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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
Dadstheworld · 08/12/2017 14:35

As far as the ladies go, the ones I spoke to, seemed to be mainly using it to pay through university, rather than a career in itself.

StickyProblem · 08/12/2017 14:38

Dad you were a punter. They wouldn’t say they were supporting a heroin habit or paying off a gangmaster, would they?

Kentnurse2015 · 08/12/2017 14:40

Lying about it, doing it more than once and paying for a private dance?

Nope. I'd go mad

crazycatgal · 08/12/2017 15:01

Why do some people try and say that visiting strip clubs and paying for lap dances is normal for men? There are plenty of men who wouldn't do it.

How do you feel about it all OP?

kittensinmydinner1 · 08/12/2017 15:03

It wouldn't worry me but I'm not you. It does upset you. So what now ?

You can either make your feelings known and move on. Or LTB. Both are valid responses. The only thing I would advise against is going on about it but actually not leaving. That achieves nothing but a miserable Christmas for all, especially you.

Make your decision and stick with it.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2017 15:04

someone is a career lap dancer, it’s pretty safe to assume they’ll do more if the price is right

Doesn’t really work like that.

The women pay a fee to the club to dance. They then have to make back enough in dances to cover their fee, bearing in mind they’re also paying 20% of their dance income to the management.

It’s very competitive between the girls to make enough money to cover their fees and earn enough. If one girl’s starts offering extras there’s pressure on them all to have to do so to survive. And of course there’s pressure from the punters to do more and offer stuff after hours.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2017 15:06

I don’t know if anyone really aims for a career in lap dancing, they’re generally paying for something, whether it’s education or a child or debt etc. Tho I think the number of women who do it to pay for education is exaggerated though.

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 15:12

I'm really sorry OP. How could he go this to you just a month into your marriage?
Don't listen to any excuses and twisted logic from the likes of marshmallow. It's not at all the same as women going to see "the Dreamboys" or whoever. We all know it's not.
Respect is vital in any relationship and I could not respect a man who is a punter. The fact he can't see the issue would make me lose respect even more. He is seedy, small-minded and lacking in integrity - particularly as he has a wife and three daughters!
Men like this like to make out "everyone does it" but the fact is, everyone does not do it.
There are better men and you deserve one. Actions speak louder than words and his actions show you who he truly is.
I'm really sorry, but nobody needs a tosser like this and you'll be better off without him - now and in the long run.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2017 15:17

Honestly OP in all the 11 years you’ve been together, do you think those are the only 3 times he’s done it? I’d be surprised.

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 15:19

They rub their bare fannies on the punter’s crotch area, presumably the lapdancer’s bare tits are slapping about his face at the same time.

I had no opinion about lapdancing clubs until the ex came home with VERY smelly jeans after visiting one. Then it clicked what actually went on in these places.

Women who believe that men who go to these places are just going for fun are incredibly naive. DDDS is spot on. This is exactly what goes on. And the VERY smelly jeans? They're sniffing them whilst wanking.

I don't know what some women think these places are like. Maybe they think it's a woman on a podium on the other side of the room and the men are chatting about the football and their wives whilst drinking beer and discussing how little Jimmy is getting on at school. Or laughing at their mates being embarrassed by a sexually confident, attractive young woman...

I think some women are utterly deluded if they think these places are fine.

I would love to understand what the women who don't have an issue with it imagine it to be like. Or maybe it's me who's got it all wrong...

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 15:23

My last boyfriend didn't watch porn or go to strip clubs/lap dancing clubs and it was really obvious. Sex with him was completely different to the sex I've had with men over recent years who I suspected did watch porn, at the least. I know porn isn't the topic of this thread, but it's all part and parcel of the same thing as far as I'm concerned.

So I know not all men do it...

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 15:25

The fact is that not all men are created equally. The ones at the bottom of the barrel can't relate to men of greater integrity because they just don't have it within them to do so.
It's one thing doing this as a single man, but once you see your husband as pathetic it's hard to recover from that.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 15:48

dads the ones you "chatted" to (while copping an eyefull of their tits) where simply paying their way through Uni

If it you makes you feel better about punting, you carry on thinking that credulous thicko

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 15:49
  • were
Isitwinteryet · 08/12/2017 16:52

Sorry op. That's disgusting and a complete lack of respect. I'd have reacted the same as you did. I've never been in this situation so I can't really say for sure but I'm pretty sure it would be a deal breaker for me. Flowers

KickAssAngel · 08/12/2017 17:19

How much has this cost him? He's lied, cheated & squandered family money.

Not just once, but three times.

deckoff · 08/12/2017 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 17:27

Anyfucker ,I've read a lot of you comments on lots of subjects and you usually give really good advice ,but when a subject like this comes up if someone doesn't agree with you .you seem to have a chip on your shoulder and if people don't agree you turn nasty , not nice .
I also get the feeling any bloke ( me included) on a subject like this will always be seen as the bad guy .I used to work in a bar some of the things I've seen women do on a hen night might make some people realise women can be just as bad if not worse (full sex in the bar)when questioned apparently the other halves would not find out.
It's down to people's morals and if they think they can get away with it . We all have different boundaries

Offred · 08/12/2017 17:34

One person from one hen night one time behaving really badly towards one man doesn’t compare with institutional objectification, oppression and abuse of women roverman... Hmm

No-one is criticising men. People are criticising toxic masculinity which seems to value disrespect and objectification of women and abuse generally.

This is not maleness, it is socialisation of males to believe this is how to be a man.

Templeofdoom1974 · 08/12/2017 17:35

Youre not overreacting at all. My sisters ex-husband had a string of private lapdances, lied about it and now 3 years later they are getting divorced. I don't like this concept that its all a bit of fun. Its not, he's paying another woman to sexually stimulate him. End of.

Templeofdoom1974 · 08/12/2017 17:36

What Offred said

Animation86 · 08/12/2017 17:38

I think some women are utterly deluded if they think these places are fine

I think some women have little knowledge of strippers...

Not all strippers do privates. Not all strippers offer extra. In fact it’s pretty rude to assume so! Strippers do not automatically equal escorting.

As for the bare fanny comments... FML that’s actually uncommon

Animation86 · 08/12/2017 17:40

OP in answer to your question (sorry I do not tolerate the stripper community being slated in the way some of these women have!!!)

Everyone’s got boundaries. I wouldn’t be amused myself from where you are standing. This is all on him, the girls just do what they are paid for. They don’t lack morals per se.

However he paid for attention from another woman and you wouldn’t stand for it whether it’s a club or Sharon down the road.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 08/12/2017 17:42

he doesn't have any desire to go in a strip club but he doesn't think he can just sit it out /it's antisocial/ it makes him look silly/ it makes me look controlling and have trust issues

Or 'other wives and partners are fine with it. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you' Or 'it's just a bit of innocent fun'

It's always minimized and someone else's fault isn't it Hmm

It wouldn't be in our house. I want a man who makes his own decisions and who respects mine.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 17:42

Offered , wasn't just once , I worked in the bar for five years , must have seen it a couple of hundred times a lot of women will do exactly the same as what we as men are accused off if they are given the chance and their partners won't find out especially after alcohol has been consumed , you accuse men of been misogynist and objectifiying women ,yet women are/can be just as bad towards men ,it just isn't so out in the open.
Not helping op here though ,it's her decision as to where to go next