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Original poster

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
Sarahh2014 · 08/12/2017 11:06

If it was just going into a strip club id say just let it go as sometimes lads do this on nights out( I'm assuming he's young?) However a private dance imo is similar to being unfaithful as woman naked in close proximity etc they often touch the man but the man can't touch them.My dh told me his friends had paid for a private dance for him on his stag do but he didn't have it. There is no way I can proof otherwise so I let it go but id go crazy if it was proven that he did have one

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 11:06

has a teenage daughter, not had. He admitted he would not be happy if it was his daughters stripping. I did say to him would he not find sex with a prostitute cheating then if he paid for it, he said he would see that as cheating Hmm

OP posts:
marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 11:07

^when he realised I was cool with it, we laughed and joked about it all.

That is no help to the OP. Everybody has their own limits/boundaries.^

Yes and no. I think sometimes it's helpful to see someone else's point of view. I thought that was the whole point!? Sometimes someone needs to play devils advocate to balance things a little. =)

SandBlanketCup · 08/12/2017 11:07

Why should we have to 'allow' something that makes us feel sick just to be able to hear the truth??
Also it's definitely not just looking. If you've got the money and you find the right sex worker then you can pay for a lot more than looking

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 11:08

What a complete surrendered manpleaser you sound, marsh

Women should be more accepting of their men paying for sexual services and then all would be well ? Do you realise what you are saying ?

Nomoresugar · 08/12/2017 11:09

If my husband was doing this then I would happily perv on good looking men.

As women, we don't even need to pay for it.

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 11:09

No he’s not young, he is in his 40s.

OP posts:
DavetheCat2001 · 08/12/2017 11:10

Yeah it's funny how these men wouldn't find the idea palatable of their own precious princesses shaking their tits in a creepy mans face and stuffing money in their g-strings.

Hypocrisy at it's very finest Hmm

TDHManchester · 08/12/2017 11:12

I'm a guy,call me boring if you like but the lap dance club scene doesn't appeal. I have never been to one and have no desire to do so. In my view, and it is only my view, its just another form of prostitution.

I'd be even less inclined to visit one if i were in a relationship. I would consider it disrespectful.

Some clubs and i stress, SOME clubs, allow sexual contact in the private rooms.

Changedname3456 · 08/12/2017 11:13

I’ve (male) never walked past a strip bar and thought it looked like an attractive prospect. They look pretty grim on the outside and all the fly on the wall type documentaries I’ve seen make them look pretty tacky and, honestly, boring on the inside.

I’ve never been in one, although I’ve been invited a few times when mates have wanted to carry on drinking. Paying well over the odds for watered down drinks and the “company” of someone who just wants to fleece you for as much as possible? Grim.

I got over being that desperate to see a naked woman once I popped my cherry.

Babyblues052 · 08/12/2017 11:14

Forgive my ignorance about how strip clubs work but I'm assuming that private dance means in a room alone with the woman?

I ask because would he be okay with you being in a private room with a naked man dancing for you and rubbing himself on you? Would he think it was out of order? I'd bet my life he would be raging.

Also there was a thread on here a week or two ago about what is considered cheating and almost everyones opinion was that anything from messages to actual sex that the person feels they have to hide or engaging in things that should only be done with a partner. I'm not saying you should think he's cheated that's totally personal and up to you, what I am saying is his behaviour and attitude after it's disgusting considering he knows how you feel.

IF362525 · 08/12/2017 11:14

You only have control over your own actions so what you do from here is what matters. If you feel that strongly about it then any action you take is justified.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 11:17

Wow OK. I'll bow out as insults are now being thrown which is a little harsh! We all have our boundaries as someone has put it, insulting someone for their point of view seems unreasonable. I just tried to help provide a balanced perspective, rather than jumping on the man bashing bandwagon which in this day and age, is so easy to do.

By all means, be p'd off and let him know how you feel but if he didn't touch and it went no further then I personally would try to look past it. If he slept with/touched/kissed someone else then that's a different matter.

Hope you work it out OP. Do what is right for you but try not to let something like that destroy your new marriage. Everyone makes mistakes, he shouldn't however, make the same mistake twice.

Moanyoldcow · 08/12/2017 11:19

Marshmallow - you know that 'not touching' thing is bollocks, don't you?

I know a bloke (not my DH!) who had a 'dance' and she spun him the 'I don't let many men touch me...' nonsense but let him touch her bare arse and breasts.

The men are just punters as AF said and the women are looking to get as much as they can out of them.

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 11:24

He did make the same mistake twice though, he’s done it three times! And I’m not convinced that he sees it as a mistake either. He knew I wouldn’t be happy with it but still did it, and I bet he would have continued doing it as well.

OP posts:
marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 11:25

That's interesting Moanyoldcow and no, I didn't know it was a load of bollocks! (obviously). Certainly changes things if that's the case. I guess though it depends on the club and the women. A little unfair to assume that because one or two that you know of allow touching, they are all the same. I guess that's something that's impossible to find out unless you go and speak to the specific stripper!

ArcheryAnnie · 08/12/2017 11:29

The dancers don’t want the guys

We all know that, loulou. That's why the guys have to pay. I don't judge the women doing the dancing, FWIW, just the men doing the using. If a man in a relationship is having a lap dance, then he's cheating. That's what I judge. It doesn't make any difference that the women he's cheating with has no interest in him beyond a few quid.

RestingGrinchFace · 08/12/2017 11:31

Ewwww!

Sorry but that is really gross. I don't know what to say OP. I don't really see anything wrong with it morally. He's not cheating and the stripper is supposedly consenting fully to it. You've just made a poor choice I guess. Time to live with it.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 11:31

Yes, three times before you confronted him. But if he knew you wouldn't approve then as I said before, it's different. What I mean is that if he does it again, after you making your feelings well known then that proves the suspicions of everyone here and he is, without a doubt betraying your trust and demonstrating his lack of respect for you.

It's easy for us all to judge but without knowing the inner workings of a relationship, the balance of trust and what each partner are lead to believe about the other, it's unfair to jump to conclusions.

OP if you can honestly say that you know FOR A FACT that he knew you wouldn't approve then yes, he's a twat. But if you've had strippers at your hen do for example and not seen anything wrong with it, or have made light of it in the past then just maybe, he didn't think you would react so strongly.

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 11:32

It’s not the women that bothers me either, it’s DH thinking it’s acceptable behaviour for him to pay a woman to strip naked. He did say there was no touching, but then again he would say that.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 08/12/2017 11:33

You honestly think she made an exception for my beardy, scruffy, not especially 'well-kept' mate who obviously wasn't loaded?

He was drunk, on a stag do and was spending all the money he could. She did what I would imagine most women in that position would - milked him for all the cash she could get in the most palatable way.

I'm sure not all strippers let men touch them, but I bet it's way more than you think.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/12/2017 11:35

Nice bit of solidarity there, RestingGrinchFace. Hmm

Joysmum · 08/12/2017 11:39

Him getting a private lap dance was more important to him than respecting you and your relationship, he knew this and that’s why he wasn’t open about it.

Who could be comfortable with disrespecting the views of their partner this way?

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 11:42

Victim blaming bullshit, RGF.

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 11:44

It's up to you OP whether you chose to believe what he has told you or not. If you don't think he's being entirely truthful then perhaps a lack of trust is a bigger issue here? Whether he deserves it or not, you clearly don't trust him to tell you the full story.

He may well absolutely deserve your distrust, but he may not. The fact is, you distrust him. There's a fine and tricky line I'll admit, between trusting and being taken for a mug (being too trusting!) but if this early on, you don't have faith in what he is telling you or, that he won't do it again then I think you have some thinking to do as that's not a nice relationship to be in.

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