 20:14

Op I completly understand why you thought you had to fight for your marriage.
Before your update I could of told you he would leave again (I've been there)

But let him go. HE chose to leave when he started an affair. Yes it hurts, it's humiliating but walk away with your head held high. You have done nothing wrong

honeyroar · 15/12/2017 20:23

Much as I knew he'd do this I'm so very sorry for you. He's the lowest of the low to put you (and your children especially!!) through this again. And for two days of trying?? That's all he could manage!

I only hope that as well as the obvious hurt you'll be feeling he has given you a bit of anger - enough to get your ducks in a row and wipe the floor with him. He's had enough of your time, consideration and emotion.

If it helps, I would fully expect him and her to split up again. But you won't be falling for any more of his crap next time.

Greedynan · 15/12/2017 21:02

You wanted to fight for your marriage and honour your vows. You did those things despite what he did. He gave it a handful of days. Let him go now. There'd only be scraps left of your previous marriage. He does not deserve anything more from you.

Keep things business-like for the sake of your children.

Now time to get angry.

He'll be back. And probably before Christmas too. He's pathetic.

PoorYorick · 15/12/2017 21:38

He's back with her because you made it clear he would need to work and make some sacrifices if he was going to make it up with you. He does not want to work and make sacrifices. He does not want anything except an easy, idle life where everything he wants just comes to him and he does nothing in return.

He'll never be happy and he doesn't deserve to be, for his sheer fucking cowardliness if nothing else. I can't see this other relationship lasting unless OW is happy to be considered sloppy seconds and have absolutely no needs of her own...but it's not your problem any more.

Good riddance to bad fucking rubbish.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2017 22:13

I’m sorry op, at least now you know, I posted what I did previously because I believed it to be accurate, harsh as it was, but i didn’t envisage it would be accurate so quickly and I’m genuinely sorry it was.

He was waiting for her to pick him. So now it’s time to get angry, and look after and protect yourself. Do not place any trust here he will do financially right by you and the kids, it seldom sadly works like that, so start moving to protect yourself and see a solicitor asap.💐

MaisyPops · 15/12/2017 22:39

What a dickhead OP
Remember you have conducted yourself wrll and your kids will see that.

I agree with bluntness. It seems like he accepted your offer whilst waiting ti see what she said.
It's an awful situation for you.
Please look after yourself and make sure you get legal advice.

ru345 · 15/12/2017 23:34

I agree with everyone else....protect yourself and your children now refuse to have contact now ...so sorry...you will be better off in the future I know hard to see now but you are very brave and will get through this. Dont let him do this again.

drainsup · 16/12/2017 09:02

Sorry OP, my ex did this. He came back but he was distant and when I looked back, he was missing his OW. He went back and I was on the floor again. But I picked myself up. Time helps and keeping a good sense of yourself. Their relationship didn't last and when bumping into my ex many years after, I take no satisfaction that he voiced his regrets, apologised for his behaviour and has not lived a happy life. Which I think is pitiful.

You have certainty now and you didn't before.

Tattybear16 · 16/12/2017 09:33

Hold your head up, you've done nothing wrong, it wasn't you it's him. You are a strong lady, let him go. Don't give him another chance, and don't take him back when the OTW gets tired of him and throws him out. He's made his bed he can go lie in it. I took my ex back twice for the sake of my children 6 and 3 at the time and to save a 10 year marriage. My ex is an asshole, recently saw him after we've been divorced for over 15 years, Lordy he looked old life has not been kind. Then he had the balls to tell me how broke he was and he'd always loved me. Pulling at the old emotional heart strings with puppy dog eyes. Sorry but that's too little, way too late. I have a great life, fantastic kids, brilliant career and I'm with a man now who treats me right, loves me and I'm happy. Counted my lucky stars as I walked away grateful that i hadn't taken him back for the 3rd time.

It will be hard, it will be a full on grieving process involving a lot of anger, but it gets better and easier and you will get through it. Trust in yourself, you are stronger than you think.

gingerclementine · 16/12/2017 09:40

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. He's been messing you around for three months, and you've been so generous towards him. This will help you draw the line he can't cross again.

I really think that all men who do this (and women, though they're rarer0 should be made to sit down with their DC and say: I left because my excitement level is more important to me than your stability and happiness. My willy is more important to me than you are. They need to be made to face up to what they are actually doing.

Don't let him pull any guilt tricks about needing to sell the house. It's your DCs house. They should stay where they are and he can pay what he has always paid to contribute to the stable running of their home until the youngest is 18. Get a great lawyer to help make this happen.

Tattybear16 · 16/12/2017 09:53

It will be hard, it will be a full on grieving process involving a lot of anger, but it gets better and easier and you will get through it. Trust in yourself, you are stronger than you think.

Branleuse · 16/12/2017 11:15

I hope youre ok OP x

user1470296287 · 16/12/2017 12:01

Hi OP,
I've been reading your thread since the start and could feel all those horrible anxious and hurtful feelings flooding back on your behalf its truly awful.

My stbx came back for 4 days after 5 weeks being away and said we could try again i felt so relieved to not have that heavy burden on my shoulders and the worry of how on earth i was going to cope alone.....

I told him to get out after 4 days as i could not take the horrible tension in the house and the fact that my 2 DC stayed upstairs in their rooms and wouldn't come down if he was around as he made us all feel so uncomfortable in our own home. He wanted the excitement of the OW.

Please know you will get through this in time the hurt lingers but has less of a hold if that makes sense.

I have 2 threads on here Midlife Crisis, Affair or doesn't love me Pt 1 & 2
have a little read when you feel up to it hopefully it will help you a little to see that the only person to lose from this long term is your EX.

Take care and huge hugs x

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2017 12:24

Well you can't say you didn't try.
You did all you could.
He's a worthless disgusting asshole.
You will move forward but it's gonna take time.
Gather all friends and family around you for support.

terfing · 16/12/2017 12:38

Congratulations! He sounds like a nasty piece of work. You sound very sweet.

In fact, I even feel sorry for the other woman here. I bet she has a tough few years ahead.

Petalflowers · 16/12/2017 18:19

Wishing you all the best for the future for you and your kids.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 17/12/2017 10:55

I'm so sorry OP. I've been there and I've let hope control my decisions so I completely understand.

It sounds to me like OW is blowing hot and cold on him so be ready for him to try to mess with your head again when she realises she doesn't want him around full-time. Whatever he tells you next time he's not choosing the children (if they really mattered more than his dick he'd never have left in the first place), he's not choosing you he's choosing the option that's easier than starting again alone. I know that's incredibly brutal to read but find your anger, find your anger and let it take you through this next phase and all that you have to cope with.

Dard · 17/12/2017 15:20

Thinking of you look after yourself disgusting man

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