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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 17:42

However he paid for attention from another woman and you wouldn’t stand for it whether it’s a club or Sharon down the road.

That's the bottom line.

Babyblues052 · 08/12/2017 17:45

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anothersuitcase · 08/12/2017 17:46

Bottom line is he ok with you dangling your tits in another blokes face? Because it's irrelevant who's naked/ who's doing what, it's a sexual liaison which is cheating.

Offred · 08/12/2017 17:50

What you mean is that this behaviour is not institutional roverman.... and that’s why it doesn’t compare...

deckoff · 08/12/2017 17:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deckoff · 08/12/2017 17:54

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Be3Al2SiO36 · 08/12/2017 17:56

I don't really see anything wrong with it morally. He's not cheating and the stripper is supposedly consenting fully to it.

Er...I do not think it is like that. Society has major problems where because a young woman is good looking she is pressured into exploiting her looks to work for £100 an hour to send money home to her family. Shame. Great shame she was not allowed to become a great doctor, lawyer or teacher just because she could flaunt, choices were never given to her. Oh, and services are only offered if customers want them. Puts him right up in the dock I'd say!

Offred · 08/12/2017 18:02

And this kind of behaviour from women has come about entirely because of the toxic culture of masculinity. Women who behave like that are responding to thousands of years of oppression by copying what men do.

It doesn’t make it right but this culture of objectification and disrespect has come from toxic ideas about masculinity...

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 18:02

deckoff - no need to make a spectacle of yourself. Nobody cares really.
I can tell you that my DH has been in strip clubs once or twice in his twenties, but I know he hasn't since we've been together. You may find that hard to believe, but just being a "man" doesn't give you authority to speak for all of them.
Men who have it going on for them - and I mean looks, charisma, even money - tend to have it going on for them in real life, so they don't need to pretend or pay for anything. That's the difference.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 18:08

Ugh, slimeball turns up to regale us with how he loves to mix with another breed of supercool women. Sex women, they are, who love to perform just for his peronal attention. Who wouldn't give him the time of day if they weren't paid to do so Grin

And us fat and disinterested hausfraus should be glad he comes home to the likes of us after he has pawed girls young enough to be his daughter. What a stud he is. I'm almost sad I am married to a decent bloke

Offred · 08/12/2017 18:08

It appears your attempt to be outrageous in order to indicate sarcasm has failed @deckoff.... it’s just too believable!

Shock
deckoff · 08/12/2017 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 18:09

Offered ,get off your high horse , women can't except they are just as bad as men and always have been ,it's just that feminism has made it look as if it's only men which is utter crap!
This is not helping the op decide what to do about HER morals being trampled over.

AngelsSins · 08/12/2017 18:11

I'd love to know how many of these men would be "cool" with their wives having a naked man grind all over her in private...

Offred · 08/12/2017 18:11

Oh get over yourself roverman....

deckoff · 08/12/2017 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 18:14

These high specimens of manhood who claim to know the ins and outs of supercool women...

Yet here they are in a Friday night ON MUMSNET!!!! GrinGrinGrin

SquirrelPlantedBeech · 08/12/2017 18:15

I knew how your post was intended, Deck. Surprised others are misunderstanding.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/12/2017 18:15

Op

Its the deceit and lack of respect I would struggle with, its just so sleazy and pathetic

mehhh · 08/12/2017 18:16

I would be furious

Get yourself a male stripper and have some "harmless fun" with the girls

2 months after a baby as well

Be3Al2SiO36 · 08/12/2017 18:17

I have never been in a strip club, lap dancing place. Never been invited by any of my 'mates' to go to Amsterdam or Blackpool for the weekend.

I am 100% certain I am not gay either.

Oh, maybe there is just a couple of blokes on here who have no savings, never quite reached their potential, no impact on the world, long forgotten after they have gone, with very very sticky carpets.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 18:18

Nice to see, when women don't like something they turn abusive .thought women didn't do that . Oh I forget they are human as well, silly me ,I thought they were objects to be put on a pedestal because they are better than men ,my mistake , guess I'm a misogynist then .

By the way I think op's husband is an idiot but as i'm male I guess that doesn't count .
Before anyone asks I've never been to or want to go to those types of establishments!

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 08/12/2017 18:19

As for the bare fanny comments... FML that’s actually uncommon

It does go on though.

The smell of some sex worker’s BV on one’s partner’s clothing is quite unmistakable. Envy

Babyblues052 · 08/12/2017 18:20

And what is it they say about sarcasm? Wink

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 18:21

rover for the record I despise women who act like you describe too