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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 09/12/2017 17:34

You're asking the wrong question. Do you think these women would do it if it did pay the same as Tesco? Some would, probably. Not most though.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/12/2017 17:48

msevs, the lying (he lied to your face at least 3 times!) would be something I'd find very hard to get over in a relationship. How can you ever trust him again? I have mixed feelings about the sex industry, but there is no way I'd want a partner of mine to interract with a naked woman other than me. It's also really sleazy. I bet the dancers have to grit their teeth as the pathetic men drool over them and I couldn't bear thinking my partner would be one of them. As for the attitude that some men excuse it by saying they only did it because their mates did, oh please. They're either willing participants (sleazy fuckers) or they're too weak to say "it's not my thing, see you lot later" (pathetic, weak fuckers). Either way, I'd think an awful lot less of them.

deadringer · 09/12/2017 21:03

Can I ask a question of the women that are cool with their dps having a lap dance as long as they are honest? What if your dp came home from a lads might out and said they met a sexy young woman in a bar and she took him to a quiet corner and danced naked for him, rubbing her bits all over him. No money changed hands, she just did it for fun, would that be OK, and if not why not? Is it only OK if the woman is bought and paid for? For the record I would lose my shit if my dp went to a strip club, I could never be with a man who views women as a commodity. And no I have never been to a male strip show either.

Moanyoldcow · 09/12/2017 21:48

People still going with the 'not allowed to touch' bollocks. Absolutely there will be some who don't allow touching but there are plenty who do.

mogulfield · 09/12/2017 21:52

It’s funny how a naked woman rubbing up and down on a bloke is legitimate because he’s in a building with ‘strip club’ On the door, and it’s paid for.
But if I walked into my DHs work and some naked woman was on him and putting her fanny in his face, I’d be allowed to be more annoyed, legitimiately.
It’s funny how men over the years have persuaded us the first is ok. It’s mind boggling really.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 09/12/2017 22:06

People laugh at NI but we have no strip clubs!!! I can't believe they are in most cities in England!! What on earth is wrong with you lot??😡

I have a friend - an English man - who married a beautiful female friend of mine from Belfast!! He said he couldn't wait to leave England because men there were so horribly sexist and hateful to women!!

So he came to NI!! I kid you not! Our laws might be seventeenth century but our people are WAAAYYYY ahead of your lot!!

wime1 · 23/07/2018 06:19

Well I'm really struggling with a simular situ. My partner asked me to marry me years ago and looking back on my laptops history, purely to see the wedding sites i'd visited, I saw he'd joined numerous "shag sites'" of which he said he'd never actually "done" anything. I called off the wedding plans and tried to trust him. He swore he would'nt do anything again, then I found a text from his mate, saying "mate, I got such a boner thinking about all the strip clubs we're going to" (they were off away for the weekend) and his mates wife. had just had thier first baby and almost died in the Birth. I confronted my partner after they'd been away, as I was going to let it go, but found lipstick on his shirt and his anwser, was he said he'd hoped I didn't find out. giving the past history, after swearing on his family's lives, he wouldn't do anything again, he did and I dont trust him one bit now. Yeah some wemon are fine with thier partners getting turned on by other wemon, I think its disgusting and disrespectful.

kudut · 23/07/2018 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IronNeonClasp · 23/07/2018 06:52

Zombie and reported.

Fivelittleduckies · 23/07/2018 07:41

I would DEFINITELY have a problem with this OP. Both the lying and the lap dance. Especially as it was “private” - I would honestly feel repulsed.

Unfortunately if your husband cannot understand why this is so wrong, then you have some issues to work on here in your relationship.

Could you go to couples counseling?

stoopidman · 03/06/2019 12:35

I went to a strip club several times and had several lap dances whilst I used to go out drunk with the lads. I had a mental breakdown due to the guilt and told my long term partner. She was repulsed by it and promptly left me... I never really thought at the time how I was harming my relationship or how my partner would feel. I'm sure a lot of you guys on here will be happy to know she left me. If I had really thought about the outcome, I wouldn't have done it. To the women reading this, a lot of guys do it. To the men reading this, just don't bother. It cost me a long term loving relationship for a bit of tittilation. Sadly we have 2 children who will also not benefit from a full time Dad now because of what I've done.... The only thing that keeps me going now is the visitation I have with my kids...

ittakes2 · 03/06/2019 12:58

ZOMBIE thread

MissFloof · 08/06/2019 01:08

My problem is that he knew you wouldn't like it and did it anyway.
He clearly doesn't respect you. He wasn't forced, he didn't "need" it. If he respected you he wouldn't of done it.
He knew it was wrong, did it anyway and lied on top of that. And the fact you've been married only for a month? Damn, the first month is suppose to be the most fun. you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other, but he is already turning to other women?
He is a dirt bag. Looking at other people is one thing, natural. (It sucks) HOWEVER, he didn't need to go to a strip club for that... AND he certainly didn't need to get private dances.

I don't think he would of done anything more. Stripper are very professional and have a no hand policy. But just because he hasn't done anything much more than that, doesn't mean it is okay.

Wayhollo2025 · 20/07/2025 04:17

marshmallow1236 · 08/12/2017 10:45

In honesty, I think you're over-reacting a little.

My husband had a private lap dance at his Stag Do, his friend, also married, had two! He wasn't particularly forth coming with info either but when he realised I was cool with it, we laughed and joked about it all.

He may be completely sincere in his promises to not do it again, now that he knows how upset you are by it and genuinely thought it was a bit of innocent fun with the lads. The excuses came no doubt as a bit of a defence if you started laying into him. He should have been honest but it's understandable that he was trying to keep the peace.

Don't let it destroy your Christmas. He made a mistake, upon hearing how upset you are over it, he's apologised and promised not to do it again. Move on and don't let it drive a wedge.

Maybe some are being a little empathetic. Not everyone is the same. But I believe that that men shouldnt sneak around and have woman undressing for them or rubbing anything on a married mans pen15 especially hiding it for years. Unless the woman is ok with it but if you are how kk but don't judge others. You never know what someone has gone through. Or going through.

Wayhollo2025 · 20/07/2025 04:21

Gosh this is a sore topic. My husband is very flirtatious and makes women think he wants to screw them constantly. We've been together for 12 years. It's like every year he comes out and tells me he's done something like a girl made him grab her boobs five years later or he didn't live video chats or strip clubs with lap dances. I am a loss for words and I feel like an idiot for feeling so betrayed but I do. I want someone's going to treat me the way I treat them. I've never put myself in a situation where another man has touched me and group me kiss me with me help me anything. I feel like it's very hard for men do not seek attention from other females. It's really hard going through a hard relationship knowing he's looking at other girls vaginas and tits.

Valeriekat · 20/07/2025 11:31

loulou987 · 08/12/2017 10:56

Ex stripper here.... It’s human nature to look at other people. It’s all just a bit of fun. The dancers don’t want the guys, the guys are mostly well behaved and see it for what is is ( nothing serious ) maybe if it wasn’t ‘ so forbidden ‘ the novelty would wear off. Really ... you have nothing to worry about here. Let it go.

It was a lap dance! Just looking would be bad enough.

Valeriekat · 20/07/2025 11:32

Private dance sorry. Nevertheless!

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