DH's Boss Called Me...

[supermanslefttesticle]

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

My father died when my mother was 62. My mother has never been a very capable person and always needs reassurance and support, which my father was very good with before his short terminal illness.
I tool 2 days off when m father died and the week of his funeral which I had already booked as leave for a holiday I then cancelled. I was very close to my father but I didn't think it was fair to work to be away anymore than this and being at work took my mind off it all. Now I manage a team of 30+ and I would think about a fortnight would be taken for the death of a parent. This would be from the death through to a day or two after the funeral. Some take less than this, but I have never had anyone expect more.

Doesn't sound odd to me. They're coming up to an extremely busy period and trying tactfully to work out whether DH has any intention of being back to work for it. A phased return would get him back into his stride before it gets super-busy, but if he's not coming back they'll probably need to find cover.

Your DH is using his mother as an excuse Super. He's not dealing with his DF's death, and is using caring for his DM as a way of hiding from it.

Four weeks is a very long time, and whether he likes it or not, his job is as risk. If he continues to act this way, his marriage will be at risk too, because you surely can't play second fiddle to his DM forever.

I take you don't have any DC?

It sounds like he is a bit stuck and reluctant to embrace the fact that life continues.
Could you speak to his Mum? Tbh, his mum saying "Your Dad would want you to get on with life" might turn it.

Should also mention, he's paid hourly rates (40 hour contract) and they didn't pay him for last week so I'm not sure what's going on there

What's going on there is that he's paid by the hour and isn't working any hours. Maybe that will bring him to his senses. I feel for him, but it's time he pulled himself together.

So she doesn't need him there, he is doing this for himself not her...

Time to have a serious talk with him, op.

Gosh. It's terrible to lose a spouse but also not helpful to prolong the process by which everybody finds a new equilibrium. Your MIL will have to be alone sometime, your DH will have to go back to work.

You've not said or done anything wrong to your DH and yes you do need to be honest with him and tell him your view on his phased return to work. You have to be honest in a marriage. If it upsets him ... well, with the best will in the world tough.

I’m sorry about his dad but really does need to get back to work. I think 4 weeks is very understanding of his employers (some wouldn’t be so!) but obviously they want him to return to work. And he shouldn’t be blaming you for that fact.

Also at some point he can’t be there all the time for his mum. She needs to get used to being by herself.

When the boss said, "It's fine, takes as long as you need," I imagine he expected him back at work after a couple of weeks at the most, as that is what would usually happen.

The period between the death & the funeral can be very odd - I felt in limbo during that period after my father died, although was still going to work - but afterwards it really is time to try to get back into the usual routine - it helps with recovery.

Regarding his mum, he does need to give her some time alone & also needs to look after his own relationship with you. How does he think things are going to work with his mum in the long term? Surely eating there every evening & waiting till she goes to bed is not an ongoing plan?

Is he likely to want mum to live with you at some point? Or you with her? Is that a viable option?

I do think he ought to have some counselling, to get things into perspective.

The thing is, you don't get four weeks off work for a bereavement. So either he needs to go back. Or he needs to accept he is ill and get signed off and get counselling and/or antidepressants. One or the other.

Gosh four weeks is a lot, especially to not even be considering going back or having a plan in place! It does seem rather indulgent, it seems either he's really struggling, in which case needs to get a GP note and deal with this properly or he's talking the piss a bit or Burying his head. He's in real danger of losing his job!

My MIL passed away earlier this year, DH is also late 20's and an only child.

The funeral was a week after she passed away and he was obviously off for that time. He went back one week after the funeral (so two weeks after the fact) and his boss ended up driving him home mid-shift because he was a wreck. He took a further week off and then he had three weeks of annual leave booked (arranged months previously) so in total had just shy of six weeks off work. It sounds like a long time but he was in no state to be at work.

This sound very strange, I think he needs to go to see a doctor TBH. Sounds like he's got PTSD of something?

I think his GP is onto something and he should, perhaps, be looking at counselling. It doesn't sound like he's processing his father's death at all.

In real terms, he's ditched his employer, and ditched his home life, his very new wife and, in fact, everything, to 'support' his mum - but it doesn't sound like his mum needs the support.

You need to get him alone and have a chat about what's really happening.

To me, that phone call sounds like the last effort of a middle manager stuck between a rock and a hard place - i.e. sympathetic and wanting to be supportive but under pressure from their boss as to where he is. Did I understand correctly that he actually doesn't have a current sick note and is just 'absent'?

In fact, could you break down the time he's had off, and how it's been classified? I work in the field and might be able to help

See, I've been fine with him spending all his time at MiL's because to be honest, I would rather he was there and comfortable than at home and worrying about her if that makes sense. I'd rather not be the reason he felt he had to be at home when he wants to be there and really, it's his decision not mine.

What I really want is for him to start making decisions for himself rather than just doing whatever I tell him to. I know for a fact if I told him to go back to work he would, just like if I told him to come home and stay there, he would. However he'd be doing it because I told him to and not because he felt it was the right decision and I'm not prepared to be resented for that. He doesnt have any history of resenting me or anything like that, but i dont feel like it's my responsibility to take that burden if that makes sense? bah sorry, I'm using you all as a sounding board I think.

• or something

I think the boss is partly to blame here for not being clear about their expectations for your DH. They're kind of leaving it up to him to decide when/how to return to work, and having just lost his dad in what sounds like quite a traumatic way, he's probably not in the right frame of mind to be able to make that decision. It should have been made clear from the start how long he would be given compassionate leave, and what he would be paid during that time. I would find it hugely stressful in his position - when I've unexpectedly lost loved ones I've struggled to make decisions like what to eat for lunch, leave alone when to return to work.

OP, your husband has taken too much time off already and his employers are very kind to be keeping him on.
If he is a contractor he'll probably be on one week's notice and won't get paid for hours not worked.

If that sounds harsh, I apologise. Losing a parent is a big deal, some people do not cope all that well with it.

DH's boss shouldn't have phoned you but they probably didn't know what else to do.

You need to talk to your husband, and he needs to talk to you. I don't envy you.
To me, it looks like your H has taken this very badly and is at his mum's for his benefit not hers.
Could bereavement counselling help?

Four weeks is a very long time, I am surprised that his work have allowed this to go on for that long. Is he actually signed off with a fitness to work note at the moment? If not he needs to get that sorted. Is it possible to have a conversation with MIL? This seems an extreme reaction to what is undoubtably a very sad life event. Counselling seems a very good way forward as your DH obviously is struggling to manage at present.

Was FIL's death expected or sudden? It can change how bereaved relatives deal with the situation, sudden death usually being more difficult.

OP it sounds to me like your DH isn't in a fit state to make his own decisions.

Sorry; he's on week four of his unofficial absence and you don't understand why he wasn't paid last week??

I'm older than his mother and exceptionally close to my DD, but I would never have allowed this situation to develop, I would have packed him off home to you after a day or so.

I can't work out why she's letting him do this.

Ginnybag

2 days before FiL died DH stopped work because it was obvious FiL was about to go. FIL died at home with me, DH and MiL all present. So:

2 days compassionate leave
7 days self-cert
7 days covered by a sick note
further 14 days to be covered by a sick note which DH will pick up when he goes back to see his GP. He's on day 13 of 14 on that and is due to go back technically tomorrow (has to call in the morning to get a GP appointment), however his boss called today and he's said to them he needs another week which he'll ask the GP to sign him off for tomorrow when he goes in. However, GP said last time if he needs longer than the 14 day extension, she's sending him for counseling so I hope that's what happens tomorrow.

I actually agree that until now he's prioritised his DM's grief in order to avoid his own and now it's all going to hit him.

No we dont have DC thank god, and i have no problems with him prioritising him Mum over me, she just lost her husband so that really isn't a problem for me. I agree it's not sustainable though and more for MiL, he needs to give her some space.

Perhaps he needs his mother to give him 'permission' not to be there every day?

Do you think she is aware that he needs to be back at work (for his own sake - and for his employer?).