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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's Boss Called Me...

206 replies

supermanslefttesticle · 06/12/2017 15:56

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work Hmm

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 19/12/2017 17:15

I'm so glad. I do think it's best to say what we need and ask for it. It can be easy to get into feeling hurt and let down for our needs not being considered - understandably - and to then come at it from a place of resentment that has been smouldering.

Asking and expressing gives a chance for our needs to be met or outright refused. Either way it's better than the alternative i think.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 19/12/2017 17:16

Sorry haven’t read all the updates yet, I will, but just couldn’t get past this: he’s had 4 weeks off??!! My mum died, I got 2 Days leave then was back, speaking at a full on professional event. It was hard but I had to get on with it cos my employer pays me too! Your DH has been unbelievably lucky to be treated with such kid gloves by his work and he needs to stop taking the utter piss or he will Be first in line if they ever need to let someone go.

PotteringAlong · 19/12/2017 17:18

I've got to be at MiL's all day on the 23rd to help with the last bits of Christmas prep

No, not if you don’t want to you don’t

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 17:25

rednails what’s the point do your comment? Are you after a medal? People grieve differently. DH is back at work and doing well and he needed the time off that he took. We might be struggling at the moment, but I’ll defend his decision to look after his mental health to the hilt. He was covered by a sick note, so any action taken in response to his grief would be discrimination.

Pipe the fuck down.

OP posts:
Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 17:25

pottering an excellent point.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2017 17:36

Christmas eve we're going to my Mum and Dad's thankfully. They've moved their entire Christmas forward a day so we can have some time with them, MiL was invited but doesnt want to come

In view of the incident where she cried during your own visit because she "missed him" - and this after seeing him only a couple of hours before - I'd think very seriously about what you'll do if she creates a sudden Christmas Eve drama which has to be attended to now

I'm also sensing a change here, since you mentioned upthread that she declared herself "very grateful for all his help and support, but ready now to be on her own more". Has anything in particular happened to cause that change, or is this moving into actual manipulation?

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 19/12/2017 17:57

There's a huge difference between being in the deep throws of grief and being downright manipulative.

She's incapable of putting her son first, and he's the one that's caught in the middle at the end of the day. Agree there will likely be waterworks on Xmas eve.

Has she always been a bit like this?

SilentSilverLights · 19/12/2017 17:58

From what you've said, it sounds like your husband has created a situation where MIL is overly dependent on him. She may not be being manipulative per se, but she may be so used to having him there all the time that she doesn't feel she can cope without him.

This is unfortunate because at some point he will have to reset the boundaries. And if he feels you are pushing for this he may be resentful.

I think the comment above about suggesting marriage counselling is a good one. It's a way of highlighting how seriously this is affecting you, without explicitly saying he needs to spend less time with MIL.

Does that make sense? If the focus is on seeing you more, rather than seeing MIL less, he may be more receptive.

RebootYourEngine · 19/12/2017 18:28

I do hope he comes home on time.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 19/12/2017 18:38

No I wont pipe the fuck down, it’s a public forum and I can state my opinion. He WAS unbelievably lucky to get all that time, many many people have huge difficulties in life but still turn up to work every day coz they have to, you know, pay the bills. My friend who lost her child got a week off. People with huge mental health problems don’t expect the time off your husband has had. Yes people grieve but most of us just have to grieve AND keep our jobs, lives, families, kids going as well. Which your husband seems to have opted out of totally for that time, which is very self absorbed and quite immature.

VeganIan · 19/12/2017 18:39

She's incapable of putting her son first, and he's the one that's caught in the middle at the end of the day. Agree there will likely be waterworks on Xmas eve

Can you organise a plan B now with your parents? If she decides to mither, could you just collect her and take her to your parents with you?

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 19:04

vegan she wouldn’t go. DH would never refuse to go though even if MIL was upset

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2017 19:20

DH would never refuse to go though even if MIL was upset

If you're referring to your parents' Christmas Eve thing, that's excellent news - always providing MIL doesn't really ramp things up and he changes his mind

I still wonder what's changed, though, to turn her from someone who now wants more time on her own to this?

Dozer · 19/12/2017 19:21

Sadly it’s not legally discrimination for employers to take disciplinary action for (genuine) sick leave. It sounds like he has a good employer and will be OK.

DumbleDee · 19/12/2017 19:24

If he's not covered his absence with a fit note they won't pay him. Everyone handles bereavement differently but imo avoiding normal life delays recovery. I'm saying that as an employer and someone who lost both parents very young.

LivLemler · 19/12/2017 20:49

Hope he's come home and the evening is going well OP.

IrritatedUser1960 · 19/12/2017 20:58

We get two days here and the rest unpaid but we'd probably be sacked after 4 weeks. Sorry Op but most employers won't tolerate a long time off like this.

AnyFucker · 19/12/2017 21:05

Op, early on in the thtead you did have a problem with how much time off work he was having. Now you don't? Hmm

You were very rude to rednails

You are having the piss taken out of you by both your husband and MIL and your response is to snap back at people giving opinions that you asked for. Ho-kay.

Pinkitis · 19/12/2017 21:10

Yes things have shifted a bit. At the start of the thread you felt your mil didn't need him to be there so much. Now she is getting the blame.

LivLemler · 19/12/2017 22:25

I think it's fair for OP's feelings to have evolved in the 2 weeks since her first post.

LuluJakey1 · 19/12/2017 22:57

His mum is going to have to get on with it. She needs a bit of space to herself I think. Was he as involved with then before his father was ill/died? I am an aonly child and it is very easy to feel an overwhelming sense of duty as an only child. I wondered if he has brothers and/or sisters. If it has always been just you and your parent, the loss of the first can feel like your world has been broken up. His grief may be overwhelming him more than his mum's.
He does need to get some normality back.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2017 23:06

You're right, Liv, and as OP mentioned herself, her own (understandable) state of mind might affect how this appears. That said, the thing about not needing so much support came from MIL in person, which is why I queried the change from then to now

There's also the point about the DH apparently discussing things with MIL to the exclusion of his wife, which I confess I wouldn't like at all - in fact, like OP, I'd be wondering how strong he considered their relationship to be - and also just how committed to it he was

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 23:16

He came home at 7:30pm and we’ve had a bath and a glass of wine, feels a lot more normal.

Something has definitely changed, not sure what. DH thinks after the funeral there was still a lot of people popping in on MIL and that’s massively tailed off now, so she could be feeling like DH and I are her only remaining support.

I snapped because rednails clearly didn’t rtft and implied my DH was somehow inferior because he struggled with his mental health after the loss of his dad, and that him taking some time off work (covered by a fit note and now fully paid for, I might add) is somehow a sign of him being immature Confused

I was unsure about his time off 2 weeks ago because there were no signs he was going to go back anytime soon and he was almost afraid of going back, which at the time I didn’t understand because he wasn’t showing any other signs of mental health issues other than ‘normal’ grief behaviours. Since then he opened up about how he was feeling and it’s very clear he was suffering some kind of PTSD/ post trauma. He was in the room when his dad died and he was reliving it all the time, the moment of death was quite unpleasant (I was also there) and it’s no wonder he didn’t feel ready to go back to work really if he’s still thinking about it all the time.

As I said before rednails commented, he’s now back at work and recovering really well. He’s attending a grief workshop and doing an online thing his GP referred him to. I’m not sure if it’s helping or he’s just getting further away from it so he’s healing, but he’s miles better than he was 2 weeks ago.

Anyway, I’ve told DH how I’m feeling and he’s assured me that in the new year we’ll go and see MIL once a week, most likely while I’m at work and he’s got a day off. He’s going to walk the dogs for me and take that pressure off and he’s going to make sure he’s home every night before 8:30pm so we can have a couple of hours together between now and the new year. He’s assured me nothing will stop him coming on Christmas Eve, if MIL is having a bad day that day he says there’s plenty of people around who can help her.

I think things are ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 23:26

He is indeed an only child and yes, he’s very close to his parents and always has been. We both lived with them while we saved up to buy our house and we live a 2 minute drive from MIL’s house so we used to see them weekly if not more before FIL got sick. We saw them probably 3 or 4 times a week while he was poorly.

I’m not sure if MIL is manipulating the situation or whether I’m over sensitive and reading too much into things to be honest. DH is also a bit bothered by her turning up at his work half way through his day, especially when she knows his coping strategy at work is to forget about it and get on with the job. It’s hard to do that when MIL is sat there and it really shook him for a couple of hours. I’ve said he needs to ask her firmly not to go to his work again during his shift and that if she needs something, she can call me instead of him while he’s working.

I think it’s just a massive adjustment for both of them, but hopefully tonight has stressed to DH that I’m still his priority, as harsh as that sounds.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/12/2017 08:20

I've just caught up with this thread. What a horrible situation for everyone.

It sounds as though your dh is committed to getting things back on track, which is great. It's obviously a massive adjustment for everyone but hopefully MiL will get more used to it as time goes on. It must be so difficult for her, but she's lucky to have a kind and caring son and DiL at least.

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