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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
YeahRightOk · 14/12/2017 06:23

Fucking hell OP. You cannot be that desperate.

StealthNinjaMum · 14/12/2017 09:13

I am really hoping that we're all wrong and that he realises what a twat he has been , takes some responsibility and makes every effort to change and give you what you want and need.

However, if it does go wrong please don't feel you can't come back here for support, there will always be some random stranger on the internet looking out for you and wanting to help. Flowers

Gemini69 · 14/12/2017 09:19

this Guy is repulsive.. what a DICK Xmas Hmm

HappyintheHills · 14/12/2017 09:27

Sad prediction - hysterical bonding over the holidays, saves sharing the DC, with an oh so grateful wife.
Off to the OW in the new year.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2017 09:41

hysterical bonding
Indeed.
OP if you are still reading - please google this!
Don't fall into that trap.

cherryontopp · 14/12/2017 11:55

Have a conversation with the OW.

I bet you'll learn a few things.

"He says he tried to break it off several times but she would persudae him"
"Hes chosen me and broken things off with her"

How do u know this?? How can u take his word for it???

roomsonfire · 14/12/2017 12:06

he is not a good father. A good father doesnt think with his dick, dream up a fantasy life of ESCAPING the realities of his wife and kids with some other woman only to swan back when life isnt what he thought.

you would be a fool to take him back. I say this having gone through my own breakup in jan that started with an affair.

Remember he didn't just cheat.

He lied.
He ran away.
he abandoned his children.
He didn't give a fuck about how his actions affected everyone else.
He did not care.

You may love him and desperately want the marriage to work. Thats OK but you need to look at him and realise he does not. If he did he wouldn't have done the above.

Sensimilla · 14/12/2017 12:13

See how he feels about his choice after a cosy family christmas with the kids; looking at what to do to celebrate new year

SusannahL · 14/12/2017 12:41

'He chose me'

Three little simple words, but they are SO sad in the context of your situation.

Honeycombcrunch · 14/12/2017 13:10

When he cheats again (which he will because you've shown him his needs matter more than yours) please come back for support through your future divorce.

Good luck to you.

SilverySurfer · 14/12/2017 13:16

How many days ago was it when he unbelievably took your DS to view a house? He wasn't thinking of picking you then was he?

Honestly OP I know it's painful but just read this thread from the beginning.

Branleuse · 14/12/2017 14:46

well, you get what you settle for

user838383 · 14/12/2017 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loobyloo1234 · 14/12/2017 15:04

Sad that he 'chose' you OP. Sad that you have let him back so easily. Look after yourself - I think you'll need all the best wishes you can get

FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2017 11:37

It is about not throwing away what had been a very good marriage.

That's already gone, destroyed.

What you will have in its place will not be good, and will be extremely damaging for your children and for you.

No idea if you are still reading but at least keep the courage inside you to end the farce if (when) you realise what the sham is going to feel like. You had started to pick yourself up, you can and will manage if you (hopefully) tell him to fuck off when you begin to realise the permanent state of misery you're going to be living.

honeyroar · 15/12/2017 12:11

I highly doubt that he'd tried to leave and she'd talked him into staying several times. I don't think he even left this time. I think he looked at another property because she'd said she wanted rid of him, and the reason he took a week to decide finally whether he was choosing you was because she hadn't officially dumped him at that point and he hoped to get back with her. You were second choice and the flat was third, because he's the type that always wants a woman around to look after him and he doesn't like being alone.

Fanciedachange17 · 15/12/2017 17:09

How very sad to read this. Frustrating for those of us who've all been in similar situations and know from experience that broken mirrors may be glued back but the cracks will always remain.

I'm so sorry Tears you feel so emotionally damaged that you've allowed this man more time to destroy you. He will you know.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 15/12/2017 17:18

I'm sorry OP. I'm sorry he chose you - because a blind man with his hands over his ears facing the corner could see exactly how this is going to end. He's going to fuck you over again and that tiny grain of self respect you had left will be washed away in his tide of self pity and selfishness.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/12/2017 17:18

Please don't think anyone will say 'told you so' when this goes wrong.

Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 15/12/2017 17:19

So the collective wisdom of mumsnet proved right again. He came home on Monday, acted coldly on Tuesday, moved back out on Wednesday. I mailed him this morning and told him that I wanted a three month break from thinking about reconciliation as I couldn’t believe him any more. Then this afternoon he told me that he is back together with the OW.
I have been such a gullible fool. I wanted so much to believe that we could make it work out.
And now I have to pick myself back up off the floor and start to rebuild my life again.

OP posts:
GetOutOfThatGarden · 15/12/2017 17:26

Tearsofthemushroom

Sorry? You want a 3 month break from thinking about a reconciliation? So you would be willing to give him another chance? You need to find your anger...and quick. Please respect yourself and take the control away from this bastard, tell him to fuck off.

Offred · 15/12/2017 17:27

Sad Flowers

So sorry he is such a fucker. Is the CF still talking about reconciliation even though he has yoyo’d back into her bed?! Shock

He’s clearly had you both doing ‘pick me’...

Ah well, at least she’s the one who has ‘won’ him.

Consider it like you were in an auction bidding against someone you hate for something you didn’t really want and you deliberately bid higher to push the price up... successfully getting the other person to pay way over the odds for a bit of tat...

Fanciedachange17 · 15/12/2017 17:28

It's shit Tears. Been there and it sets you right back (and I didn't even want the Bastard to return but felt I had to try for the DC).
Right now is as painful as its going to get. You will come through I promise, to the point when you are reminded of him and feel absolutely nothing except maybe a vague WTF was I thinking?

Massive respect to you for being willing to at least try.

TheLongRider · 15/12/2017 17:30

You are not a gullible fool. You tried to repair the situation but HE didn't.

This won't happen to you again. Don't feel guilty, feel upset that this has happened but you will be in a better place now that you have certainty.

You will move on, this will stop hurting, you can get through this horrible situation.

Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 15/12/2017 17:31

Sorry, I told him that I wanted a break before I found out that he had got back with her. That is now obviously off the table. I am done. I am not that much of a doormat!

OP posts: