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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 08/12/2017 11:46

It would be a deal breaker for me. And my husband knows it. Perhaps that's why he has behaved for all these years.

Offred · 08/12/2017 11:46

It’s not just about touching or nakedness or sex or cheating though is it?

Many women don’t want to be with men who believe that you can purchase sexual services from women for money.

Many women don’t want to be with men who, despite discomfort themselves, still indulge and encourage other men who believe in the above.

The whole ‘they won’t lie if you are cool with it’ thing is even completely undermined by your own story Marsh. You are cool with it, your h still was secretive.

Men are secretive about this because they know it shows a dodgy attitude towards women as people, not because women object to it.

It is not all women’s job to be cool with crap men do if men respected women enough to just be honest about what they are into, rather than thinking it is acceptable to do what they want and trick women by lying then there wouldn’t be a problem... but probably more men would be alone...

mummarosie1 · 08/12/2017 11:47

See I have a massive issue with my partner going to strip clubs. It just makes me sad that he would want to pay to see other women.
DP is going to a stag do in August and has pretty much already said that the organisers are definitely planning to visit (probably multiple) strip clubs.
Not really sure how to address this, DP says he doesn't have any desire to go in a strip club but he doesn't think he can just sit it out /it's antisocial/ it makes him look silly/ it makes me look controlling and have trust issues.

What to do?

Joysmum · 08/12/2017 11:49

RestingGrinchFace perhaps it would help you to understand if you think of your partner repeatedly doing something he knows YOU would consider inappropriate. He knows you thinks it’s inapropriaye and would hurt you but that doesn’t stop him so he keeps doing it and keeps it secret.

Now imagine someone lacking the understanding of how hurt you’d feel and how you’d be questioning your whole relationship and thinking they are cooler than you and telling you you’re overreacting because they’d be ok with it.

Perhaps now you understand Hmm

Original poster
msevs · 08/12/2017 11:49

He admitted he would hate it if it was the other way round. I don’t know why it would need spelling out to him that I would not approve of what he did. The fact he said his mates’ wives knew but he couldn’t bring himself to tell me says a lot, he knew I would never have approved of it. I have told him before that I think it’s all sleazy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 11:52

Rosie...are you asking for advice what to do ?

In your situation, my H would not be going on that trip in the first place. But if he did, he knows he would come back to an empty house. So it would be his choice to throw his marriage away for the sake of seeing some new tits and sharing his hard on with his mates.

Moanyoldcow · 08/12/2017 11:53

Mumma - my DH was in the same position a couple of years ago. He went for food, drinks, to the nightclub and then went back to the hotel when they went to the strip club. He has very firm ideas about them (being nasty).

All the blokes assumed it was me 'stopping' him and thought he'd be well up for it when they got there. He absolutely refused and they were all apparently very surprised.

Moanyoldcow · 08/12/2017 11:55

And 2 others who hadn't been brave enough to refuse initially followed him back to the hotel. I believe they played a board game!

mummarosie1 · 08/12/2017 11:56

@AnyFucker thanks. Yeah I have said that I hope that my feelings are more important than him having to tell his friends he isn't going in the strip clubs. We are engaged and have a young baby, so he's definitely got a lot to lose! I would say that I trust that he will keep his word but equally it's still playing on my mind... so maybe I don't actually trust him as much as a I think??

Beachcomber · 08/12/2017 11:58

Sorry to hear this for you.

I couldn't be with a man who even thinks that it is OK to pay women to service him sexually let alone one who actually does it and lies about it.

I would have no respect for him and would have to assume that he is a misogynist. Men like this classify women into categories, something which makes my skin crawl.

But only you can know if you want to try to move forward with him on this. I think he will lie to you and tell you what you want to hear and then do exactly as he likes.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/12/2017 11:59

Agreed, AnyFucker. mummarosie I would not give a shit about seeming "controlling" about any partner of mine supporting the sex industry, even if he wasn't personally going to have sex with any of them.

thegrinchreaper · 08/12/2017 11:59

He openly said he doesn't see it as a problem as it was a transaction. It being a transaction is precisely what makes it wrong- morally. He's identified himself as someone who believes women are objects to be bought.
That's without even taking into account the disrespect he's shown you. Urgh!

Beachcomber · 08/12/2017 12:01

And the fact that he is doing this whilst you have just had a child with him would disgust me beyond the point of even bothering to talk to him about future behaviour. But that's just me.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 12:03

Purely from what you have said he said about it, Rosie it looks like you cannot trust him to get caught up in the ma le bravado. The what goes on tour, stays on tour excuse fpr bad behaviour

He would not be going on the trip at all.

Recently, my 50 + husband was invited on his friend's son stag to a notorious sex destination. There was no question at all that he might go. If my husband paid onr penny towards the sex industry he would forfeit his marriage. To me, it is that black and white and he respects that. I have no body hang ups, am completely secure in my own sex appeal and he expects the same attitude towards him from me, btw.

ParcelPop · 08/12/2017 12:03

In my own opinion, this just isn't acceptable.

It's not to say that you should feel the same way as me though.

I think he's crossed a line and it's simple really. He obviously wants other women to turn him on.

The Q's now are these,

Can you live with that?

Can you live knowing he's still doing it even if he promises that he will stop from now onwards?

Can you live with your head buried in the sand?

What type of example is he being to your DC?

Thanks Really feel for you, OP.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 12:05

not to get caught up

WickedLazy · 08/12/2017 12:06

That would be a deal breaker for me. If he wants other women to sit on him while naked, he can be single! Paying for it or not...

Beachcomber · 08/12/2017 12:07

Yes, exactly - it's the transaction side to it that would make it an unforgivably contemptible way to behave for me.

WickedLazy · 08/12/2017 12:08

Sorry that came out all wrong *if he wants naked women to sit on him

Bananamanfan · 08/12/2017 12:08

It's clear that he is not to be trusted as he has been deceitful. I don't suppose he forgot to mention 3 visits to a strip club.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 12:08

Marshmallow, it's utter bollocks about no touching allowed!
Some places, yes.
But generally - you can have whatever you're prepared to pay for.

It's easy to say that you're OK with it and entitled to that opinion.

But I did notice with sadness that you described your husband's friend's wife as "likely to fly off the handle". That is a completely unfair thing to say and utterly undermines your position that you think people can have different opinions and that's OK. Describing her as flying off the handle is very dismissive of her opinion.

There are two reactions a woman can fairly have, it's her decision:

  • not care (your reaction)
  • care (the OP's reaction, the anticipated reaction of the wife you mention)

The latter is not "flying off the handle".

You can not care about it all you want.

But DO NOT use language that makes a woman who does not care seem over the top, difficult, illogical, etc.

It is perfectly valid to think that your partner is a disgusting piece of shit for betraying you, without that being called "flying off the handle" Hmm

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 12:09

OP, then it was definitely a sh*tty and selfish thing to do.

Offred you talk a lot of sense and have helped me in previous posts and I see what you're saying. It's a bit of a double edged sword as he didn't realise I was cool with it until I coaxed it out of him after the event! But we equally hadn't discussed it before hand. It was fortunate in a way for us, that I was OK with it.

Had I made it clear that I didn't want him to do it, or he knew with certainty that I wouldn't like it, and he still went ahead and did it, that's a different story.

Had we discussed it before hand and I said "feel free just no touching" etc he'd have been open about it from the start.

If there is one thing I have learnt on my own little journey that not enough can be said for effective communication between couples. That is the foundation for trusting and respectful relationships.

He perhaps should have come clean after the first experience to see how she felt about it before embarking on two further little adventures! Or even spoken to her before hand if he thought that it was on the cards and wasn't just a spontaneous, heat of the moment, lads paid for and shoved him in a room with a stripper type situation. Hindsight however is a wonderful thing! OP and her H could use this experience to build a stronger more open relationship, if he's not willing however that raises questions of it's own.

mylittlepony6 · 08/12/2017 12:10

My husband did this, I was absolutely furious and really hurt. We have been together ten years. It is wrong to me on so many levels. I have got over it now. He has made the decision not to go on any more male only holidays and make me his priority. It's a difficult one, as other have said, it depends how you feel about the situation. Good luck OP

TammySwansonTwo · 08/12/2017 12:11

I'm shocked that you're surprised you had to spell it out for him. Male entitlement in action. They're entitled to have their cake and eat it - a wife plus as much porn as they can watch and naked women writhing in their faces for a fee. If their wives were up to the same stuff they'd be livid.

This is what happens when this stuff becomes so normalised. Personally I would leave but I know that's a massive decision.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 12:12

In my opinion, his reaction - lies, minimising - are the problem.

If he genuinely thought it was OK and you didn't mind, wouldn't he have at first been confused that it was an issue and then - pretty much instantly - really apologetic and worried about the impact of what he'd done?

I did something that it never occurred to me would upset my OH. My only reaction was "oh god I'm so sorry - I had no idea, I'm gutted I've made you feel this way".

Whether you think it's innocent fun (and hands up, I don't) or not, he knew you wouldn't like it. Therefore - he was wrong to do it.