DH's Boss Called Me...

[supermanslefttesticle]

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

Could you just ask DH, "How would you feel about a phased return to work?" and suggest that it would be a gentler way to get back into the swing of things before it gets too busy?
At my last job a colleague's DH passed away suddenly and she took more than a month off. Her two sons who also worked for the same firm took it in turns to stay with her. In the end it was felt that they were taking the piss though things got back to normal eventually.

Firstly sorry for your loss

He's probably not letting his DM grieve properly whilst he's around, she's probably focusing on your DH.

It sounds like they both need some space and time

I think his boss actually did the right thing to call you - even though he probably shouldn't have. But they are clearly wanting him to get back to work and have been very kind indeed to him so far - as I remember it, compassionate leave was usually only about 3 days (mind you, that was in the NHS a couple of decades ago), so he's had way longer than that. I know he's been signed off and has probably taken some leave as well, but he HAS to let his mother start to get on with her changed circumstances or next thing you know, he'll be asking you to move in with his mother so she's not on her own!

He has to let go a bit. And so does his mother. I know she'll be grieving and in shock, but she shouldn't be letting him stay at hers all day every day - she should be encouraging him to get on with his life too and get back to his home and wife!

It's not a healthy dynamic :(

That’s really sad OP condolences to you all.
Grief affects people so differently. It sounds like work have been super supportive but know that it is time to get back to normal. It is at this sort of time after a bereavement that people tend to really struggle with the getting back to normal.
Maybe a visit to the GP for some counselling would help. Good luck

Trying to be constructive rather than just astonished...

If he is doing phased return to work, he will presumably have time to spend the afternoon/evening with his mum. Giving her a chance to start getting used to a new routine too.

DH had problems like this with DMIL after DFIL died. Similar -not the same. He had managed to do some work while DFIL was ill (5 weeks between dx and death) and immediately afterwards (there is some stuff he can do remotely and he could fly from that city rather than our city to a couple of meetings). DBIL was signed off sick for the duration (he couldn't cope). DSIL was also juggling work and caring. I was juggling work and minding DD and doing what visiting we could.

(DBIL lives next door to DMIL, DSIL and DH both live and work in (2 different) other parts of the country, about 2 hours in no traffic and a lot longer many nights!).

DH spent 4 nights at home in our house in the space of about 7 weeks. DSIL and himself alternated every weekend for well over a year, going down to do jobs and keep DMIL company. There were long daily phonecalls to both (they used to compare notes) and plenty of "woe is me, I haven't seen anyone in days" when, if you asked the question, she would have seen the neighbours, DBIL and his family, and friends and relatives living near, what she actually meant was that the "visitors" were not coming as frequently as when DFIL was sick, and that it was those people who she didn't expect to see on a daily or every couple of days basis that counted in "I haven't seen anyone". (More extended family relatives, or friends from farther afield etc).

It has slowly - very, very slowly - improved over the past 2 years. To the point that this past weekend, DMIL came up with DH when he had a meeting locally to her and could drive her back up - it was the first time she'd been in our house since early summer 2015 (DFIL got ill in Sept '15). She had a lovely weekend with us, she came to a concert with me (I took a day off) and went to see the boat that DD is so proud of (small sailing dinghy but new to her last year), and DH drove her back to get the train home at the end (she has free travel, and used to get the train relatively frequently but not since DFIL got ill). She had a few things that she grumbled about, but overall, she was happy she had come and it has set a precedent that she is able to do things - it has been a very slow process of weaning her back to driving, getting back to choir, getting back to other groups, going on holiday, getting back on the train etc....but each step has been worth it.

The hardest part for DH and DSIL was knowing that she was capable, recognizing absolutely that she was grieving and shattered and lost and angry; but also making her take steps to face the new reailty and that they also had lives they had to get back to leading. (Including DSIL;s new baby and our own DD needing lots of support for various reasons). And helping her take those steps as gently as possible, within their own limits of what they could do to help her.

Your DH needs to recognize that there are limits to what he can do and that DMIL will have to get used to being alone in the house at times. And he also needs, for himself, to get back into some kind of "normality" and routine. And to get back to you too. Otherwise, the limbo will be a lot harder to break away from.

Is there possibly other some difficulty at work that potentially makes returning seem harder to him?

I only say it, because I suffered a bereavement at a time when I was working with a couple of absolutely odious colleagues. At times I honestly felt like shouting, "Why the fuck do you get to be here, and she doesn't?" I felt like I would swap my friend for them in a heartbeat - well, I felt all sorts of unspeakable things too.

On the other side, a colleague of mine lost his father at a time when he was in a bad place with his subordinates (due to his own bad actions, but nothing deserving of their response). One cow tried to get away without signing the sympathy card, and the others didn't even try to act sympathetic when he returned (I pointed out, first tactfully, then forcefully, that they were being remarkably callous towards another member of staff, and that their behaviour was being noted). I would have hated to return to work in his position.

its devastating losing a parent, my mom was only 61 when my dad passed away rather suddenly after a short illness.

While I did spend a lot of time with her up until the funeral as she'd not been on her own for over 40 years, I was there most days while the kids were at school.

Your MIL really needs to be got on board here with gently pushing him back to work, she's potentially got another 20-30 years of life left, she needs to start learning to do things on her own and your DH smothering her out of concern really isn't doing her any favours.

I would perhaps suggest that you try and 1) get MIL on board with getting him to stop eating with her every night and cut it down to every other night or something.
2) Stop being afraid of upsetting him, he's an adult not a baby and he needs to pull himself together a little, life moves on, we can't just stop because we've lost someone.

In that case I hope he gets his GP appointment tomorrow and gets some professional support, he sounds like he needs it and rather urgently too.

I'm hoping the GP can help, I'm at a bit of a loss. I've not experienced loss myself so I really can't relate, it's helped that other people don't think this is normal though so thanks for that.

I would be more than happy to move in with MiL, we are very close but this idea was floated before FiL died and she really really doesn't want that yet, she wants her independence which makes it even more difficult to see DH like this, because I know MiL wants to function normally and he's almost not letting her?

You giving your opinion on when to go back to work is not the same as telling him what to do. If he perceives it that way then he is being silly - although in the midst of his grief he may not be thinking straight and we should cut him a bit of slack for that.

Is it just his grief talking or does he generally think you are telling him what to do if you give an opinion?

He's trying to grieve through his mother. And that's not healthy. If she has a 'good' day he's going to feel betrayed because he hasn't yet let himself grieve so won't be on the 'getting better' side of it for much longer.

I don't think it's about MIL at all any more, it's about your DH not coping. Speak to her to tell her how worried you are about him and get him to see a doctor.

If your MIL wants her independence then she needs to be the one to push her son to go home. But you obviously can't be the one to call her and ask her to do that, that would be highly insensitive! Hopefully she'll realise it of her own accord and push him to come back.

Clara it's the grief, he does listen to my opinion and occasionally take it too seriously anyway, but in his grief he's vulnerable and unsure of himself, so my opinion will carry a lot of weight to him just now and he will absolutely do whatever i tell him to, just because i've told him to.

I'm dreading going over to MiL's after work, there will be an atmosphere between me and DH because he's probably angry and I'm not willing to apologise because I really dont think I've done anything wrong here and I want him to think about what I'm saying to him, not forget about it because I apologised and therefore must have been wrong iyswim.

We never ever argue and I've never known him be angry at me, so this is new ground and I'd rather explore it in private, not with MIL there. Thinking of not going and just saying I'd rather not upset him further.

What's wrong with him being angry? He needs to get angry at some point, it's a natural part of the grief process. He will be angry, and it will most likely be directed at you at some point. You have to accept that.

And I don't think NEVER getting angry with each other is healthy. There is something wrong with your relationship if you've never been angry with each other.

Your DH is using his mother as an excuse Super. He's not dealing with his DF's death, and is using caring for his DM as a way of hiding from it.

The above bears repeating.

I think you should go to MILs after work and I think you should try to talk about what was said - MIL will likely be on 'your side'.

I don't think it was inappropriate that his boss called you instead. I think it was actually very kind and thoughtful of him.

Why are you desperate for his mother to be on her own? She has just lost her husband!

In some ways I found it easier dealing with my own grief when my dad died than dealing with dh’s grief when his mum died.

It’s time for him and his dm to start get used to their new normal without his dad. It won’t be easy, but needs to be done, 4 weeks is a long time off work, especially when he hadn’t handed in a sick line for the last two (they are normally handed in a the beginning of the time off), they have been very patient with him.

The GP is unlikely to be able to help - if I understood you correctly the gp said if He wanted signed off for longer she'd like to see him in counselling. In my experience you are then given a print out of organisations you can contact yourself for said counselling and self help websites. You then sort it yourself and it's either quite a long wait or paying privately. Obv gp may be able to help with meds if he wants that.

youve been together 10 years and not argued or been angry with each other. Really? It's good to be able to deal with issues without it blowing up but disagreements and anger are normal and need to happen - don't worry so much. You love him, he loves you you both know you want to support each other you can handle a bit of straight talking in a difficult subject.

I may have got this wrong, but by crying, being upset but getting on with things, your MiL sounds as if she's coping really well, it's your DH that really isn't and is trying to mask his grief by focussing on his DM to a slightly worrying level. Counselling - and getting back to the work - could be just the thing he needs. And to you OP - it's hellish being the partner of someone who is bereaved.

Nobody gets 4 weeks of for the death of a parent. 4 days maybe.

Your DH's company have been more than reasonable so far.

Up till now not giving him your opinion hasn't worked. There appears to be some pussy footing around him. Perhaps he needs a stronger approach. To be told he needs to let your Mum get a normality in the day. That there are many people who can support her. That he also needs to move forward.
He may be scared to move on from the place he is in at the moment. He may feel like if he goes back to a normal life pattern that it is somehow letting go of being so attached to his dad.
He may need the push or gentle nudge to move forward.

I think speaking to him with MIL in the room is a good idea. Neither of them are going to be able to move on until this codependency stops. Perhaps you could cut down visits to every other day to begin with? MIL has a long road ahead, but eventually she’s going to have to learn to eat on her own etc.

Why are you desperate for his mother to be on her own? Where has OP said that?! She's been married for 6 weeks. She's getting to see her husband for 2 hours a day, with MIL, I don't think it's unrealistic to think that 4 weeks later her husband will be coming home and getting back to work sometime soon.

MIL lives on her own, she sounds young, fit and healthy and she'll be okay. The longer the new normal is put off by OP's DH being there from when she wakes up to when she goes to bed the harder it will be when he eventually has to revisit the rest of his life. In the meantime, OP is the sole wage earner as he's stopped going to work and getting paid, she's going to work, looking after their dogs, keeping everything ticking over and being incredibly kind, sympathetic, understanding about it all.

Don't try and paint her as anything other than a hugely supportive wife and DIL.