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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 10:37

Sorry about the title. Meant to say ‘has had’

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 10:43

I'm sorry Flowers

You will get a variery of responses here ranging from "LTB" to "get over it"

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

You have to make your own mind up. You are willing to continue a relationship with a man who pays women to stimulate him sexually or you are not

I would ignore any empty apologies and promises to not do it again. The fact is, he is a punter. This is what he is and he will likely hide it better in the future. Accept it or don't.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 10:45

In honesty, I think you're over-reacting a little.

My husband had a private lap dance at his Stag Do, his friend, also married, had two! He wasn't particularly forth coming with info either but when he realised I was cool with it, we laughed and joked about it all.

He may be completely sincere in his promises to not do it again, now that he knows how upset you are by it and genuinely thought it was a bit of innocent fun with the lads. The excuses came no doubt as a bit of a defence if you started laying into him. He should have been honest but it's understandable that he was trying to keep the peace.

Don't let it destroy your Christmas. He made a mistake, upon hearing how upset you are over it, he's apologised and promised not to do it again. Move on and don't let it drive a wedge.

gillybeanz · 08/12/2017 10:46

So sorry for you.
I'm not sure where you go from here. For me it wouldn't just be the private dance but the lying and his weakness regarding peer pressure.
He's not much of a man if he is swayed so easily.
He did no that it was a no go as far as you were concerned?

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 10:46

If he does it again however...that's a problem as he know's better by that point.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/12/2017 10:46

Didn't want to read and run, so just came here to say Flowers. He's been a lying git, and you must be feeling so betrayed.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/12/2017 10:48

In honesty, I think you're over-reacting a little.

What, about being lied to by your husband over him deliberately choosing to be sexually stimulated by another women, one he had to pay to do this? Three times? I don't think being upset about that is overreacting at all.

BlackEyedKid · 08/12/2017 10:48

“Innocent fun”??

Jesus 🙄

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 10:50

If blokes think it is "innocent fun with the lads" why do they lie about it ?

Why don't they openly discuss how they have paid women to flag their sad dicks up with their wivrs, mums, next door neighbours ?why

Because it is an example of a cowardly inadequate misogynist, that's why

DavetheCat2001 · 08/12/2017 10:50

Grim..sorry OP I would be pissed off about this too.

But then again I find the whole lap-dancing/strip clubs thing tacky and offensive anyway.

NCforthis12345 · 08/12/2017 10:51

It's almost a given that he will do it again but cover his tracks better.

You have to decide if you want to deal with that possibility.

Personally for me I don't think I could. It would damage our sex life and he would come home to an onslaught of questions whenever he has been out out.

NCforthis12345 · 08/12/2017 10:51

And sorry this has happened OP FlowersBrew

SandBlanketCup · 08/12/2017 10:52

Urgh, gross. I'd be seriously pissed off too op. Imagine he walked in on you with a naked man writhing all over you, he'd be furious wouldn't he. Now imagine you'd paid for it, it just makes it worse.

Up to you what you do but if you do decide this isn't something you want to be worrying about every time he goes out, then don't let anyone else put you down. Your feelings are completely valid.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 10:56

Ah, I understand the reaction to my post. But I consider it similar to women having strippers at parties etc. If he knew she wouldn't approve that's a different matter but if he genuinely didn't think it would be a problem, given that it's quite common practice then I think he should be given a little slack and a bit of trust that he won't do it again. If that trust is broken then it only affirms her feelings towards the situation and then only she can decide where to go from there.

Just trying to play devils advocate =)

loulou987 · 08/12/2017 10:56

Ex stripper here.... It’s human nature to look at other people. It’s all just a bit of fun. The dancers don’t want the guys, the guys are mostly well behaved and see it for what is is ( nothing serious ) maybe if it wasn’t ‘ so forbidden ‘ the novelty would wear off. Really ... you have nothing to worry about here. Let it go.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 10:57

Maybe I shouldn't be OK with it and am just far too lenient! Hmm

Babyblues052 · 08/12/2017 10:57

I'd be livid. Not just because of the lap dance I think id be able to get over that but his responses after the fact are disgusting. It's not proper cheating because it was a transaction? Under that philosophy he could go fuck a prostitute and would he consider it cheating because it was a transaction?
He has no respect.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/12/2017 10:59

when he realised I was cool with it, we laughed and joked about it all.

That is no help to the OP. Everybody has their own limits/boundaries.

It's down to trust and respect. If he lies about this, what else does he lie about? He has no respect for you.

PurpleAlerts · 08/12/2017 11:00

It was a transaction ?Jeeez! By that reasoning would he also pay to see a prostitute? Hmm

He's never had a proper affair? What's that supposed to mean? A kiss? A fumble? And you are supposed to be grateful for this? Hmm

I think if he had been up front about it I would be more inclined to forgive and forget but he lied three times. How can anyone think that's ok.

And, if he's lied about this, what else has he not told you about?

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 11:00

He knew I wouldn’t like it, hence why he didn’t tell me, probably. Ge did say that some of his mates’ wives knew and didn’t care about it, but that’s up to them, and the difference is they knew what they were up to, whereas I didn’t and he never had any intention of telling me either.

If he had gone in to a strip club, I would be unhappy about it but having a private dance makes it so much worse. I just never thought he would do something like that. We have two daughters and he also had a teenage daughter from a previous relationship. I just feel so disgusted about the whole thing.

OP posts:
SandBlanketCup · 08/12/2017 11:00

marshmallow we all have our own boundaries. If you feel ok with it then that's good for you.

Killerfiller · 08/12/2017 11:01

I'm not insecure but I'd prefer the only naked body my boyfriend see's is mine !

How disrespectful.

I'd be livid to op !

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/12/2017 11:04

private dance makes it so much worse Yes and he's done it 3 times.
That would make me sick. I personally couldn't get past that.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 11:05

If blokes think it is "innocent fun with the lads" why do they lie about it ?

Because they know we have a tendency to take it too seriously!?

Most women would react in the same way so it has become something of a Taboo which men will not open up about in an effort to keep the peace. Perhaps if we were a little more accepting, we would be kept more in the loop and wouldn't feel so betrayed?

They're not actually allowed to touch. Just look. My DH said it was more amusing than anything, and a slightly seedy experience but an experience none the less. I found it quite funny that his well to do friend had two! He on the other hand, hasn't told his wife as she would fly off the handle. Trust works both ways you know, they have to trust that we won't jump to conclusions and berate their actions without hearing their side first, which sadly in many situations just isn't the case. If they can't trust us, they hide it. They hide it, we find out, they're monsters.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 11:06

It'absolutely nothing to do with insecurity. Being clear about your boundaries is a sign of strength and integrity. This dick has stamped all over that.