DH's Boss Called Me...

[supermanslefttesticle]

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

Well done - it sounds as though you said all the right things & MIL was clearly in agreement.

Hope your DH feels better soon.

I think the employer was rightly or wrongly in a rather stumbly way trying to be kind. If they have had no sick note for two weeks they would be gently trying to find out what was going on without causing upset.

I feel that your dh has probably made it harder for your mil. She will have not had any space to grieve without having to be strong for your dh too. He's used her as an excuse to wallow rather than dealing with what has happened and that's not helpful as you could do that for months and months if you get into that position.

I don't say this unkindly op. I speak from experience.

I think you've handled it perfectly op.

When my brother died and my Mum was in intensive care at the same time expected to die before morning the GP wouldn't give my Dad a sick note so he had to go to work within a couple of days. :(

When he lost his Dad he was back to work the next week.

As hard as it is I don't think being off weeks and weeks helps once the practicalities are done.

Well done OP. I think you've managed a very difficult situation with a lot of compassion. And good on MiL for supporting you. Maybe your DH is overwhelmed at feeling he has to take over his father's role for MiL? And is affecting him? But luckily she sounds robust and strong.

I actually think his mum needs to be on her own, brutal as that sounds.

It's not brutal at all - it's common sense. He won't be abandoning here - he can still pp in for a cuppa after he finishes work and see her at other times.

TBH - I don't know what they must be dong all day every day for a month. Yes - there are things to be sorted through, but surely this isn't taking up all of their time?

I'm wondering if this sin't for your DH's benefit rather than his mother's. If she is as strong and capable as you suggest, perhaps he is the one who is finding it hard to let go of his dad.

I lost my lovely dad on Christmas Day, after a long and horrible battle against cancer. It was deardful, so I'm not talking without experience, but it is very easy for grief to slide into despondency and depression. Perhaps counselling is the way to go. He will be grieving for a very long time, but he still needs to accept that the grief will be part of his life, not the whole of it.

Lots of people don't even get that deckoff. But what's the alternative? How long would you have people be off after a loss? Who keeps paying them when work isn't being done?

Of course everyone deals with death differently and it sounds like OP's DH's work have already been very understanding. He hadn't contacted them to say he'd been signed off for the last week or two so they didn't have any information to go on or an indication of if/when he'd be back. His loss is tragic but what if you had a team of 4 people and two of them had deaths in the family 2 weeks apart - what if they each felt they needed an unspecified amount of time off, would it be paid? By whom, their workplace or the state? How does the employer cover the work of 2 people for an indefinite period of time? Is the employer allowed to ask them when they're coming back?

I have a friend who had 5 deaths in her family in a year, combination of aunts and uncles, grandparents and a young cousin. It was an absolute shitter and she was exhausted and finding things pretty hard. But her rent and bills needed to be paid, her employer needed the work she does to be covered - many other people are relying on her, she benefited from keeping busy, sometimes routine helps when everything else is going wrong. It's equally unfair to suggest people who deal with tragedies by cracking on with life aren't as affected. I know you're not saying that but it's a fact that life has to go on for the living.

He needs to go back to work now FFS!

Just a bit of an update:

DH has gone back to work, but he's now spending every evening with MiL at her house and we havent eaten at home together for an evening meal since FiL died.

I'm really, really struggling. I'm starting to feel completely abandoned to run the house, work FT and sort the dogs out and he's totally focused on MiL. I'm not saying this is wrong, but I@m newly married and the selfish part of me wants to spend time alone with my husband. Like i said, really bloody struggling

Help?

Sorry to hear this is still going on OP.

Have you had a quiet word with MIL? Surely she can see the negative impact it's having on you?

What plans do you have for Xmas? Could you broach the idea of him perhaps spending more time at home in the New Year? Start making plans to go out together of an evening so that you get time to yourselves?

Op sorry to hear this. Your needs and your feelings are just as important and he needs to consider you, as well as his Mum. Does he feel guilt? An obligation to be there rather than a want?

I'm not sure what he wants to be honest.

I tried having a quiet word with MiL about it, she's completely unwilling to let go of him and doesnt recognise that i need him too at all.

Sorry, I'm a bit low today,

She's unwilling to let him go...and she has said this to you? That's putting him in an incredibly difficult position. He's bound to realise this and feel torn.

Oh OP, sorry to hear this is still going on. You've been very understanding and patient.

Are your Christmas plans in place? Will you be able to grab some time alone over the break at all?

Could MIL come to yours a couple of nights a week? That might remind both DH and MIL that your household is still there, the dogs need to be taken care of etc. It would also allow you to show that you are supportive of MIL.

confused she hasnt said it in so many words. But for example last night DH was working late, so i went after work to keep her company for a couple of hours. She burst into tears half way through the evening because DH wasnt there and she missed him and wanted to know if he was ok at work

I reasurred her he was fine and she'd seen him a couple of hours earlier because he works in a customer facing job and she went to his work to see him with one of her friends. When DH got home after work at about 11pm, his first question to me was "how's mum?", not "how was your day?" or "are you ok?"

I realise I sound mental and probably almost jealous? It's just really tearing me down at the moment that I'm the last thing he thinks about.

You can’t force him to be with you, it’ll make him resentful. He’s being totally unfair. Are their friends/family you could start inviting round in the evenings regularly?

He’s behaving very badly towards you but grief is an odd one, it sounds like MIL has become unreasonable too, again grief makes UR behaviour understandable even though it’s still very unfair to you.

Christmas eve we're going to my Mum and Dad's thankfully. They've moved their entire Christmas forward a day so we can have some time with them, MiL was invited but doesnt want to come. Even that though we were made to feel indirectly guilty about. She made a point of telling us she'd invited one of her friends to her house to spend Christmas eve with her so she wasn't alone. There was an undertone of "because you wont be here", it was weird.

Then Christmas day we're spending at MiL's, DH and I will be cooking. I don't finish work until 22nd, he's working on the 23rd so Christmas eve will be the first bit of time we get together if he keeps going to MiL's every evening. I've got to be at MiL's all day on the 23rd to help with the last bits of Christmas prep, no idea what that entails or what needs doing.

You do not sound mental or jealous, you need your husband and that is totally understandable.
You are being very patient, I'm not sure I would be so diplomatic. Can MIL come to your house some of the time as PP said? Then she would have to leave at some point

YANBU OP. You're not being treated fairly here at all.

How about suggesting you two spend some quality time together, maybe go to the cinema one evening? How do you think he'd respond?

I'd struggle too. Has he sought counselling or anything OP?

Can you get him involved with the dog more as a way of him needing to be at home? Are there home jobs that are urgent?

It's hard on you all :-(

God, this sounds awful for you all. Neither DH nor MIL seem to be dealing with their grief healthily.
What happens at weekends OP? Do you all spend the whole weekend at MIL's? Do you and DH spend any time alone at all? Do they both spend all their time at home, or do they go out at all?

It must be exhausting being in your position. But do you think it might help them both if you were able to support them separately? Eg take MIL out Christmas shopping one day. Then go together to meet DH from work and get some supper. Drop MIL home mid evening and get an hour or two together at home before bed. Try to ease them off relying on each other so much, and you being the third party in the relationships.

Ask MIL's friends to take her out for an hour or two.

Try to gently break one or two of the habits they've slipped into.

It must still feel like a shock to them. And I'm so pleased that DH has gone back to work. But I think you need to address this sooner rather than later unless you want this to become the norm for your relationship.

Honestly, it sounds as though you've been a huge and loyal support to them both. They're bound to remember your generosity of time, understanding and compassion in years to come.

confused she won't come to our house because she doesnt like being around the dogs.

Batman I'm not sure how he's react to that, I might try and ask him if we can spend some time together on Friday afternoon, I'll be working a half day and he's off so there's no reason why we couldnt. He went to the cinema with his best friend the other day on his day off so there should be any objections, he could go to MiL's in the evening still.

Not how I wanted to spend our first married Christmas :( I think I'm just sad because of that more than anything.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Honestly, though, I think you need to sit him down and tell him your marriage can't survive his total lack of attention. Because it can't. He's married to you, not his mother, but he's acting like she is the one and only priority in his life and there's no sign of that ending.