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Original poster

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 12:13

Ellisandra, sorry to have caused offence. I should have quoted the phrase as the words were of his, not mine.

Clearly I'm out on a limb here so I shall wish the OP the best of luck and say no more =)

TammySwansonTwo · 08/12/2017 12:14

Bollocks. Men don't think women will be fine with this and then just happen not to mention it three times. They think "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I don't want to be married to someone who has such little respect for my feelings.

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 12:15

This attitude many men have towards women is the main reason I choose to be single.

They generally don't even have the balls to be honest about it so that we can make an informed choice about dating them.

So I have just issued a personal blanket ban.

I'd love to meet a good and decent man, but they seem so thin on the ground...

StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2017 12:17

"maybe if it wasn’t ‘ so forbidden ‘ the novelty would wear off. "

We're talking about a grown adult not a toddler with a bag of sweets.

WickedLazy · 08/12/2017 12:18

"and naked women writhing in their faces"

And the other stuff...

"it's utter bollocks about no touching allowed!
Some places, yes.
But generally - you can have whatever you're prepared to pay for"

Naive to think otherwise. Lots of over the clothes rubbing, neck rubbing, thigh rubbing for a start. It can be akin to foreplay, and on some stag do's, they don't even go to strip clubs at all, it's on the "itinerary", but in reality some go to brothels, and some go for a beer or to try to source drugs.

"What happens on tour, stays on tour" Someone should have told my ex this, he loved to gossip about stag parties etc and what really went on (just not his own antics...).

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 12:25

It's ridiculous to compare a private dance for a man, to a stripper for women.

In the vast majority of cases:

Women and stripper: a group of women publicly laughing in a totally non sexual way, at an act that's designed for fun not titillation, in environment where there are unlikely to be further services available for a fee

Man and private dance: a man on his own watching a woman dance in a sexual way, in an environment where further services are often available and being pushed (we all have sales targets!)

My XH once said it was "just a bit of fun, watching a dance". Funny how he had zero interest in coming to see Northern Ballet with me, hmmmm?

Now, a boyfriend from many years ago went to a club in Amsterdam where he and a large group of men watched a woman shoot ping pong balls across the room from her vagina, as part of her dance. I believed him that that was a bit of fun. I can picture when all laughing.

But the man having a private dance? Where is the non sexual "fun" in that?

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 12:28

I agree, Ellisandra. It's all good fodder for the wankbank for when he's back at home with his less lithe and lovely wife at the very least.

No chance.

Sarahjconnor · 08/12/2017 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 12:34

I divorced my XH for using prostitutes.

As a result, I was very up front with my fiancé: any kind of strip club is an absolute no for me, if you want to go to them, I'm not the woman for you. No strip clubs, no dances.

He was shocked. He said that it was good to know my position, because in a group he can imagine ending up in a strip club - he never has, but he wouldn't have refused.

But the dance? He was actually offended! He said why the fuck would I ever think a dance was acceptable when I have a girlfriend? And actually gently suggested that my view of normal was skewed by my XH.

There are men out there, who don't want to have dances, who see it as unacceptable themselves and are surprised that a girlfriend would have to tell them it was!

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 12:52

He knows it was wrong, he just didn’t care as long as I didn’t know about it. I am disappointed because I’ve been with him 11 years, I thought I knew him. He is close to his mother and sister, and has a lot of female colleagues that he gets on well with and appears to respect. So, I thought he respected women, now I find he doesn’t. Not me, nor the women he paid to strip.

OP posts:
Offred · 08/12/2017 12:58

Marsh - but your husband has still demonstrated an attitude that I would find unacceptable and disrespectful. He believed you would be against it so what he chose to do was do it anyway but lie/keep it secret.

There is a difference in that you are ok with the actual thing he did that probably means it is less bad for you...

But the problem is not solved by all women being ok with things they are not ok with (and TBH for many very good reasons). It is solved by as a society getting over this kind of toxic masculinity that creates male entitlement and disrespectful and abusive behaviour towards women that is just considered to be ‘part of being a man/being with a man’.

Offred · 08/12/2017 13:03

And this crap about it just being fun and not sexual is totally exposed if you ask them - would you pay your DD to dance/strip/do porn for you? Would you be ok with your DD being a stripper/sex worker/porn star?

Of course they wouldn’t... because they lie about it because they know it shows a dodgy attitude towards women they don’t think it is fun, it is sexual....

MeltingSnowflake · 08/12/2017 13:08

If it was a one off on a stag do, I probably wouldn't mind too much - but three times... I wouldn't be happy about it at all. It's just really sleazy.

Categoric · 08/12/2017 13:08

If you can’t bear to look at him, send him to his Mum’s for a few days to give you a break. Or go to your Mum’s if you can.

Communicate very clearly with him, he has done something 3 times that he knew you disapproved of, he bought consent from various women, he has lied about it and doesn’t realise the seriousness of his behaviour. You need to process all that given that you have just made wedding vows to each other that he has broken.

I will get flamed for this but I would discuss it with your parents and his too. You have 2 young children and this could wreck your marriage, you need their support. He may think that he is supercool going to these clubs but I suspect his sisters and your parents will not agree. He needs other people to tell him what an idiot he is being, rather than agreeing with his stupid friends that this is just grown up fun.

And tell him to get some counselling for his behaviour. Telling you to be grateful that he is not having a real affair is grounds for divorce alone.

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 13:39

I have thought about telling my Mum about it, and asking him to go to his parents and tell them what has happened, but I know he could never admit it to them. I do think he doesn’t see the seriousness of it. He was apologetic for the first day or so, but after this he’s obviously been pissed off that I don’t want to speak to him, and has been pretty sarcastic and clearly thinks I should just get over it. I told him it’s not just the lap dances, it’s the lies. And for him to do it so soon after we were married is a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
Offred · 08/12/2017 13:45

If it’s all so fine why won’t he tell his mum?

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 13:45

  • He could never admit it to his parents.
  • He doesn't see the seriousness of it.

Those two things don't sit together!!
He knows damn well it's serious - or he could tell them.

I might not dump her over the lapdance (these days I would, actually) but I would dump him over him expecting you to just STFU now Sad

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 14:01

Personally for me I wouldn’t want to be with type of man who would do this. My husband and I have chatted about this in the past and I think for me, his views on strip clubs etc were one of the reasons he’s ‘the one’. He did go into a club on a stag weekend away a few years back abroad (not initially realising it wasn’t a normal night club) Had a beer then left with a friend to go back to the hotel once it was obvious was type of place it was. I know a lot of people will say you’re over reacting etc but for me, no, I wouldn’t like it at all. Not going to do a feminist rant but I don’t like the exploitation of women in that regard (I’m sure not all of them want to be there out of choice) and wouldn’t want to be married to a man who didn’t respect all women. But that’s just me. If ever my husband and I get into a difficult situation I say ‘how would you like it if it was the other way round’ that normally gives him the answer of whether something is reasonable or not.

Mulch · 08/12/2017 14:04

Everyone has their own boundaries. Only you know what yours are op. It's easy typing to Ltb or stay and tolerate it but your living it

cakecakecheese · 08/12/2017 14:12

He was apologetic for the first day or so, but after this he’s obviously been pissed off that I don’t want to speak to him, and has been pretty sarcastic and clearly thinks I should just get over it. I told him it’s not just the lap dances, it’s the lies. And for him to do it so soon after we were married is a kick in the teeth.

This is the bit that concerns me, he should be trying to win back your trust but instead he thinks it's enough to apologise and then you'll 'get over it'.

Dadstheworld · 08/12/2017 14:15

When I've been on stags, The organisers have always been upfront about going to lap dancing clubs. Never been a secret to partners. If my OH expressed any concern about it, I just wouldn't go. It's always a really awkward experience anyway. I couldn't imagine just popping into a strip club on a night out.

My OH went to see Dreamboys recently too which sounded like a fun night.

The fact he lied means he valued going along to the club over his honesty to you. That's the troubling fact.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 08/12/2017 14:24

They rub their bare fannies on the punter’s crotch area, presumably the lapdancer’s bare tits are slapping about his face at the same time.

I had no opinion about lapdancing clubs until the ex came home with VERY smelly jeans after visiting one. Then it clicked what actually went on in these places.

If someone is a career lap dancer, it’s pretty safe to assume they’ll do more if the price is right.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 08/12/2017 14:26

So Dads you’re happy to be a punter as long as your OH is cool about it?

Dadstheworld · 08/12/2017 14:31

I have no moral objection to the places existing. It's not a place I'd choose to spend any more time in however.

Categoric · 08/12/2017 14:34

He knows he’s in the wrong so he’s bullying you to put you back in your box and so he can continue doing as he wants.

If it was me, I would go and stay with my Mum and leave him to it for a few days. I wouldn’t leave a note and I would definitely tell my Mum.

Things won’t magically return to normal now unless you accept what he has done. You don’t seem in the mood for that and you are not being over sensitive or over reacting.