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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
octonaught · 12/12/2017 09:18

The cheating rat isalready getting his ducks in a row, you need to do the same

^
This

OP, if you do not feel ready to be the one to "pull the plug" on your marriage. At least start doing the practical stuff, get your finances in orders, make copies of statements, everything. If your H is looking at houses, he is well prepared.
My ex put me through the dance for about 6 weeks, till I kicked him out. Turned out that month before, he had already moved his paperwork to his mums.
If you can't face doing it for you, make sure that your kids get the best settlement possible. I'm afraid the writing is on the wall, even if you are not ready to hear it and you need to protect yourself and your children.

I'm sorry.

gingerclementine · 12/12/2017 09:22

In your shoes, I'd be a bit manipulative. I'd tell him home truths but in a very gentle and loving and bewildered voice. Don't give him the luxury of getting angry with you or dismissing you for being angry or blaming you for throwing him out. He will try to make it your fault for being unreasonable/not letting him back etc. It isn't. Keep your head.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/12/2017 09:22

Agree. Those romantic foreign adventures aren’t going to come cheap, especially if he’s planning time off work. Make sure you and the children aren’t paying for them.

IamPickleRick · 12/12/2017 10:12

You don't need a friend telling you "fingers crossed that the cheating rat who has strung you along for all this time pick you!"

You need a friend who says "remove yourself from this degrading dance and hold your head up."

gingerclementine · 12/12/2017 12:17

Yes, Octonaught is right. Watch out that he doesn't spend money the children need to be stably, safely raised in order to fund his new global bloody hobby.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 12/12/2017 12:19

About the traveling: DH and I did that together, with the kids on tow.

You know, that is actually possible.

Marriage and a family isn't something that holds you back, it just means you are a bigger team. But as a family, ideally, you should be a team. And if you want adventures, plan for them together!

The fact that he sees his lovely wife and kids as milsstones is just so depressing.

He is NOT a good father and he is NOT a good husband. Stop saying to yourself he is.

Ironically, if you would remove the choice from him by asking him to leave and start divorce proceedings, he woudl eb more likely to choose you.

But either way, get serious about lawyers and money, don't trust him t be honorable. Once he has moved in with OW (and she gets pregnant) things will change.

Don't take his word for anything, many men lie and then suddenly sluice all funds to OW and new baby....

user838383 · 12/12/2017 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 12/12/2017 20:11

@Joysmum thanks. Seems obvious to me.
How could you let someone treat you like that :)

Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 12/12/2017 22:12

So he chose me last night. Broke it off with her first then asked me if I would still have him back. He has gone and made a running appointment at the marriage counselor that we saw when we first split up. We had a long talk and he has been very weak, a lot down to guilt at what he has done to her, my earlier post explains that. He had tried to break up several times and each time she would persuade him that it was the wrong decision. He is in the spare room and I think that we will give it a bit of time before talking to the DC to make sure that it feels right for me. It has been a very difficult time and I need to be as sure as I can about everything. I still love him but am hurting at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 12/12/2017 22:16

I am financially secure and would just about be able to keep the house etc. So that hasn't been a factor in my decision. It is about not throwing away what had been a very good marriage. And no, he has never slept with anyone else, I am certain of that.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 12/12/2017 22:18

Good luck, I've a horrible feeling you will need it.Also, get screened for STIs and make sure you have some money in your own name in case things don't end up as you hope.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2017 22:24

I hate to say it op, but give it a few weeks or months and the anger and realisation will hit you, the loss of dignity, the humiliation, the pick me dance that you publicly did. The public acceptance of your husband making love to another woman, telling her he loved her, because that’s what he did.

Right now I think you decided you were fighting to beat her. You were scared of change. Of being alone.I think what you didn’t realise is you lost a long time ago. How do you even know she didn’t tell him to get lost, that it was him waiting to be picked all along and you were his back up plan,if she refused him?

So yes, the anger will come. You may have won the battle, but you lost the war the first moment he was naked and inside her.

Brokentobits · 12/12/2017 22:28

I am so sorry you are hurting like this. I have been on both sides. Men are the greatest manipulators. I wish i could give you a better advice but sending you lots of strength and love xx

C0untDucku1a · 12/12/2017 22:28

But he said there were problems in the mareiage disnt he? So not very good at al.

userxx · 12/12/2017 22:29

Bluntness - that was unnecessary.

Good luck op, it's going to be challenging but it can work if it's what you both want.

leftwiththedognow · 12/12/2017 22:31

You have both made the wrong decision. Simple as that.

SunshineTheMonkey · 12/12/2017 22:32

I think Bluntness has absolutely nailed it tbh.

Good luck though OP, maybe you're the exception and it'll be ok.

gingerclementine · 12/12/2017 22:42

FWIW, I know a couple in a similar situation who got back together and have had an uncredibly happy marriage for years after his affair. He was equally horribly insensitive and forgot he had kids - stuff I couldn't tolerate but she did and despite that one event he is in all other ways a good man, which OP has said her DH is. Let's hope she's right. I'm not sure how you can respect a man who puts his dick before his children but if you can, I hope it works out just the way you want it to, on your terms, OP.

NeverTimeForTea · 12/12/2017 22:45

Yep leftwith - wrong decision.

You've opened yourself up to months if not years of unhappiness OP.

LuluJakey1 · 12/12/2017 22:47

He is not wonderful. He had an affair. He has walked out on you to be with her. He is still hedging his bets as if you will both just be waiting with open arms when he makes his choice. He made it when he had the affair. He chooses himself repeatedly.

You should make the best choice for you - dump him. Take control and do not look back at him ever. You will never trust him again now. Every time you start to feel safe, that little niggle will always be there. You will never feel good enough, will always be waiting for another other woman to come along and you won’t know what he will do. Peace of mind has gone with this man. Take control. You deserve someone much better than this.

Timefortea99 · 12/12/2017 22:50

Good luck, hope it all works out for you. Some of the comments on here are really unnecessarily cruel.

FatherChewieLouie · 12/12/2017 23:31

I agree with Bluntness100

charlyn · 12/12/2017 23:35

How will you ever be able to trust him again? I hope you don't come to regret your decision but I honestly can't imagine how it could work.

FatherChewieLouie · 12/12/2017 23:37

We had a long talk and he has been very weak, a lot down to guilt at what he has done to her, my earlier post explains that.

And this. Where is his guilt regarding you, his wife?

Greedynan · 13/12/2017 00:45

☝🏽what the previous person said.

OP your focus is very much about his feelings, sympathy for him, etc.

What about YOU?

I wish you the best. Keep posting and I hope you can feel supported. Some of these comments are harsh but like I said before, people feel strongly about his behaviour and the way you seem to sympathise him.