DH's Boss Called Me...

[supermanslefttesticle]

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

You don't sound harsh at all, op. You sound kind and sensible and you are dealing with everything very well. Just be careful not to put your own feelings last on a regular basis - that is not a good grounding for a supportive and healthy relationship.

Keep going and stay strong.

Not harsh at all - there is nothing bad about having needs and stating them. Glad things are looking up.

I think it may not be as easy to achieve that visiting once a week idea after new years - might take a while to get to that point but it's good to know he envisions that point and heading towards it in the near future.

Hope you are processing witnessing what sounds like a pretty traumatic passing too?

I think once a week is a bit of a hard adjustment. Why not 2 or 3 times a week to begin with but perhaps just for an hour - he can spend a bit longer on his day off if he wants. Then gradually reduce it.

I just RTFT and I have to say all these comments about " XX was back at work 2 days after XXX" etc massively unhelpful.

There is no time frame on grief, there is no rule book to say how he should respond. I understand OP you must feel a little abandoned after having only been married a short time, but really it doesn't matter if it was 25 years of marriage or 6 weeks. I may have misunderstood the dynamics, but your husband sounds like a good man, who is trying to take care of his mum after a traumatic time. It sounds like they are both using each other as a distraction and a prop in dealing with it. Maybe your husband has Christmas in his head ie. Just get christmas out the way, new year and things can ease off a bit.

Its good he is accessing therapy. When my ex FIL died, I saw my ex cry once, hardly contact his mum and it made me see him in a different light. He had no concept of how difficult can be. I would have supported him 100% had he wanted to visit her every day etc, and I would hope he would do the same if one of my beloved parents was in crisis.

I know it seems like a long time and you are doing the right things by talking to him about it and your needs, but he has needs too, and maybe part of that is being with his mum (for a period of time).

I hope christmas is ok for all of you.

How are things with your husband now? Hope your situation has improved

I'm astounded at some of the comments on here. Only because MN board is usually much more compassionate. I lost my mum and took over a month off work (unpaid). Just because the norm is usually 3 days it doesn't mean that's right. You'd take time off work if you broke your leg instead of going back in before it's healed. Losing a parent is one of the most traumatic and painful things a person can go through.

Like a PP said he's just being a good son. His mum is all alone now. Of course he'll want to be there to support her as much as possible. Men who treat their mothers properly usually treat their wives well too. OP it sounds like you're trying to be as supportive as possible. I think you need to let him grieve in the way he needs to and if that means spending more time with his mum then so be it. Suggesting otherwise is just going to make him think you're not in his corner.